As of this week, Michigan weather has been, dare we say, shockingly premature with the whole winter wonderland bukkake business. According to a viral Facebook post, the city of Royal Oak appears to be joining in on the festive spirit by decking its halls with balls of holly, jolly jizz — but we sense a ho-ho-hoax.
Last week, Ale Mary's Beer Hall in Royal Oak shared a photo of some festive holiday lights with the caption: “What do you think of Royal Oak's new Christmas lights?”
At a very brief glance, the lights seem pretty innocuous. The photo features illuminated candles attached to lamp posts nestled in some holly with berries and a trio of shooting stars shimmering over the street. Upon further inspection, however, it is very clear that this is not the festive family-friendly decor of our perfectly innocent, totally untainted childhood, no. These holiday adornments are glowing, average-sized dicks with asymmetrical balls and a healthy amount of multicolored jizz. Santa may not be coming to town, but rather he may be coming on it.
Since its posting, the photo has been shared more than 1,500 times and was resurrected Tuesday night by Royal Oak's Made in the Mitten gift shop, which scored another couple hundred shares. The comments across both posts are pretty split in terms of those who believe these lights are spraying holiday cheer all over Royal Oak and those who call bullshit.
“Those are penises!” one user wrote.
“Don’t even lie to me, y’all knew what you were doing when you came up with that design,” another said. “They didn’t think this one through.”
Others, however, are, like, sort of feeling it.
“Looks like penis letting go. Very festive.”
”Had to one up the golden butt hole,” someone said, addressing Sterling Heights’ viral design fail.
“Skeet skeet skeet,” another so boldly professed.
Most commenters, however, like us, have questions:
“Is that a vein?”
“Is this real life?”
Well, we have an answer. File this one under flaccid fake outs. A quick reverse Google image search (oh, yes, it's a thing) reveals that this image has been used a dozen times on various Christmas holiday decor fail listicles, one of which was posted by Star Trek's George Takei in 2015.
However, the photo doesn't appear to be heavily edited or manipulated in Photoshop, so it is possible that these totally average-sized, adequately performing cock and balls are shining somewhere in the world. Be it poor city planning or a crude goof, this royal hoax has penetrated our icy cold hearts.
An emailed request for comment to the Royal Oak city manager was not immediately responded to.
Stay on top of Detroit news and views. Sign up for our weekly issue newsletter delivered each Wednesday.