Gay Marriage: The Solution to Your Lousy One

Gay Rights has become the new “it” trend for 2013.

Obama supports it. Most young people support it. Thirteen states support it. Even the occasional priest shows a tacit nod of approval — in the symbolic act of expressing his support via little boys.

For those of you against it, whose religious beliefs justify the slaughter of thousands in the name of the Lord, but inhibit you from accepting that it’s OK for two people of the same gender to love each other and have a state-issued license, you are the audience I’d like to address today.

I appreciate your main supposition against the prospect of gay marriage exceptionally thoughtful: Why would we want to have an entire cross-section of people suffer the way we, straights, do?

But, remember, one man’s suffering is another man’s pleasure.

The fact of the matter is, gay men are the single biggest threat to your hetero relationship, second only to your extramarital affair. Gay men make ideal husbands, so if you prevent them from getting married, they will undoubtedly steal your wives.

They cook. They clean. They dress impeccably well and even love to go to the mall and shop. They care about their appearance and go to the gym. They are sensitive enough to provide a shoulder for crying on — and aren’t afraid to cry on a woman’s shoulder too (as long as their tears don’t stain their new Calvin Klein leather boots).

Face it men: You are outgunned.

While some women may find the stained wife beater you’ve been wearing for the past 20 years cute — the musky scent of your body odor fermenting into a yet-to-be discovered chemical weapon —oddly tantalizing; the permanent cowlick and purple circles under your eyes appealing — because your masculinity prevents you from discovering moisturizing — odds are it may not be enough.

Tis true, some women find the deceased look attractive, which is why The Walking Dead has probably done so well — it reminds women of their grizzly husbands.

But most women — a woman who has aspirations in life — really needs a gay hanging on her arm

rather than some booze-ridden straight guy. Gays are the new Birkin bag!

For those of you skeptical of my claim, those who think it ludicrous there could be a successful marriage between a woman and a gay man — there is evidence. Why do you think Cinderella and Prince Charming had a Happily Ever After?

PC was a butt pirate, you know.

No straight guy would travel a continent to see if a glass heel would fit his woman. And the only reason PC didn’t steal it for himself is because his foot was too big; first world gay man problems, to be sure.

So go ahead, keep opposing equal rights for fellow tax-paying citizens like it’s the ’50s all over again; next thing you know, your wife will be in a convertible sitting next to the very man you thought shouldn’t be married in the first place.

God does work miracles, but did he grant you the ability to make a Brie and bacon omelet with a side of fresh squeezed orange juice to bring to your wife in bed? No, that one goes to the gays. While love is a powerful thing, hot abs and shopping are just a bit stronger.

Sex may be the main argument for you nonbelievers. But women feel comfortable around the gay friend, not intimidated or self-conscious. A gay man will kiss her gently; unlike the straight husband who forces his tongue so far down her throat it grazes the left aorta. Women can share embarrassing stories and gossip, knowing their gay man will back them 100 percent.

This hybrid hetero-homo relationship will be the dawn of a new era in human history. The second Golden Age, where couples are happily married and not bound together by obsolete ideas and the fear of being struck down by a lightning bolt.

So go ahead and keep on opposing.

Support Gay Marriage

or ruin yours.

Jason Singer is an editorial intern and the bane of many readers existence. He writes The Intern Blog for Metro Times.

Scroll to read more ICYMI articles


Join Detroit Metro Times Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.