Translation: Asshole

Share on Nextdoor

Q: I'm a 32-year-old, very attractive, very fit SWM living in NYC. I'm well-read and well-spoken. I march to the beat of my own drum. Friends tell me that my personality is intense. It must be true — everyone concurs. I'm extremely idealistic, and I count myself as a romantic. I'm interested in an intense and consuming love affair with a woman. But friends tell me that my approach to courtship and my energy scare women off.

I'm tired of fouling things up and making myself lonely. Yet, when a lady friend of mine, in response to my most recent upset, suggested I spend a night out with her where she would act as my wingman, I recoiled. Prowling for random women in a bar doesn't fit my sense of romance.

Should I consider counseling to try to tame my personality? Should I just be myself and continue being lonely and misunderstood? —Wild Horses Drag Me Away

A: You don't give me much to go on, WHDMA. It would help to know, for example, what exactly you're doing — besides being all intensely romantic and extremely idealistic and physically fit and stuff — that scares women off. How does your "intensity" manifest itself? Without that info, it's difficult to whip up some advice for you.

But I can do a little decoding for you: When friends say "your personality is intense," what they typically mean is "you are an asshole."

Assholes who have friends sometimes conclude that there's something wrong with dating or bars or all the women and/or men on the planet because, hey, I've got friends — and if my friends can stand me, why couldn't my ex-girlfriend(s)? But friending, if I may borrow Facebook's proprietary verb, an asshole is easy; dating an asshole is hard. (Or that's what my boyfriend tells me, anyway.)

A friendship involves a smaller time commitment; a girlfriend, if you could keep one, is required to spend much more time with you. Not only that, WHDMA, but people who are romantically involved with assholes come in for a higher degree of scrutiny. A person with an asshole friend is regarded as tolerant and/or indulgent and/or foolish. But a person with an asshole boyfriend is viewed as having a character flaw. Or several: lousy taste in men, the wrong kind of masochistic streak, low self-esteem, abuse issues, etc.

So, yeah, you should consider counseling to "tame your personality." Your alleged virtues — extremely intense! extremely romantic! extremely idealistic! — may not themselves be the problem. But if the people living outside your skull have identified them as impediments to your professed romantic goals, WHDMA, then there's something problematic about the way you're expressing them.

And that lady friend who offered to take you out and act as your wingman? I suspect she was trying to pull the stick out of your ass and trying to get you to see that dating — at least at the outset — is about pleasure, not intensity. I assure you that bars all over the civilized world are packed with "random women" as interested in intense and consuming love affairs as you are. You might want to give them a chance.

Q: A long time ago I experienced, late one night, roasted, drunk, blah, blah, blah!!! This brother picked me up and drove me to his place and screwed me good. He said I was hot!!! I really liked it, had an anal orgasm!!! It was indescribable. I loved it!!! He gave me his number. But I was too shy to call back. Never saw him again. So I bought dildos and proceeded to fuck myself and get drunk or high (weed) every night!!! What does that make me? Closet drunk? Closet English cigarette? I like pussy too! Whatzup?! —Anonymously Me

A: I don't have the faintest idea!!

Q: My boyfriend refuses to have any kind of intercourse with me while my Aunt Flo is visiting. I'm not asking to have sex when I'm on my heavy days, just at the beginning and tail ends of my period. He says it's disgusting, even if he wears a condom, and that it makes his stomach turn to even think about it. I find this terribly frustrating because my period lasts a good 10 days (according to his definition), and I have to go without any loving the whole time. And yet he expects me to blow him on a regular basis during that time. I love him, and I'd rather not DTMFA over this. What can I do? —Aunt Flo Terminates Erection Return

A: Only blow him on days when he hasn't used his penis to urinate.

Because really, AFTER, how can he ask you to suck cock on days when pee comes out of his thing? That's just as disgusting — it's more disgusting — than a little bit of blood on the condom. And any guy who can't handle a little bit of blood shouldn't be asking his girlfriend to ingest whatever trace amounts of urine might be lurking in his urethra. But if he wants you to blow him — to keep him content during your period — then he needs to find a way to do the same for you. If he can't bring himself to fuck you during your period, AFTER, then at the very least he can help you get off with a vibrator, or engage in outercourse with you, or mutual masturbation, or eat your pussy through a wad of Saran Wrap.

If he won't do any of that, reconsider DTMFA.

Q: I thought I knew what teabagging meant: to dip a man's testicles in and out of your mouth. But during a recent conversation about the Republican teabagging craze, my boyfriend told me that teabagging meant to put your balls into someone else's mouth. A person without balls, he insists, can't do the teabagging. But many people I know think they are the teabagger and their partner is the one being teabagged. An Internet search turns up both definitions. So, Dan, I'm asking you — as an expert on all things both political and sexual — do any of us hetero females have a chance of teabagging President Obama? Don't get me wrong: I want to teabag the president for all the right reasons. I'm a supporter. I just want in on any political activity that involves Obama's balls in my mouth. —The Earnest Aspirant

A: Let's say you were in the West Wing with Barack Obama's sack resting comfortably in your mouth. Perhaps you had done something meritorious — defeated the Somalian pirates, sworn in Sen. Al Franken — and you were being awarded the Presidential Wattle of Freedom. The New York Times might report, "The president of the United States and a Savage Love reader were spotted 'teabagging' in the Oval Office today."

But while you can teabag with the president, TEA, you don't have what it takes to administer a teabagging to the president. To teabag someone, you need a scrotum with which to teabag them: The teabagger dips sack; a teabaggee receives dipped sack. It's a little confusing, I realize, in that it's the opposite of a blow job: The person with a dick in his or her mouth is giving the blow job; the person being sucked is receiving the blow job. But language is funny that way.

About The Author

Dan Savage

Dan Savage is a sex-advice columnist, podcaster, and author, and has appeared on numerous television shows. His sex advice column “Savage Love” first appeared in The Stranger, Seattle’s alternative weekly, in 1991. The column is now syndicated across the United States and Canada. He has published six books...
Scroll to read more Savage Love articles


Join Detroit Metro Times Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.