December 28, 2017

The most ridiculous metro Detroit news stories of 2017

By Metro Times Staff

As we look back at the Dumpster fire of a year that was 2017, it’s important to set our sights closer to home and honor Michigan’s best — the best of the worst, that is.

That’s right, folks: It’s once again time for Metro Times’ annual Dubious Achievement Awards. OK, sure, this is really only the second year we’ve done it in a row since 2004 and 2005, and we stole the idea from Esquire magazine back then anyway. Nevertheless, we are excited to bring awareness to what we feel are Michigan’s most dubious, foolhardy, baffling, hilarious, or just plain bad stories.

Without further ado, we present to you this year’s Doobies. — MT Staff 

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She should be in her own unemployment line — MT readers may recall the state’s infamous $47 million-dollar computerized fraud-detection program, known as MiDAS, which created fraud out of thin air. According to one study, it falsely identified fraud an astounding 93 percent of the time. When people applied for benefits, they found themselves incorrectly charged with fraud, getting returns garnished, and being hit with expensive judgments — basically being harassed by the agency that was tasked with helping them. Attorney David Blanchard calls it “literally balancing the books on the backs of Michigan’s poorest and jobless.” But those jobless will not include Sharon Moffett-Massey, who oversaw the implementation of the program. In January, the state of Michigan announces a reshuffling of state employees under which she will remain on the state payroll, working on “special projects” at the same salary. Photo via Shutterstock.
She should be in her own unemployment line — MT readers may recall the state’s infamous $47 million-dollar computerized fraud-detection program, known as MiDAS, which created fraud out of thin air. According to one study, it falsely identified fraud an astounding 93 percent of the time. When people applied for benefits, they found themselves incorrectly charged with fraud, getting returns garnished, and being hit with expensive judgments — basically being harassed by the agency that was tasked with helping them. Attorney David Blanchard calls it “literally balancing the books on the backs of Michigan’s poorest and jobless.” But those jobless will not include Sharon Moffett-Massey, who oversaw the implementation of the program. In January, the state of Michigan announces a reshuffling of state employees under which she will remain on the state payroll, working on “special projects” at the same salary.
Photo via Shutterstock.
Time to go back to school — U.S. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos — whose generous contributions to the GOP over the years likely helped her cinch a position in the White House, despite having absolutely zero qualifications — made a pretty foreboding flub shortly after taking on the role. In a February morning post from the U.S. Department of Education’s Twitter account, someone on DeVos’ staff tweets a quote from W.E.B. Du Bois — but they spell his last name wrong. As if that blunder weren’t embarrassing enough, they also screw up an apology tweet, rendering “apologies” as “apologizes.” The deeply embarrassing tweets are later deleted, but not before a flurry of screenshots captured the whole ordeal. Illustration by Sean Bieri.
Time to go back to school — U.S. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos — whose generous contributions to the GOP over the years likely helped her cinch a position in the White House, despite having absolutely zero qualifications — made a pretty foreboding flub shortly after taking on the role. In a February morning post from the U.S. Department of Education’s Twitter account, someone on DeVos’ staff tweets a quote from W.E.B. Du Bois — but they spell his last name wrong. As if that blunder weren’t embarrassing enough, they also screw up an apology tweet, rendering “apologies” as “apologizes.” The deeply embarrassing tweets are later deleted, but not before a flurry of screenshots captured the whole ordeal.
Illustration by Sean Bieri.
A self-fulling prophecy — He killed a pigeon with his department issued-Glock in the ’90s, and put at least two people within inches of their life in the years that followed, but the Detroit cop who made his Instagram handle “FatalForce” had yet to kill a human being. That changes in February, when officer Jerold Blanding kills an unarmed teen after what he says was a struggle. With no eye witnesses to the crime, Blanding is given a pass from the Wayne County Prosecutor’s Office, which says a close-range bullet wound and Blanding’s word were enough to prove a struggle. It’s Blanding’s third time lading in the clear: He’d also managed to escape charges in two previous near-killings of unarmed people, both of whom wound up suing Blanding and the Detroit Police Department for excessive use of force. The lack of charges has likely ruffled the feathers of the family of Blanding’s latest victim, and we’re sure the downtown pigeons will soon be dumping their frustration on the Frank Murphy Hall of Justice. Photo via Instagram, FatalForce.
A self-fulling prophecy — He killed a pigeon with his department issued-Glock in the ’90s, and put at least two people within inches of their life in the years that followed, but the Detroit cop who made his Instagram handle “FatalForce” had yet to kill a human being. That changes in February, when officer Jerold Blanding kills an unarmed teen after what he says was a struggle. With no eye witnesses to the crime, Blanding is given a pass from the Wayne County Prosecutor’s Office, which says a close-range bullet wound and Blanding’s word were enough to prove a struggle. It’s Blanding’s third time lading in the clear: He’d also managed to escape charges in two previous near-killings of unarmed people, both of whom wound up suing Blanding and the Detroit Police Department for excessive use of force. The lack of charges has likely ruffled the feathers of the family of Blanding’s latest victim, and we’re sure the downtown pigeons will soon be dumping their frustration on the Frank Murphy Hall of Justice.
Photo via Instagram, FatalForce.
Slick marketing — The neighborhoods falling under the “The District Detroit” umbrella may not exist, but they’re driven by the most remarkable marketing effort ever. This month’s new video seems to be founded on the belief that if you pack enough contemporary beats and millennial whoop into the soundtrack, nobody will notice that the neighborhood you’re selling simply doesn’t exist. What’s more, they probably won’t notice that the shots of the neighborhoods you’re showing are not even of Detroit. As street scenes flash by of what appears to be the Upper West Side of Manhattan or a city in Europe, we can only stare in amazement at the fevered imagination shown by the developer’s copywriters and marketers. If only there were an award for Marketing Balls of Steel. Screenshot from District Detroit marketing video.
Slick marketing — The neighborhoods falling under the “The District Detroit” umbrella may not exist, but they’re driven by the most remarkable marketing effort ever. This month’s new video seems to be founded on the belief that if you pack enough contemporary beats and millennial whoop into the soundtrack, nobody will notice that the neighborhood you’re selling simply doesn’t exist. What’s more, they probably won’t notice that the shots of the neighborhoods you’re showing are not even of Detroit. As street scenes flash by of what appears to be the Upper West Side of Manhattan or a city in Europe, we can only stare in amazement at the fevered imagination shown by the developer’s copywriters and marketers. If only there were an award for Marketing Balls of Steel.
Screenshot from District Detroit marketing video.
Hard at work, or hardly working? — In April, Facebook founder and billionaire Mark Zuckerberg decides to leave his Silicon Valley bubble to experience the real world that his horrible invention helped ravage with fake news and an uptick in social media addiction-induced depression. One of his first stops on his cross-country tour takes him to Ford’s River Rouge plant, where — after working on a few F-150s — he notes in a Facebook post that “working on the line at an assembly plant is physically hard.” An astute observation! We’re still not sure why Zuckerberg decided to tour the country — at the time he said it was a New Year’s resolution, though some have theorized that it could be the lead-up to a possible presidential campaign. At any rate, we can rest assured that Zuckerberg will probably take his experience back to his Silicon Valley pals to figure out how to “disrupt” what’s left of the auto industry, or something. Courtesy photo.
Hard at work, or hardly working? — In April, Facebook founder and billionaire Mark Zuckerberg decides to leave his Silicon Valley bubble to experience the real world that his horrible invention helped ravage with fake news and an uptick in social media addiction-induced depression. One of his first stops on his cross-country tour takes him to Ford’s River Rouge plant, where — after working on a few F-150s — he notes in a Facebook post that “working on the line at an assembly plant is physically hard.” An astute observation! We’re still not sure why Zuckerberg decided to tour the country — at the time he said it was a New Year’s resolution, though some have theorized that it could be the lead-up to a possible presidential campaign. At any rate, we can rest assured that Zuckerberg will probably take his experience back to his Silicon Valley pals to figure out how to “disrupt” what’s left of the auto industry, or something. Courtesy photo.
Welfare king — Quicken Loans founder Dan Gilbert wins again. In May, after his cronies flood the state legislature with hundreds of thousands of dollars in campaign donations, Lansing lawmakers approve a series of “transformational brownfield” incentives that will let Gilbert and other wealthy developers in the state get up to $1 billion in incentives for their projects by siphoning the income taxes of those who live and work in their new buildings. The approval sets the stage for profound cash grab by Gilbert, though in order to get lawmakers to approve the giveaway, he has to convince them the money could go to other projects around the state. In the fall, it emerges that Gilbert would immediately hit up the $1 billion pot that’s supposed to last five years for $250 million in order to help bankroll a new skyscraper and some other stuff he’s building in an already-gleaming downtown Detroit. Let’s see how far that money goes in other Michigan cities — after all, it’s residents across the state that are missing out on tax money that has historically gone to funding things like schools and road improvements. All this for a guy with multiple lawsuits against him — and that investigations show holds a healthy level of responsibility for the mortgage crisis that catapulted the country into the Great Recession. Illustration by Robert Nixon.
Welfare king — Quicken Loans founder Dan Gilbert wins again. In May, after his cronies flood the state legislature with hundreds of thousands of dollars in campaign donations, Lansing lawmakers approve a series of “transformational brownfield” incentives that will let Gilbert and other wealthy developers in the state get up to $1 billion in incentives for their projects by siphoning the income taxes of those who live and work in their new buildings. The approval sets the stage for profound cash grab by Gilbert, though in order to get lawmakers to approve the giveaway, he has to convince them the money could go to other projects around the state. In the fall, it emerges that Gilbert would immediately hit up the $1 billion pot that’s supposed to last five years for $250 million in order to help bankroll a new skyscraper and some other stuff he’s building in an already-gleaming downtown Detroit. Let’s see how far that money goes in other Michigan cities — after all, it’s residents across the state that are missing out on tax money that has historically gone to funding things like schools and road improvements. All this for a guy with multiple lawsuits against him — and that investigations show holds a healthy level of responsibility for the mortgage crisis that catapulted the country into the Great Recession.
Illustration by Robert Nixon.
It’s all in your head — Ben Carson, Trump’s secretary of Housing and Urban Development, says in a SiriusXM interview that he believes poverty is “to a large extent ... a state of mind.” People develop that “state of mind” due to poor parenting, he says, and praises his mother for helping him rise out of his impoverished upbringing by focusing on education. Despite the fact that Carson’s family relied on food stamps when he was growing up, Carson is a vocal critic of welfare programs, and his department budget is slated to be cut by $6 billion in Trump’s 2018 plans. Shutterstock.
It’s all in your head — Ben Carson, Trump’s secretary of Housing and Urban Development, says in a SiriusXM interview that he believes poverty is “to a large extent ... a state of mind.” People develop that “state of mind” due to poor parenting, he says, and praises his mother for helping him rise out of his impoverished upbringing by focusing on education. Despite the fact that Carson’s family relied on food stamps when he was growing up, Carson is a vocal critic of welfare programs, and his department budget is slated to be cut by $6 billion in Trump’s 2018 plans.
Shutterstock.
Highway scar — As part of National Infrastructure Week, the American Society of Civil Engineers releases the Michigan Infrastructure Overview, a sort of report card on how the state is doing keeping up all those bridges, ports, dams, those tens of thousands of miles of railroad, and those millions of miles of road, many of which are falling apart. To put it in terms of dollars and cents, the ASCE study determines: Driving on roads in need of repair in Michigan costs each driver $540 per year. What’s more, consider a study last year that found 63 percent of Americans say they’re unable to handle a $500 car repair. Photo via Shutterstock.
Highway scar — As part of National Infrastructure Week, the American Society of Civil Engineers releases the Michigan Infrastructure Overview, a sort of report card on how the state is doing keeping up all those bridges, ports, dams, those tens of thousands of miles of railroad, and those millions of miles of road, many of which are falling apart. To put it in terms of dollars and cents, the ASCE study determines: Driving on roads in need of repair in Michigan costs each driver $540 per year. What’s more, consider a study last year that found 63 percent of Americans say they’re unable to handle a $500 car repair.
Photo via Shutterstock.
Mopless top gun pop sought by cops — A desperate man commits a most hair-raising crime that will remain unsolved at least all year long. Employees of an unnamed pharmacy say a man between 30 and 40 years old wearing an “Air Force Dad” T-shirt proceeded to steal seven boxes of the popular hair growth product Rogaine. Oh, yeah — he was also described as bald. Very bald. Which would explain why he might risk the punishment for such a crime, as the required 12 to 14 months of consistent use for desired results might make him a more attractive candidate for conjugal visits. Neither the National Association of Dads, Rogaine, nor the Hair Force— er, Air Force can be reached for comment. Illustration by Sean Bieri.
Mopless top gun pop sought by cops — A desperate man commits a most hair-raising crime that will remain unsolved at least all year long. Employees of an unnamed pharmacy say a man between 30 and 40 years old wearing an “Air Force Dad” T-shirt proceeded to steal seven boxes of the popular hair growth product Rogaine. Oh, yeah — he was also described as bald. Very bald. Which would explain why he might risk the punishment for such a crime, as the required 12 to 14 months of consistent use for desired results might make him a more attractive candidate for conjugal visits. Neither the National Association of Dads, Rogaine, nor the Hair Force— er, Air Force can be reached for comment.
Illustration by Sean Bieri.
One nation, under Bullgod — On July 12, a mysterious website kidrockforsenate.com surfaces. The site, which remains active, features a portrait of rap-rocker Kid Rock perched beside a taxidermic deer and the caption “Are You Scared?” and hawks merch emblazoned with “Kid Rock for U.S. Senate ’18.” Rock, née Robert Ritchie, keeps political wonks guessing with a well-rehearsed “stump speech” composed of campaign promises delivered as rhyming stanzas at each one of his six shows opening the then-new Little Caesars Arena in September. Preliminary polls show Ritchie trailing behind Democratic Senator Debbie Stabenow, but not by enough to feel comfortable — this is, after all, the age of Trump. It isn’t until October that Ritchie confirms that his Senate run was simply PR at its most ill-advised. “Fuck no, I’m not running." Photo via Getty Images.
One nation, under Bullgod — On July 12, a mysterious website kidrockforsenate.com surfaces. The site, which remains active, features a portrait of rap-rocker Kid Rock perched beside a taxidermic deer and the caption “Are You Scared?” and hawks merch emblazoned with “Kid Rock for U.S. Senate ’18.” Rock, née Robert Ritchie, keeps political wonks guessing with a well-rehearsed “stump speech” composed of campaign promises delivered as rhyming stanzas at each one of his six shows opening the then-new Little Caesars Arena in September. Preliminary polls show Ritchie trailing behind Democratic Senator Debbie Stabenow, but not by enough to feel comfortable — this is, after all, the age of Trump. It isn’t until October that Ritchie confirms that his Senate run was simply PR at its most ill-advised. “Fuck no, I’m not running."
Photo via Getty Images.

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