Dump them already!

Mar 31, 2004 at 12:00 am

Q: Please excuse the lack of pussy farts and gay penguins in this e-mail, but it would be nice if you could help out a straight guy with a meat-and-potato problem every once in a while.

My girlfriend is the most complete mattress-back I have ever encountered. She refuses to adopt any position that doesn’t involve her keeping an eye on the ceiling. Not only that, she declines ANY attempt at foreplay. At first I thought this was a shyness thing, but after talks with her friends (and later her) it was revealed that even after more than five decent-term partners (including a girl), she hasn’t put her own hand to any form of genitalia (male/female/own) in her entire life.

She shows interest and potential willingness and is not repulsed by sex (or me); I’m certain there’s no history of sex abuse. Yet all my attempts to add a bit of variety (like, oh, TOUCHING AND STUFF) are met with a stiff palm and a “sorry.” It’s getting harder to be aroused, frankly. Is she as interested in me as she claims or is this some sort of insecurity thing? —Beloved Oral Recreation Eternally Denied

A: Help out a straight guy? That’s what I’m here for, BORED, and I’ve done more for you straight guys than all the homos on all the reality shows could do in a hundred years. I’ve done more for the average straight guy than any straight guy has ever done for me! (With the exception of you, Mike, who did stuff for me that most gay guys won’t.) Who, BORED, is constantly telling straight women that (a) all men look at porn, and (b) they’re not allowed to have a problem with that? Me. Who is constantly telling straight women that men just aren’t wired for monogamy and that any guy who cheats on them only once or twice in an LTR did a pretty good job of being faithful? Me. Who tells women that oral sex — giving and getting — is standard these days and any model that comes without it should be returned to the lot? Me.

And who’s going to tell you to dump the mattress-back and go find yourself a girl who isn’t so deadly dull in bed? Me, that’s who. (And you’re welcome, you fucking ingrate!) This is a case of DTMFA — dump the motherfucker already — if ever I saw one, BORED. Your girlfriend may have shown interest and potential willingness but she isn’t going to get off her back and do anything about her lame sexual “technique,” if it can be called that, until it starts costing her sex partners/boyfriends/husbands. So dump her, BORED. She’ll either realize that she has to get off her back to get you back or she’ll go find herself a guy with a passion for still, lifeless women — and those guys exist, and they’re going to be writing me asking for your contact info, BORED, on the off chance that you do dump your girlfriend.

Q: I’m 42, she’s 39.We’ve been dating for two months, and it’s great — great sex, lots of fun. Now she wants to move in together and have a kid. I know, her clock is ticking, but I have a couple of concerns. She belongs to a cultish religion that creeps me out — not enough to break up with her as a boyfriend, but I don’t want to raise a family in it. Also, she’s talked about getting a sperm donor so I wouldn’t have to be responsible for it. That’s not really the point — I’m not afraid of commitment, or averse to the idea of having a family, but I do think we need another year or so to really get to know each other. I had a difficult childhood, and I’m somewhat offended by the idea of a biological imperative — a baby is not an entitlement, and her eagerness to have “a” kid strikes me as a bit narcissistic.

Or am I the one being narcissistic? Who the hell am I? I’m losing my hair, growing love handles, I’ve only got a teacher’s salary — not exactly a catch. Shouldn’t I consider myself lucky that an attractive woman wants my child? —Wanna Go Slow

A: Anyone who asks you to knock her up after TWO MONTHS (!) — or hold her hand while a doc shoves someone else’s frozen sperm cubes up her twat — is a fucking nut case. For your sake I hope you’re using condoms with this woman because she sounds like a perfect candidate for “I got my birth control pills mixed up with my Flintstones chewable vitamins!”

It’s great that you’re not afraid of commitment— too many straight guys are, WGS, and on this issue I side with the ladies. A man’s fear of commitment is boring, boring, boring; it’s not the interesting existential dilemma so many of you straight guys seem to think it is. (Of course, maybe straight guys wouldn’t fear commitment so much, ladies, if it didn’t mean never seeing any other woman naked ever again. Just saying.) But you should be terrified of committing to a woman who wants to make a baby with you after two months, to say nothing of seeing your kid raised in some crackpot religion — and that describes every last one of ’em, in my opinion. DTMFA.

Q: Recently on a visit home I was using the computer and found out my father likes to look at porn, specifically at transsexuals and young (18+) girls. This deeply disturbed me, and I don’t want to talk about it with him, to spare us both the embarrassment. My mom is a deeply Christian woman and would freak out if she found this on her computer, and my dad doesn’t cover his tracks well. I know looking at chicks with dicks doesn’t make my dad gay, but my mom wouldn’t see it that way. Do I have an obligation to make an awkward confrontation for the sake of my family? —Torn in Texas

A: Your obligation, TIT, is to handle this situation in a way that doesn’t humiliate your father any more than necessary and avoids mortifying your mother entirely. Go to your dad and say, “Hey, I stumbled over some of those porn sites you were looking at, big guy. I like 18-year-old girls just as much as the next guy, but I don’t think Mom would approve. Since we both don’t want Mom to stumble over your stash of pretty young women, let me show you how to cover your tracks a bit better, okay?”

If you don’t mention his chicks-with-dicks porn — and you shouldn’t — and make a point of mentioning the naked young LADIES, your dad will think you didn’t find the tranny shit. Then show him how to hide/delete/erase like a pro. Then never, ever mention it again, ever, to him, to your mom, to anyone.

Q: Not even halfway through the letter about the parakeet freak, I was convinced it was completely bogus, phony, completely falsified. —Mike

A: I thought so too, Mike, until I looked into it and learned — from bird experts — that people can, do, and will jerk off their birds. And ever since the letter appeared in my column, I’ve been buried in mail from people describing their own sexual relationships with birds or sexual relationships they’ve witnessed others having with birds. For a taste, go here.

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