So it’s come to our attention that some Metro Times readers don’t really give a fuck about football.
Y’all think it’s too violent or too macho or too … something. You’re more concerned with stuff like war and the planet and wealth inequality.
Or maybe you’re too busy with all your sex and drugs and rock ’n’ roll.
We get it — there are more important things in life than football. But sometimes you just need a break from the insanity — a different kind of insanity, a very rare form of insanity.
And, man, have we got some insanity for you.
In case you haven’t heard, the Detroit Lions — the long-beleaguered Detroit Lions — are bound for glory, suddenly on the verge of doing something they haven’t done in 32 years: winning a playoff game.
And they’ve got a chance to do it tonight — at home — at Ford freakin’ Field.
What’s so special about a Lions home playoff game?
Long-suffering Lions fans know the tale all too well. But in case you’re new around here or you don’t really follow sports, here’s all you need to know:
The Detroit Lions haven’t won much of anything since 1957, when they last captured an NFL title.
That was so long ago, they hadn’t even built the Silverdome yet. This was back in the days when the Lions shared Tiger Stadium with the Detroit Tigers — and nine years before the first Super Bowl.
Basically, ever since the Ford family took over the team in 1963, it’s been … a struggle.
Sure, they’ve had their moments, like when the 1970 team, led by future Hall of Famer Lem Barney, and cheered on by Motown’s Marvin Gaye made the playoffs, only to lose to the dreaded Dallas Cowboys, 5-0.
Or when the 1980 team, led by rookie running back Billy Sims, started out the season 4-0.
But even after that incredible start, not even Jimmy “Spiderman” Allen could spin a web to the NFL playoffs.
Then there was the time Billy and the ’83 team were on the verge of greatness against Joe Montana’s San Francisco 49ers, only to miss a last-second field goal attempt in heartbreaking fashion at Candlestick Park.
The last time the Lions actually won a playoff game was in 1992, when they handed the Cowboys their hats at the Silverdome, 38-6. Since then, the Lions have been to the playoffs nine times — and lost all nine games. That’s an NFL record.
Then there was the time in ’97 when Barry Sanders broke the coveted 2,000-yard mark. That was insane, and their victory over the New York Jets that day at the doomed Pontiac Silverdome propelled the Lions back into the playoffs.
Alas, it was one and done.
The last time the Lions hosted a home playoff game, it did not end well.
But this time it’s different.
Every time they’ve qualified for the playoffs since 1994, they’ve had to take their act on the road. But tonight, the Lions will host a playoff game in the actual city of Detroit for the first time since 1957.
For many skeptical older Lions fans, they’re afraid it’s gonna end the same way it always does, and the boys in blue will leave Ford Field tonight with their tails between their legs. But to many in the newest generation of Detroit Lions fans, nothing can stop these crazy cats from transcending their sport and making NFL history tonight.
Unless, of course, history repeats itself.
Which it totally won’t.
(It can’t, right?)
Because this time it’s different!
Just three years after the two teams swapped their star quarterbacks in an epic trade that sent longtime Lion and former number-one draft pick Matthew Stafford to L.A. in exchange for another former number-one draft pick Jared Goff, these two teams will be on national TV tonight in a win-or-go-home showdown in Motown.
After the blockbuster deal in 2021, Stafford led the Rams to the Super Bowl, which (in case you missed it) they won. Back when Goff was with the Rams in 2018, he, too, led the team to a Super Bowl, which they lost.
Now it all comes down to this.
As you might’ve heard, ticket prices tonight are through the roof, so if you don’t have a ticket, you might not be able to get in.
So if you’d rather sit on the couch and smoke a “super bowl” tonight, that’s perfectly understandable. And if you wanna keep yourself entertained at home on a cold winter’s night (Lord willin’ you’ve got a roof over your head and the power’s on), you might wanna tune in to NBC around 6:30 p.m.
Can the Lions exorcise the ghosts of playoffs past?
In order to beat the Rams tonight, the Lions will need some postseason heroics we haven’t seen since the days of Erik Kramer, Barry Sanders, and Willie Green the Touchdown Machine.
A Lions victory tonight, and shit gets real.
Two Lions playoff victories, and shit gets for real real.
And with a little help from the Green Bay Packers this afternoon, the Lions could actually host another playoff game at Ford Field next weekend!
Now that would be bonkers.
But first things first … the way we see it, here’s how the Lions can beat the Rams tonight and advance in their march toward (gulp!) the Super Bowl:
- With tight end Sam LaPorta hobbled by a knee injury, Lions coach (and former tight end) Dan Campbell should just declare himself an eligible receiver — for the rest of the postseason.
- Replace play-by-play guy Dan Miller in the radio booth with the real Dan Miller.
- Lastly, pipe this message from Eminem into Stafford’s helmet all game long:
Eminem is asking Matthew Stafford for a favor tomorrow 😂pic.twitter.com/8iy1qxbzAD
— Woodward Sports Network (@woodwardsports) January 14, 2024
If Lady Luck and the Big Buck smile upon them, maybe — just maybe — the Lions can pull this thing off.
Of course, a little prayer couldn’t hurt either.
"Speramus meliora; resurget cineribus. Amen.”
Let’s just hope that if it comes down to a (gulp!) field goal, it goes better than it did last time.
Subscribe to Metro Times newsletters.
Follow us: Google News | NewsBreak | Reddit | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter
