‘We’re So Screwed,’ Says Detroit Lions Fan After Seeing They Got Matched Up Against Other Teams Again

Taking a hit at Detroit's infamous football team, The Onion “cites” a Detroit Lions fan, complaining about how they’ll actually compete against other teams each week, exclaiming how unfair back-to-back matches are… as if every other NFL team isn’t doing the same thing.

Michigan Hopes To Increase Voter Turnout By Making It Legal To Cast Ballot By Stepping Outside And Shouting Candidate’s Name

In hopes to increase voter turnout, Michigan announces a new legal way to cast your ballot is to step outside and to simply yell your preferred candidate's name.

Study Links Drinking While Pregnant To Being At Kid Rock Concert

We don’t argue with science and according to this study, pregnant people who drank hard liquor were most likely to be found at a Kid Rock concert.

Detroit will soon close its police stations to the public for 16 hours a day. Some other #DetroitCostSavings:

In an attempt to cut city costs, Detroit announces that police stations will be closed to the public 16 hours a day as keeping stations open 24 hours a day was far too expensive. Additionally, Detroit Police will be changing the emergency number to 912 to lower call income.

Michigan GOP Passes Legislation Rerouting Flint Drinking Water To Governor’s Mansion For Incoming Democrat

Following the election of Democrat Gretchen Whitmer as Michigan governor, Michigan’s GOP passes legislation to reroute water from the Flint water crisis to the Governor's house.

Michigan Restaurant Server Asks Frozen Bodies Of Dining Couple On Outdoor Patio If They’d Like To See Dessert Menu

COVID-19 guidelines face difficulties in winter in Michigan as a waitress is seen asking two frozen bodies seated on the patio what they would like for dessert.

I’m Tired Of These Punks Coming Through My Neighborhood Blasting Their Late-1990s, Ghettotech, DJ Godfather–Inflected Hip-Hop

Nothing pisses off a community like blasting Detroit ghettotech late at night. It seems like one resident has had enough of his neighbors jitting to “Godzilla.”

Does Thanksgiving Glorify The Historical Slaughter Of The Detroit Lions?

The Onion hit it on the nose with this one. There’s nothing like a Thanksgiving without sitting around the TV watching the Lions get absolutely demolished. What’s sad is that we still think they’ll win each year.

Detroit Begs Nation To Just Give It Something, Anything, To Manufacture

Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan promises that there are thousands of employees and manufacturing plants in the city just waiting for production, just … please, tell us what to do.

Detroit Mayor Throws First Brick In Glass-Breaking Ceremony For New Slums

Detroit’s newest abandoned building is unveiled as Mayor David Bing throws his first brick into the window as community members and city officials applauded. "It is my great honor to introduce to you the brand new Baneberry Heights," Bing announces, gesturing to the ramshackle subdivision behind him. "Filthy, dangerous, filled with violence and blight: It's all here, and it's all completely falling apart."’

Matthew Stafford Admits He’d Play Through Back Injury For Better Team Than Lions

Matthew Stafford only missed nine games in 2019 due to injury, so it’s only right that he would want to make that up — somewhere else. Ironically enough, in real life, Matthew Stafford left Detroit for the Los Angeles Rams, where it was reported he injured his thumb at training camp.

Detroit Unveils New Half-Ton, 400 Horsepower Motown Singer

A new Detroit talent was unveiled at a gala this past week. The Motown star has an impressive 400-horsepower and comes in at half a ton, “[promising] safety, reliability, and soulful, unmistakable melodies.”

Detroit mayor: 'You won’t have to live in the gutter. We have around 70,000 abandoned buildings for you to squat in.'

Addressing the city’s homeless population, Detroit mayor exclaims that residents do not need to live on the streets as the city has over 70,000 abandoned buildings now taking squatters.

Detroit's Little Caesars Arena Opens With Ribbon-Shooting Ceremony

After much anticipation, Detroit’s Little Caesars Arena officially opens in a ribbon shooting ceremony as the Mayor splits the ribbon on his fifth shot.

‘Oh, God, What Have I Done!’ Cries Matt Patricia After Discovering Pencil Fused To Ear

Try to find a photo online of former Detroit Lions head coach Matt Patricia without a pencil tucked behind his ear — bet you can’t. In fact, it’s been there so long it might actually have become one with his ear.

FBI Charges 6 In Violent Plot To Kidnap Michigan Governor

Six men are charged by the FBI in a plot to kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer. “What part of ‘stand back and stand by’ did these idiots not understand?” Detroit resident Josh Dengel said.

Former Michigan Governor Charged In Flint Water Crisis

Former Governor Rick Snyder is charged in January for the role he played in the Flint water crisis. “I think that the people who had to drink the water ought to take some responsibility for this, too,” one man on the street commenter said.

In Focus | Detroit Sold For Scrap

In a killer deal, Detroit is sold to scrap and smelting dealers across the country for under $1 million. "This is what's best for Detroit," then-Mayor Kwame M. Kilpatrick said. "We must act now, while we can still get a little something for it."

Kirsten Gillibrand Appeals To Detroit Voters By Touting Hardscrabble Youth Growing Up As A Car

In an attempt to increase voter turnout, Democratic presidential candidate Kirsten Gillibrand connects deeply with a Detroit audience, telling her personal anecdote of growing up as a car. “I was raised on potholed streets, and my parents struggled, sometimes having to choose between whether to put gas in our tanks or feed the meter so we had a place to park at night,” Gillibrand said.

Detroit Bankruptcy Might Transform City Into Some Kind Of Hellish, Depopulated Wasteland

Following Detroit’s announcement that the city was filing for bankruptcy, reports warn that the city could turn into a “hellish depopulated wasteland.” We wouldn't want that, would we?