And baby makes four

Dec 19, 2001 at 12:00 am
Q; I am a 43-year-old woman who's been married to the same man for 23 years. Our children are in college. I work in bank management and am fairly conservative. My husband, however, is fairly liberal, but it was me who ended up in an extramarital affair. He was someone I used to work with who called me one day just to say hello and that he was back in town. We met for lunch, then for dinner; one thing led to another and we ended up in bed. It was wonderful, but I was overcome with guilt and told my husband what happened. He was so turned on by the whole thing he took me right to bed. He then gave his blessing to my extra relationship. So for the last year I have been involved with two men, my husband and my boyfriend, 29. Usually I'll spend about three nights a week at my boyfriend's house or sometimes he'll come and stay at our house with me and my husband. The two men have become good friends. Recently he has gotten full custody of his 3-year-old daughter and he has asked me if I want to have a baby with him, something I am thinking about. My husband says it is up to me, that he has no problem with this. I am wondering if you have ever heard of a relationship like this, two men and one woman, working. I'd like any advice you can give me.

A: When I was growing up, many, many years ago, my parents knew a married couple and a man who was "their friend" who lived together. Who did what with whom behind closed doors was a matter of speculation, but the three of them were accepted into our relatively small-town society with nary a blink. No, you three are neither the first nor the only. You will find support for your arrangement from others in unconventional families at and As for advice, I am a firm proponent of sexual freedom for all consenting adults, of much broader choices than simply monogamously married or single and unattached, but bringing children into the world involves more that just the consenting adults. Think long and hard how this will affect your existing children and your relationships with other family members before proceeding.

Q: I met a gothic lady at a nightclub and she is into the B&D/S&M lifestyle. I am OK with that, but she wants to do a snuff-film role play. She wants to make a movie where she ties me up, has sex and then pretends to kill me with a plastic-covered pillow. Do you think this is safe?

A: No, and neither would anyone in their right mind.

Q: I am a healthy 40-year-old male. Over the past three to five years, I have been shooting less cum when I orgasm. My load seems to have leveled off to the present amount, which seems to be much less than when I was younger. What could be the possible causes? There seems to be no significant change in my physical or mental health, diet, exercise, sleep, sexual activity, medicines etc. The only thing that I can think of is that I was told once by a urologist that I had a stenotic urethra. I'm not sure that this should start to make a difference only in these past few years. What can I do to increase and maintain my load? Should I have sex more often, change my diet, take specific herbal supplements, investigate surgical intervention, do a specific exercise?

A: First, I'd check back with the urologist to see if things have changed with the condition of your urethra. Then, if this is really important to you, try any or all of the following: drink more liquids, do Kegel exercises to strengthen your muscles, make sure you are getting enough zinc in your diet. Also try abstaining from ejaculating for a few days, then, when next having sex, get near the critical point once or twice and then back off. That sort of primes the pump for heavier ejaculations.

Q: I am not a party person. Is there any benefit to attending holiday parties?

A: You get to nibble holiday goodies or feel virtuous by abstaining. You run the delightful risk of meeting someone interesting and making a new friend. Most of all, you will remain in the good graces of whomever invited you to the party. However, if you really can't summon the grace and will to be a guest who contributes something to the event beyond your grouchy presence, perhaps you'd best send your regrets and stay home with a good book. Isadora Alman is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her via this paper or [email protected]. Her Sexuality Forum is at