Beware of toe jam

Oct 16, 2002 at 12:00 am
Q: I have recently developed a strong foot fetish. When I’m not in a relationship (or if I’m with someone unresponsive to my desires), I have turned to visiting the local titty bar. I will buy a lap dance from one of the lovelier strippers and sit her in a chair facing me. Then I begin kissing, licking, and sucking on her toes and feet. What are the health risks?

A: The health risks are the same as if you put into your mouth something like a used pencil with an unknown history. Her feet could be dirty from the backstage area, the stage itself or who knows where. She could also have some fungal infection, such as athlete's foot, you wouldn't want growing in your mouth. Not a very sexy image, I know, but you did ask.

Q: I am a very sensual person. I have always enjoyed orgasms, both as a heterosexual and now as a lesbian. I recently acquired a new lover who is very affectionate and as passionate with me as I am with her. We sometimes have sex both morning and night. I am not accustomed to so much sex and I have been having trouble reaching orgasm. My lover can come at least once, sometimes twice, each time we make love. She becomes frustrated with her attempts to bring me to orgasm and asks me if she is doing something wrong. She isn't, I tell her, but now there's pressure for me to come, particularly to reaffirm her prowess as a lover, and I find that distracting. Should I fake orgasms when I'm feeling pressured? How should I discuss this with my lover? Could it simply be that we are having a lot of sex and that I am good for only four to six orgasms a week? Why is it that I can always have an orgasm when I masturbate, but I can’t always have one with my lover?

A: Starting with your last question, the reason it's usually easier to have an orgasm by yourself than with a lover is that you know exactly where and how to touch yourself best. There is also no one there to put any pressure on you to do or be anything other than what comes naturally. Having orgasms for any other reason than having reached the height of your sexual-arousal level is really counterproductive, whether to prove your love, her prowess or to rack up new rating points in the orgasm wars. Please tell your lover first how much pleasure it gives you that she is such a passionate woman and that together you generate so much heat. Then tell her that whether it's because you are new to a woman's touch other than your own, or to such sexual frequency or for any number of reasons, you are just not going to climax every time. Then inform her what you'd like to do about that — lovingly remove her whatever to let her know that you want no more stimulation at that moment, take matters into your own hands, stop the proceedings or continue on doing something else. And then, next time, do it. Faking is pointless and takes its eventual toll on an honest loving relationship.

Q: One day by mistake I turned on a TV sex channel which was showing naked girls. My wife was sitting next to me and she watched for a few minutes. After I changed the channel, my wife said that she liked watching naked girls. It make her very hot and it exaggerated her sexual feelings. She asked me if it's normal for a woman to like watching naked women. Is it?

A: It is perfectly normal to appreciate a beautiful body — on men and women. Many women like watching erotic films for the pleasure of seeing good-looking people of both sexes enjoying each other and being enjoyed. Be assured, and assure your wife, that there would be nothing wrong for you both to watch such television programs or videos for your own private pleasure and to enhance your marital sex. Isadora Alman, author of Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex, is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her at [email protected]. Her Sexuality Forum is at