No reason to be nice

Q: I’ve been dating this man for about five months and he eats the nastyst shit in the world. Every night it’s crap like wopers and fries or he’ll buy a stake from the most gheto supermarkit he can find and eat it like it’s his last meal. He is fat and it grosses me out because I know where his fat comes from. His breath stinks like Taco Bell and his come tastes like shit. He is also the sweetist man I’ve ever met and he treats me like a godess. But I’m the kind of person who takes her health very seriously and just kissing him grosses me out. How can I tell him without making him feel embarrassed? Is there a nice way to say, “Your fat because you eat like a discusting pig and I can hardly kiss those fat greesy lips of yours any more”? —Good Food Girl

A: Sorry, GFG, there’s no nice way to tell your boyfriend that the “wopers” and what they do to his ass, breath, come and lips turns you off — just as there’s no nice way for me to tell you that your spelling is absolutely appalling. And not only isn’t there a nice way to say, “You’re fat because you eat like a discusting pig,” there’s also no reason to be nice about it. Why soften the blow? Tell him straight out that if he wants to be with you, he’s going to have to eat decent food and lose some weight. Consider the nonsmoker who dates a smoker on the condition that he change his ways: The nonsmoker won’t get anywhere being nice. No, the nonsmoker has to be blunt: “Stop smoking or we’re through.” You have to be similarly blunt: He can have you or he can have his Whoppers, but he can’t have both. Period. Like some smokers, your boyfriend may prefer his vice to your companionship — but so what if he does? There are plenty of other nice, wonderful guys out there with nongreasy lips. Perhaps you’ll meet one in that remedial English course you’re going to sign up for?

Q: My best friend and roommate of two years is gay. Last weekend we went to a gay bar in Boston. Although I am a varsity athlete, I do not “pump up.” Half the guys in this bar, however, were shirtless and had great bodies. Apparently this type was attracted to me: I was “hit” on at least 35 times, and actually found the attention flattering. But when I told them I was straight, they were FUCKING RUDE! One guy was outright hostile, and I would have decked the asshole but he had biceps the size of my thigh.

My question involves a hetero entering the gay “scene.” Why are gay men so rejecting of heteros? —Stressed Out Straight

A: So you went to a gay meat market and the gay men who hit on you weren’t thrilled when they learned you were straight; one was “outright hostile.” Boo-fuckin’-hoo. The gay men you encountered that night weren’t “rejecting of heteros,” you twit. They were annoyed with you. When gay guys go to gay meat markets, SOS, they naturally assume that all the other men in the place are gay and available. You were neither. Naturally the men in that meat market felt a bit deceived — which is no excuse for rudeness, of course. But still. Thirty-five gay men hit on you in a gay meat market and only one was hostile? To repeat: boo-fuckin’-hoo. Go ask a straight woman how straight guys react to young, good-looking and unavailable women who hang out in straight meat markets.

A final thought, SOS: Some straight men are shits, some gay men are shits. Gay or straight, men who are trying to get laid can be especially shitty — and rude and selfish and hostile. And just as we don’t hold the shitty behavior of some straight men against all straight men, we don’t hold the shitty behavior of some gay men against all gay men.

Q: I only get turned on while my boyfriend and I are both wearing all of our clothes. He, on the other hand, wants to strip me naked after one kiss. Then it takes me way too long to get warmed up, and there’s never that great spontaneous sex feeling. The only time we get to make out with clothes on is in semipublic, where we have to stay dressed because there’s the chance we might be seen. This is very exciting to me. How can I convince him that I really need to feel his dick trying to break through his jeans in order to get hot? How do I make him do it in the bedroom? —Slow to Strip

A: How do you make your boyfriend keep his clothes on in the bedroom? By refusing to fuck him unless he keeps his clothes on. If you’ve told him what it takes to turn you on and he won’t do it, well, don’t fuck him. Once he sees that there are consequences to ignoring the things that turn you on, he will be more careful about making those things happen for you. If, on the other hand, you consent to sex despite the fact that you’re not turned on, then he’ll never understand how important this rolling-around-with-your-clothes-on stuff is to you. So let him know. The next time he kisses you and instantly strips naked say, “Sorry, honey, but this just isn’t doing it for me.” When he asks what he can do to get you in the mood, hand him his pants and tell him that he already knows. If he refuses to indulge you in a little fully and partly clothed rolling around before sex, well, then he’s an inconsiderate, selfish, lazy piece of shit and you should dump his sorry ass.

Q: From the very first discussion about boxers vs. briefs, my workplace has been divided. I steadfastly maintained that briefs could be sexy; no one else would concede that it might be possible. I waited anxiously for the contest pics to be posted, just to prove to them how right I was. Then I went on vacation. Two weeks later I go on the Web site and, voila, the contest is over and the pics were removed! I don’t feel the need to cast my vote, but I want to see the contestants. Oh, do I want to see them. Is there a way to see the entries still? —M

A: Jesus H. Christ, M, the pics were up at www.tightywhitiesarehot.com for TWO WEEKS. Where were you that you couldn’t get online for TWO MINUTES to check out the boys in their underwear? I spent a week in a tiny fishing village in Mexico earlier this year, and there was an Internet cafe on every other corner. I’m sorry, M, the pics are down, and they’re staying down.

As for the winner ... who was supposed to be revealed in this week’s column ... I’m actually having a hard time connecting with him. As soon as I can get him on the phone, I’ll reveal his name and all pertinent, personal details in the column. Sit tight, TW fans!

Next week in Savage Love: Furries speak! And roll over! And go on the carpet! And attempt to chew me a furry new asshole!