Hoops

Basketball seems like a simple game with few opportunities for commercialization, because supposedly only a rim and a ball are necessary to play. That’s not the case, though. First, consider the shoes; everybody always wants new basketball shoes. Next time you need a fix for new kicks, forget Kobe Bryant and Michael Jordan, go back to one of the pioneers of hoops creativity and funk: Dr. J. At www.eastbay.com, get a pair of Converse Dr. J Classic high-tops for $39.99. If they don’t heal your game, then maybe you need a dose of Vertical Blast 2000 (www.verticalblast.com). Only $39 for a bottle of creatine-based (cq) serum that guarantees "Rapid Vertical Jumping Ability!" (cq) If you still can’t jump high enough, get a pair of Plyometric Training Shoes ($124.99 at www.eastbay.com) which are regular basketball shoes with what appear to be springlike devices on the bottom. I’m not sure how or why, but there’s clearly a connection between jump height and penis length. There’s got to be.