Q: I am obsessed with my girlfriend sitting on my face, so I can eat her out while my nose penetrates her. It drives her crazy as well. I am wondering if you have heard of a dildo that could be mounted on my face, specifically on my nose, so that I penetrate her more deeply while she sits on my face and I lick her clit? Basically, I want her to be able to really ride my face while I lick her clit. —Strange Fantasy Dude
A: "Sadly, there's no out-of-the-box solution I can recommend," says Cory Silverberg of Come As You Are, Toronto's worker-owned and -operated sex shop. "There are harnesses that are meant to strap on to the head, like the Head-On Harness available at Stockroom.com. But it covers the mouth." So you wouldn't be able to eat your girlfriend out with one buckled to your face.
Cory continues, "And there is the often-poked-fun-at Accommodator." (A latex harness that straps a dildo to your chin and looks just as ridiculous as it feels.) "But it isn't hollow, so it couldn't be worn comfortably over the nose," he says. And finding something that fits comfortably over your nose is going to be your biggest problem.
"It would need to be hollow," explains Cory, "but it would need enough heft such that it wouldn't be constantly buckling and hitting you in the mouth or between the eyes. The tricky thing is that the nose is so close to the eyes, so anything with straps might dig in or at least go over the eyes in an uncomfortable way."
So what do you do?
"Get in touch with a good harness-maker and ask if they do custom work," Cory recommends. "One of my favorites is Outlaw Leather in Seattle (outlawseattle.com)." Outlaw Leather produces high-quality dildo harnesses and could, in theory, make you a dildo harness that fits comfortably over your nose. Custom work is expensive, of course. "But no one said dreams came cheap," says Cory.
But if you're going to go the custom-made route, SFD, I think you might have better luck with a custom-made hood. They're designed to be worn over the nose, and most have mouth openings. You could easily have one made with a wider mouth opening and an extended nosepiece.
"You could also go the Cyrano de Bergerac route," says Cory, "and look into getting a high-quality prosthesis that fits over the nose." He thinks the folks lurking at Pinocchia (forums.pinocchia.com) — a site for guys into girls with big noses — might have some idea where to get a prosthesis.
Q: I'm a 30-year-old, mildly genderqueer, bi-leaning-het male virgin. I'm not uncomfortable around women — pretty much all of my friends are women — I don't really have any confidence issues, and I know I'm not a prude. But for reasons too complicated to get into here, I just haven't gotten around to screwing anybody yet. I'm waiting for the right person, and it just hasn't happened yet. I don't want to have sex with somebody who's drunk or emotionally vulnerable, or manipulate anybody, and it's very important to me that sex be (among other things) a form of affection and not isolated sex-for-sex's-sake.
I know I'm the only person who can answer the question of whether I want to have sex right now. But do I need to have sex right now? Because one day I'm going to fall in love, and it's going to get sexual. The message I hear from a lot of people I respect is that I'm going to pay a price for waiting until then to get laid. Am I? Am I probably going to be OK? —Virgin At Thirty
A: Yeah, you'll be ok — but by ruling out drunks, the emotionally vulnerable, and the easily manipulated, VAT, you increase the odds that you'll remain a virgin for the rest of your natural life. A lot of very beautiful relationships — to say nothing of a lot of very timely deflowerings — owe their existences to booze, emotional vulnerability and a little well-timed, well-intentioned manipulation.
And wherever did you get the idea that sex-for-sex's-sake can't also be affectionate?
Q: I'm a 28-year-old woman. I've been with my current boyfriend for five years. He's married and has been telling me the whole time that he's going to leave his wife eventually. There's always an excuse: a crisis with the kids, money problems, etc. I've been stupid to stay with him for so long, but I just can't keep away from him.
I just found out I'm pregnant, and I haven't told my boyfriend. This is the second time we've been pregnant. Last time he reacted very badly, and I miscarried after a few weeks. I know he'll want me to get rid of the baby, but I'm going to keep it.
Whenever his wife goes away, I go over to the house to spend time with him. I've been planting evidence of our affair around the house in the hopes his wife will find it. So far, no luck. I'd like him to be man enough to leave her, but that's probably never going to happen. I could leave him, but if I do, I want to make sure he's miserable. I'm not going to vanish from his life and leave him all happily ever after. I'm thinking of going and telling his wife. What do you think? Is there any way I can force him to tell her? —Now The Other Mom
A: No adivce for you, NTOM, but plenty of prenatal sympathy for a poor unfortunate fetus who deserves better parents or his very own miscarriage.
I will, however, hold on to your letter. I'm going to forward a copy to every doucheburst who writes in to tell me that gay marriage is wrong because every child deserves a mother and a father. Moms and dads can be great — I had a terrific set, myself — but mix-matched genitals are not enough. Kids need loving, fit and reasonably sane parents. Having one twatted parent and one pricked parent does not guarantee a happy childhood.
Q: I am a straight, 18-year-old girl and a college freshman. A couple of months ago, I lost my virginity to my first serious boyfriend, and since then we've been having sex several times a day. Apparently we have been a bit too enthusiastic, because my boyfriend received a note from his downstairs neighbors. In crass and abusive language, they told us to keep it down. I was mortified. Post-note, I've been tense and nervous during sex, more focused on listening for the neighbors than enjoying the act. This is upsetting me terribly, and I don't know how to make it better. Even if we are both silent, the bed inevitably squeaks and thumps. There is really nowhere else on campus for us to go. (I have three roommates who don't get out much.) What should I do? I am so depressed by this situation. —Loud And Clear
A: Go buy the original Broadway cast recording of Avenue Q. The next time you have sex, blast "You Can Be as Loud as the Hell You Want (When You're Makin' Love)" at top volume. When the neighbors complain about the music, tell them that they can listen to show tunes or put up with the noise you guys make when you have sex — their pick.Download Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage