February 09, 2021

20 sex toys, gadgets, and surprises to make it through Valentine’s Day in quarantine

If you would’ve told us that we would’ve spent most of 2020 — and, as it’s shaping up, most of 2021 — alone, at home, in bed, with one hand in our pants and the other in a Dorito bag, we would have said “we’re more of a Takis Fuego family,” but yeah. We sure have done a whole lot of masturbating the last year, and it's made us realize how much we miss intimate touch, but also just how normal regular masturbation has become. Long gone is the stigma attached to being single and also horny, and for those with significant others in their pandemic pods, it’s fun to incorporate toys, tools, and other surprises into the bedroom, because sometimes you need to boost sexy time into high gear after applying acne cream, binging The Office while eating day three of microwaveable dinners. No shame, but also, no game. 

While it remains safest to stay home, stay masked, and stay at least six feet away from anyone not in your household, there isn’t a damn thing that says we need to stay away from ourselves, which is why this list of must-have pandemic sex toys might just keep us satisfied until it’s safe again to pursue the real thing. In the meantime, vaccinate us, daddy.

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For anyone who wants to stick their wang in the Death Star
Optimum Power Masturball Stroker, $69.95
Lover's Lane, various locations, loverslane.com 
OK, so this isn't a Star Wars trademarked product, but the Optimum Power Masturball Stroker does look like the Death Star. But instead of fucking the galaxy, it provides oral-like pleasure to your nether region. The sinister-looking Masturball features 10 vibration functions, three compression functions, and “sensitive tickler pads” for, you know, stroking. It’s also rechargeable and can last for one hour of play, which, let’s be real, is a long time to be stroking your lightsaber. Oh, and unlike the Death Star, this thing is waterproof. 
Photo via loverslane.com

For anyone who wants to stick their wang in the Death Star

Optimum Power Masturball Stroker, $69.95
Lover's Lane, various locations, loverslane.com
OK, so this isn't a Star Wars trademarked product, but the Optimum Power Masturball Stroker does look like the Death Star. But instead of fucking the galaxy, it provides oral-like pleasure to your nether region. The sinister-looking Masturball features 10 vibration functions, three compression functions, and “sensitive tickler pads” for, you know, stroking. It’s also rechargeable and can last for one hour of play, which, let’s be real, is a long time to be stroking your lightsaber. Oh, and unlike the Death Star, this thing is waterproof.

Photo via loverslane.com
For anyone who misses a tireless mouth on that spot 
Lora Dicarlo Baci Clitoral Massager, $160
Spectrum Boutique, online only, spectrumboutique.com 
If you've been quarantining solo, then you probably miss clitoral stimulation — and we're not talking about the vibrator kind. We’re talking suction, baby. Now, while it could be argued that nothing beats the real thing, the Baci Clitoral Massager from Lora Dicarlo is a damn good alternative. Offering two types of clitoral stimulation simultaneously gives the sensation of both lips and tongue stroking and sucking, thanks to air pressure tech. Easy to hold, USB rechargeable, and made of easy-to-clean silicone; we think you might have just found your new best friend. (Or at least we have.) 
Photo via spectrumboutique.com

For anyone who misses a tireless mouth on that spot

Lora Dicarlo Baci Clitoral Massager, $160
Spectrum Boutique, online only, spectrumboutique.com
If you've been quarantining solo, then you probably miss clitoral stimulation — and we're not talking about the vibrator kind. We’re talking suction, baby. Now, while it could be argued that nothing beats the real thing, the Baci Clitoral Massager from Lora Dicarlo is a damn good alternative. Offering two types of clitoral stimulation simultaneously gives the sensation of both lips and tongue stroking and sucking, thanks to air pressure tech. Easy to hold, USB rechargeable, and made of easy-to-clean silicone; we think you might have just found your new best friend. (Or at least we have.)

Photo via spectrumboutique.com
For anyone who wants to take their orgasm to a higher plane
The Amethyst - Original, $249.99
Chakrubs, online only, chakrubs.com
Once offered through Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP, you know, right next to GP's “THIS SMELLS LIKE MY VAGINA” candle ($75), this Detroit-born brand is all about restoring balance through hand-crafted playtime tools that should never be relegated to the bedside table drawer. Chakrub specializes in smooth and sleek sex toys made from natural crystals, with the intent to arouse, heal, and create the perfect moment of zen. When it comes to one of Chakrub's classic offerings, this amethyst toy is meant to promote positivity through meditative and calming strokes, and can be used to enhance lucid dreaming, imagination, and intuition.
Photo via chakrubs.com

For anyone who wants to take their orgasm to a higher plane

The Amethyst - Original, $249.99
Chakrubs, online only, chakrubs.com
Once offered through Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP, you know, right next to GP's “THIS SMELLS LIKE MY VAGINA” candle ($75), this Detroit-born brand is all about restoring balance through hand-crafted playtime tools that should never be relegated to the bedside table drawer. Chakrub specializes in smooth and sleek sex toys made from natural crystals, with the intent to arouse, heal, and create the perfect moment of zen. When it comes to one of Chakrub's classic offerings, this amethyst toy is meant to promote positivity through meditative and calming strokes, and can be used to enhance lucid dreaming, imagination, and intuition.

Photo via chakrubs.com
For those who need to behave themselves — and who also rarely lose their keys 
Asylum 4-Ring Locking Chastity Cage, $109.99
Janet's Dungeon, 2317 Fort St., Wyandotte; 734-285-2609; janetsdungeon.com
Have you been touching yourself a bit too much? No, we know, there's no such thing, but for those who lack control and want someone else to take over, welcome this device, which will lock your little — or big — Houdini up so you can focus on, well, more pressing matters. The Asylum Chastity Cage is stainless steel and curves for your curve with a removable cap at the tip. Now, here's where things get tricky: The kit comes with a lock and key set so you can eventually free your peen, which you will absolutely want to do at some point. For an added challenge, you could ask your quarantine partner to hide a few around the house. Just, for the love of god, don't forget where they are or do anything to piss off the key hider. 
Photo via chakrubs.com

For those who need to behave themselves — and who also rarely lose their keys

Asylum 4-Ring Locking Chastity Cage, $109.99
Janet's Dungeon, 2317 Fort St., Wyandotte; 734-285-2609; janetsdungeon.com
Have you been touching yourself a bit too much? No, we know, there's no such thing, but for those who lack control and want someone else to take over, welcome this device, which will lock your little — or big — Houdini up so you can focus on, well, more pressing matters. The Asylum Chastity Cage is stainless steel and curves for your curve with a removable cap at the tip. Now, here's where things get tricky: The kit comes with a lock and key set so you can eventually free your peen, which you will absolutely want to do at some point. For an added challenge, you could ask your quarantine partner to hide a few around the house. Just, for the love of god, don't forget where they are or do anything to piss off the key hider.

Photo via chakrubs.com
For the person who is very new to butt stuff but wants to give it a whirl 
Luxe Beginner Plug Kit, $28
Spectrum Boutique, 0nline only, spectrumboutique.com
Don't over anal-yze it. Despite the rise in the popularity of butt stuff, not everyone is down to knock on their backdoor. But for those newbies who want to see what all the fuss is about before trying with a partner, there's the Luxe Beginner Plug Kit. Think of it like training wheels for your butt. Each of the three uniquely-sized silicone plugs offers a tapered tip to make insertion and removal a smooth experience, allowing you to build up to the largest of the plugs. If you want to, you'll be a butt stuff pro in no time. 
Photo via spectrumboutique.com

For the person who is very new to butt stuff but wants to give it a whirl

Luxe Beginner Plug Kit, $28
Spectrum Boutique, 0nline only, spectrumboutique.com
Don't over anal-yze it. Despite the rise in the popularity of butt stuff, not everyone is down to knock on their backdoor. But for those newbies who want to see what all the fuss is about before trying with a partner, there's the Luxe Beginner Plug Kit. Think of it like training wheels for your butt. Each of the three uniquely-sized silicone plugs offers a tapered tip to make insertion and removal a smooth experience, allowing you to build up to the largest of the plugs. If you want to, you'll be a butt stuff pro in no time.

Photo via spectrumboutique.com
For those who want a powerful massager (wink, wink)
Le Wand Rechargeable 10-Speed Wand Massager, $136
Cirilla's, various locations; cirillas.com
There's a reason wand massagers are among some of the best selling vibes on the market. Maybe you recall stumbling upon this massager in your parents’ bathroom cupboard and thinking, “Well, my mom does complain about having a sore neck a lot,” only to, many years later, realize that wands hold a magic that no wizard can possibly possess. This particular wand, the Le Wand Rechargeable variety, offers 10 distinctive, very rumbly vibration speeds up to 6,000 RPM and 20 patterns. If you haven't guessed by now, the wand is the clitoris’s best friend, one that will never let you down or stand you up. After all, you can't recharge a best friend, now can you? 
Photo via cirillas.com

For those who want a powerful massager (wink, wink)

Le Wand Rechargeable 10-Speed Wand Massager, $136
Cirilla's, various locations; cirillas.com
There's a reason wand massagers are among some of the best selling vibes on the market. Maybe you recall stumbling upon this massager in your parents’ bathroom cupboard and thinking, “Well, my mom does complain about having a sore neck a lot,” only to, many years later, realize that wands hold a magic that no wizard can possibly possess. This particular wand, the Le Wand Rechargeable variety, offers 10 distinctive, very rumbly vibration speeds up to 6,000 RPM and 20 patterns. If you haven't guessed by now, the wand is the clitoris’s best friend, one that will never let you down or stand you up. After all, you can't recharge a best friend, now can you?

Photo via cirillas.com
For lovers who are quarantining apart but want to get all up in there 
We-Vibe Jive Hands-Free G-Spot Vibrator, $119
Lover's Lane, various locations,  loverslane.com
Our hearts and parts go out to any couples, lovers, and side pieces who’ve been unable to do the deed due to the ultimate mojo killer — the pandemic. Well, there's an app for that — and some fun vibrating toys to go with. The company We-Vibe offers a variety of toys that sync up with phone apps so lovers near or far can play along. For those with a neglected G-spot, there's the Jive Hands-Free G-Spot Vibrator that pairs with the app that allows for customizable vibration patterns. There are penis rings, too, which can also be controlled via an app but, if used with a partner, can provide some fun rumbles for them, too. 
Photo via  loverslane.com

For lovers who are quarantining apart but want to get all up in there

We-Vibe Jive Hands-Free G-Spot Vibrator, $119
Lover's Lane, various locations, loverslane.com
Our hearts and parts go out to any couples, lovers, and side pieces who’ve been unable to do the deed due to the ultimate mojo killer — the pandemic. Well, there's an app for that — and some fun vibrating toys to go with. The company We-Vibe offers a variety of toys that sync up with phone apps so lovers near or far can play along. For those with a neglected G-spot, there's the Jive Hands-Free G-Spot Vibrator that pairs with the app that allows for customizable vibration patterns. There are penis rings, too, which can also be controlled via an app but, if used with a partner, can provide some fun rumbles for them, too.

Photo via loverslane.com
For lovers who are quarantining apart but want to get all up in there 
We-Vibe Pivot C-Ring, $109
Lover's Lane, various locations,  loverslane.com
Our hearts and parts go out to any couples, lovers, and side pieces who’ve been unable to do the deed due to the ultimate mojo killer — the pandemic. Well, there's an app for that — and some fun vibrating toys to go with. The company We-Vibe offers a variety of toys that sync up with phone apps so lovers near or far can play along. For those with a neglected G-spot, there's the Jive Hands-Free G-Spot Vibrator that pairs with the app that allows for customizable vibration patterns. There are penis rings, too, which can also be controlled via an app but, if used with a partner, can provide some fun rumbles for them, too. 
Photo via   loverslane.com

For lovers who are quarantining apart but want to get all up in there

We-Vibe Pivot C-Ring, $109
Lover's Lane, various locations, loverslane.com
Our hearts and parts go out to any couples, lovers, and side pieces who’ve been unable to do the deed due to the ultimate mojo killer — the pandemic. Well, there's an app for that — and some fun vibrating toys to go with. The company We-Vibe offers a variety of toys that sync up with phone apps so lovers near or far can play along. For those with a neglected G-spot, there's the Jive Hands-Free G-Spot Vibrator that pairs with the app that allows for customizable vibration patterns. There are penis rings, too, which can also be controlled via an app but, if used with a partner, can provide some fun rumbles for them, too.

Photo via loverslane.com
For those who need some backdoor — and perineum — love 
Lelo, Hugo Remote Prostate Massager, $219
Lover's Lane, various locations,  loverslane.com
Prostates need love, too. Bring those P-spot orgasms to new heights with a little help from Hugo. Though this toy can be enjoyed solo or during couples play, the Hugo Remote Prostate Massager by Lelo has two motors in the base and tip for interior and exterior pleasure and comes with a remote so you can play with yourself in more ways than one. Not only does the toy boast a smooth shape for easy insertion and offers six vibration patterns, but it also has an external motor to massage the perineum. For those not in the know, cisgender males and those assigned male at birth can achieve prostate orgasm by, well, massaging the prostate internally or by giving the perineum (aka the taint) a nice rubdown. Massage together? That's for you to find out. Oh, it should be noted that this toy can be enjoyed by everyone because, yeah, it's that good. 
Photo via   loverslane.com

For those who need some backdoor — and perineum — love

Lelo, Hugo Remote Prostate Massager, $219
Lover's Lane, various locations, loverslane.com
Prostates need love, too. Bring those P-spot orgasms to new heights with a little help from Hugo. Though this toy can be enjoyed solo or during couples play, the Hugo Remote Prostate Massager by Lelo has two motors in the base and tip for interior and exterior pleasure and comes with a remote so you can play with yourself in more ways than one. Not only does the toy boast a smooth shape for easy insertion and offers six vibration patterns, but it also has an external motor to massage the perineum. For those not in the know, cisgender males and those assigned male at birth can achieve prostate orgasm by, well, massaging the prostate internally or by giving the perineum (aka the taint) a nice rubdown. Massage together? That's for you to find out. Oh, it should be noted that this toy can be enjoyed by everyone because, yeah, it's that good.

Photo via loverslane.com
For the person who misses a very specific phallus
Clone-A-Willy Vibrating Silicone Molding Kit, $49.95
Spectrum Boutique, 0nline only, spectrumboutique.com
Penises are like snowflakes, and each one is totally unique. From veins, creases, and curvature, it's likely that everyone who likes penises has a favorite one, or two, or, OK, maybe three to enjoy. But if you can narrow it down to the top tip, there's the Clone-A-Willy kit, which allows you to copy your fave phallus. The medically tested DIY dildo mold kit walks you through the process of casting your own toy, which includes an optional Slimline vibrator. Clone-A-Pussy kits are also available because duh.
Photo via   spectrumboutique.com

For the person who misses a very specific phallus

Clone-A-Willy Vibrating Silicone Molding Kit, $49.95
Spectrum Boutique, 0nline only, spectrumboutique.com
Penises are like snowflakes, and each one is totally unique. From veins, creases, and curvature, it's likely that everyone who likes penises has a favorite one, or two, or, OK, maybe three to enjoy. But if you can narrow it down to the top tip, there's the Clone-A-Willy kit, which allows you to copy your fave phallus. The medically tested DIY dildo mold kit walks you through the process of casting your own toy, which includes an optional Slimline vibrator. Clone-A-Pussy kits are also available because duh.

Photo via spectrumboutique.com