Q: I am a 28-year-old straight woman who has been dating a 24-year-old straight male for two months. Recently, I gave him oral sex while he was seated naked on my couch. The next day, as I went to sit on the couch, I noticed a brown stain on the cushion that looked highly suspicious. I have come to the conclusion that it was, in fact, poo. The stain had a streakish quality and was located where his butt-crack region was placed during the encounter. And furthermore, I smelled it. And I know what shit smells like!
OK, so the question: What the fuck?!?!?! Is this normal for men? Can I talk to him about this? Should I? I would like to be open and honest with him, but how do I even broach the subject?
I suspect that he knows that shit stains are an issue for him, because we were recently packing for a weekend trip and he got upset when I went to fold and pack his underwear. He wouldn't let me handle the undies because he didn't want me to "see any stains." I didn't think anything of it, assuming that he left occasional skid marks as some guys do, and I just made a joke about my period panties and moved on. But now I am annoyed. He should have realized what had happened when I blew him and at least tried to clean it up while I was sleeping or otherwise occupied.
Is pooping on the couch a deal breaker? Or can we be "cleaner" in the future and protect my bedding and furniture somehow? —Shit On Furniture Annoys Girl A Lot
A: Seeing as he's aware that he has a problem — he acknowledged as much when he kept his underwear out of your hands — this straight boy, at the very least, should've thought to spot-check your sofa after grinding his ass into it for the duration of that blow job. But you have to take some responsibility, too, SOFAGAL. You encouraged this young man to plop his naked ass down on your sofa and proceeded to engage in the kinds of behaviors that would cause any man to 1) open his legs and 2) grind his ass into whatever he happened to be sitting on. And where bare asses are set, shit stains are always a possibility.
So I'd say you're both at fault, SOFAGAL. Knowing what he knows about his own ass, the boy should've eyeballed your sofa and discreetly cleaned up after himself. But, again, shit stains can happen when you allow a nude man to sit his bare ass on your sofa, SOFAGAL, and commence blowing him. If I may invoke a Rumsfeldism: Prior to this incident, blow job-related shit stains on the sofa were, for you, an unknown unknown — something you didn't know you didn't know — but in the wake of this incident, shit stains are now a known known. And knowing what you now know, SOFAGAL, you might consider placing a towel — might I suggest a beige one? — on any sofa that you invite this man, or any other man, to set his bare bottom on prior to blowing him.
Finally, SOFAGAL, how to broach the subject? With a sense of humor. Sex can be messy, and shit happens quite literally sometimes — and not just to men. Women have assholes too, and shit-stained panties are a documented phenomenon. Let him know that he tagged your sofa — try to smile when you say it — and then head to the nearest gay neighborhood to pick up some brown or beige bath towels. And, come on, how bad can it really have been if you didn't notice when your nose was down there?
Q: My wife and I got into S&M about two years ago, and it's done a wonderful job of spicing up an otherwise very vanilla marriage. It was the odd happy ending to the usual doomed story of "husband who knows he's submissive finally gets courage to tell vanilla wife." We're constantly upping our game — we went from pegging and D's to flogging to hardcore beatings pretty swiftly, and we want to continue to push our boundaries.
Now we're looking into electrical play. And our question is about cattle prods. Are they safe? We've seen a couple of BDSM porn movies where a cattle prod gets used, but we have no idea if these are prop cattle prods or the real deal. And are there any books out there on safe electro-stim play? —Sub Needs Some Shocks
A: "Electric play is a great addition to BDSM, but cattle prods are a bad choice as they're not designed for use on humans," says David X, an electrical engineer who used to work in tech but today designs e-stim products for Eros Tek. "There are several reports of muscle injuries and even a few broken bones from prod-induced involuntary muscle contractions," David continues. "Burns and nerve damage are also possible. There really isn't any way to make a cattle prod safe, but if you must, use it only below the waist and make each shock as brief as possible. Make sure the submissive does not have weight or tension on their limbs and has room for safe movement."
And if you're attached to your balls, SNSS, and would like to remain attached to them, make sure they're not tied to anything. But, again, neither David nor I think you should use a cattle prod at all. David has a bias, of course, and would prefer to see you purchase something designed for use on humans — preferably something designed by him — but your bias-free advice professional strongly agrees with David: Invest in a product designed for use on humans.
"The best devices for BDSM electric play are made for that purpose," says David. "They can deliver very intense sensations while being much safer than a cattle prod. As for books, you're best off following the instructions that come with whatever device you purchase. This is another advantage of the BDSM products — they come with instructions for using them on humans instead of cattle."
You can see David's products at erostek.com.
Q: I'm a 23-year-old straight female. I have been friends with this guy for the past two and a half years and would like to continue. Problem is he gets jealous (because he has the hots for me, but I'm not interested) and a bit distant whenever there is a boyfriend or date in the picture. I'm not sure if I should approach him about this or not. —Just Friends Jealousy
A: Maintaining a friendship with a man who has the "hots" for you when you're not interested isn't kind, JFJ, it's emotionally sadistic. Maybe it's thoughtless sadism on your part, but it's sadism nonetheless. Because for as long as you're hanging out with him, JFJ, he's going to delude himself into thinking that he has a chance with you. And every time a potential boyfriend appears on the horizon — someone for whom you do have the hots — he's going to realize, once again, that he's a fool and, perhaps, being played for one. (How many times has he helped you move?)
Your friendship, while a marvelous treasure under most circumstances, is not a consolation prize for this guy. It's a torment. He doesn't have the strength to cut you out of his life — something that, if he's reading, I would strongly advise him to do — so you're going to have to do it for him, JFJ. If you don't, well, you can't claim that your sadism is thoughtless anymore. It's overt, conscious cruelty — "mean girl" bullshit. And if you're not careful, Garfunkel & Oates will write a song about you.Download the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. Send letters to [email protected]