Eight Detroit companies we’re sure to see in 2015

Future schlock

View this story as a slideshow here.

Things We're Bound to See Dep't: These days, stylish young people pick and choose clothes and accessories that smack of timelessness. But given their contemporary setting, these haphazard appropriations can also seem utterly preposterous. If it's artisanal, free-range, GMO-free, heirloom, or anything involving facial hair or Mason jars, you can be sure it's the latest craze! Who'd have thought that we'd see handlebar mustaches and skinny jeans together! Of course, when you follow these style points to their logical (and above all, local!) conclusion, things get interesting real fast. That's why we feel that these are eight start-ups we're bound to see appear in 2015.

1. Detroit Friend Company

Having a fete in Bushwick or Portland, but just need that extra bit of urban attitude to push your party over the top? Rent a guest from the Detroit Friend Company and he'll be the life of the party. Our Detroit-born and -raised friends are guaranteed to impress your coastal coterie with their strong opinions formed from actual life experience. Friends come in styles ranging from bitter Detroit artist to outspoken black Detroit militant. Bulk discounts available through our "I'm From Detroit, Bitch" program.

2. Detroit Velocipede Company

"The Original Fixie!" Fixed-gears are sooo 2005. The future is gearless! Wake up, don your pantaloons, strap on your suspenders, and leap aboard your 2015 DVC velocipede. Make a splash upon your arrival with a leaping dismount. (Femur splint not included.) They come in flat black, McKinley gray, and neon pink.

3. Detroit Handcar Company

M1 isn't the only rail in town. The Detroit Handcar Company is laying a circuit of steel rail along Hancock and Prentis between Cass and Third in Detroit, offering an exciting new way for strong young men to work out and be smoothly conveyed to area saloons at the same time. Nothing will complete the 19th century-inspired lumbersexual look like you pumping those guns on a 500-pound steel-and-wood handcar. Your brawn also powers as many as three USB chargers, WiFi, and a heating element for your pourover coffee (optional).

4. Detroit Gentlemen's Weapons Corporation

Harboring resentment from the latest flame war on social networking? Demand satisfaction with the finest Detroit-built men's dueling pistols, handmade in a variety of sizes and styles. Our smoothbore, flintlock weapons are made from automotive steel reclaimed from classic Detroit cars, presented in a case made from abandoned Detroit homes. Even the case linings are mint-condition repurposed Oldsmobile trunk-liners. So when you need to settle a score, don't settle for second best. Say it with DGWC.

5. Detroit Stable, Saddle & Buckboard Company

Declare your attachment to a simpler time with equestrian accouterments from the Detroit Stable, Saddle & Buckboard Company. Whether you'd prefer to ride comfortably on a cantering steed or careen about town in a dashing phaeton, we're the one-stop outfitter, with cruelty-free, hand-tooled leather saddles and tackle. Choose among a wide range of wagons, from simple buckboards to stylish, made-to-order cabriolets. What's more, our draft horses graze upon vacant Detroit lots planted with only the finest heirloom alfalfa strains.

6. Detroit Smelling Salts Concern

Everybody faints at some point. Has the local microroastery that focuses on small-lot coffees from cooperatives in Colombia and Peru been replaced with an American Apparel? Any person of taste would be rendered unconscious. When that happens, you'll want to have something aromatic from the Detroit Smelling Salts Concern on hand. Our products are made from naturally healing deposits of sulfurous salts pumped from deep below Mount Clemens, then dried in a solar kiln, scented with absinthe, and infused with ammonium carbonate for the kick that brings you back to your senses.

7. Detroit Bloomer & Union Suit Company

Are you a Detroiter right down to your skin? Not unless you're wearing quality undergarments from the Detroit Bloomer & Union Suit Company. Our high-thread-count cotton bloomers are made from home-spun thread made by actual Detroit vegans. And our humane sheep farm on the city's east side guarantees a continuous supply of precious, untreated wool that will keep you warm all winter long. Underneath it all, you'll know just how Detroit you really are.

8. Detroit Automobile Company

Do you harbor a desire to embrace the future? To leave the city far behind and blaze a trail of your own? Look no further than the affordable quadricycle produced by the Detroit Automobile Company. Our hand-assembled vehicles require 674 man-hours of labor to complete, each one ready to transport you away from your walkable urban paradise where you can enjoy the blessing of hours of pleasure in God's great open spaces. — mt

See also: Predictions aimed at helping young Detroiters get the most out of 2015

About The Authors

Lee DeVito

Leyland “Lee” DeVito is the editor in chief of Detroit Metro Times since 2016. His writing has also been published in Hour Detroit, VICE, In These Times, and New City. He once asked porn star Stormy Daniels to spank him with an issue of Metro Times. She obliged...

Michael Jackman

Born in 1969 at Mount Carmel hospital in Detroit, Jackman grew up just 100 yards from the Detroit city line in east Dearborn. Jackman has attended New York University, the School of Visual Arts, Northwestern University and Wayne State University, though he never got a degree. He has worked as a bar back, busboy,...
Scroll to read more Michigan News articles


Join Detroit Metro Times Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.