Michigan health officials announce guidelines for celebrating Halloween COVID-19 style

If you thought wearing a Scream, Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, or, uh, whatever the fuck this is mask would be enough to protect you against COVID-19, Michigan health officials are here to say: “One of us! One of us! Gooba, gabba!”

The Michigan Department of Health and Human Services is piggybacking on guidelines released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention earlier this week that ranked traditional Halloween activities like trick or treating, attending costume parties, and going to haunted houses as high-risk when it comes to the spread of the coronavirus. The CDC instead suggested decorating your own home, carving pumpkins, or hosting a movie night with people you may already live with as low-risk activities because that's not sad, like, at all.

“The way we celebrate Halloween in Michigan will be different this year due to COVID-19,” Dr. Joneigh Khaldun, chief medical executive and chief deputy for health said in a release. “However, there are still many ways to celebrate safely. The guidance MDHHS issued today provides tips for trick-or-treaters and their parents along with homeowners who wish to hand out treats.”

The CDC and MDHHS also note that costume masks are not an adequate substitute for a cloth face covering, “unless it is made of two or more layers of breathable fabric” that covers the mouth and nose without gaps. But don't try and double up, because the CDC says it might be hard to breathe and you won't just be seeing dead people — you'll be a dead person. OK — so we said that last bit.

However, for those families looking to partake in trick-or-treating, the CDC released guidelines as to how to go about it safely and totally apocalyptically.

First, they suggest having a talk with your kids about how Halloween may be a bit different this year because, duh, and to maintain social distancing and one-way trick-or-treating. Other tips include trick-or-treating with people you live with, avoiding congregating in groups, and trying to limit your outing to houses that appear to have safety measures in place.

As for homeowners, prepare to make trick-or-treating extra weird with duct tape social distancing markers leading up to the house or treat areas. They suggest handing out candy in an open area with a table between you and the trick-or-treaters or display candy on a disinfected table to eliminate one-on-one contact.

Not included in official guidelines, indulging in some liver, fava beans, and a big glass of Chianti and just waiting this shit out.

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