Better bets

You probably didn't hear about the Metro Times casino bid. It was in the early days of the Great Casino Bidding Wars of '98, and, frankly, we didn't get very far. Maybe Mayor Dennis Archer has some reticence toward the paper. Maybe it was something we wrote about the other developers. We'll never know. But since we didn't get to build our dream casino, we present the plans, and some of the attractions we would've liked to include, right here. Investors?

Karen Newman National Anthem Revue:
Get star-spangled, 24-7!

The Ilitch/Detroit Tigers Sports Betting Room: Outcome guaranteed.

Preference Poker: The cards have pictures of the Little Caesars mascot and Greek statues. The only winners are named Ilitch or have "Greektown" on their business cards. City officials are welcome to try their luck under the table.

Auto Defect Roulette: Spin to win! What defect will you drive home with? Air bags that inflate when you turn on the ignition? Too-easy rollovers? Exploding gas tanks? For those with the drive to win a big insurance settlement!

The All Losers, All the Time Slot Machine: Easy to match – all the pictures are of Don Barden. Unfortunately, there’s never a payoff. Special option: You can feed your paycheck directly into the machine.

The Washed-up Motown Revue: Watch second-stringers, bit players and retirees get down in this unique revival of some of Motown’s forgotten B-sides.

The Tyree Guyton Polka-Dot Slots: You win for a while, but then the whole game gets thrown into city-owned Dumpsters.

Progressive Craps: Bet whatever amount you’re comfortable with losing. First level is car notes. Second is house titles. Third, for high-rollers, is first-borns. Also played in the John Engler High-Roller Room, where we’re not sure what the rules are, but you go in rich and come out richer.

Fun for all!

At the MT Grand Casino, gamble your cares (and all your worldly possessions) away while enjoying our many exciting attractions.

Detroit City Council Smoke-filled Backroom!
Never a loser! Open to elected officials only.

Virtual Reality Demolition Arcade!
Strap on a pair of safety goggles and re-create the destruction of downtown Detroit! Target any non-casino building you like and watch as it tumbles before your eyes!

Unique shopping opportunities!
Visit our deluxe Pawn and Gift shop, where you can buy other people’s watches, wedding rings and car titles – or hock your own to increase your gambling pleasure!

Delectable dining!
Visit the fabulous, famous coney dog buffet. All-you-can-eat wieners and chili, with Little Caesars pizza for dessert. Edible gold leaf on any order for just 50 cents extra. Free 40-ounce malt liquors for anyone actively gaming.

Exciting entertainment!
In the TV News Puff Room, you can watch every night as host Bill Bonds and local TV reporters interview the day’s big winners! Will you be next?

Of course we have plenty of $100-an-hour call girls, just like Vegas. But as an added feature for the cost-conscious conventioneer, MTG offers the Crack Ho’ Ballroom where pleasures come cheap but not necessarily disease-free.

Share a complimentary jug of fortified wine with Celebrity Greeter Soupy Sales and his sidekicks White Fang and Black Tooth.

And don’t miss Circus Martius – Detroit’s version of the Cirque de Soleil features trained hoop-jumping pit bulls, flaming Opa daredevils and a guy who sticks his head in a Rottweiler’s mouth. Watch the hourly pie-in-the-sky toss, sponsored by Detroit’s own mayor, and visit Loser’s Leap, where you can pay to watch – but it’s always free to jump!

Helpful special services!
The MT Grand guest services include on-site loan/marriage/ suicide counselors. Spend 15 minutes being counseled for free and be certified as cured of all addictions! Or, if you prefer, stop in at the Gamblers Anonymous processing center for a free roll of $1 chips.

Got that loving feeling? Take your sweetie to the Instant Wedding Chapel! It looks like a photo booth, but more fun! We’ll even allow same-sex unions, as long as you have an approved credit card.

Bus tours, don’t forget about the Senior Citizen’s Welcome Center, where seniors can sit on Santa’s lap once again in a miniature re-creation of the old Hudson’s store.

Also, deadbeats can meet semi-famous former Red Wings enforcer types! Probert’s Goon Squad Collections Service comes calling late at night to collect the vig on those high-interest loans taken out at our convenient Mortgage Your Future booth.

Luxurious accommodation!
No expense has been spent to provide our guests with the best. Ask for a deluxe penthouse suite – instead of windows, there are murals painted to look like you’re anywhere else!

Also, ask about the Snowed-in Special. In December and January, casino guests can earn a roll of poker chips for every 10 minutes spent shoveling city streets! Be the first to check in to the Atlantic City suite or view the fabulous Detroit skyline from the Windsor Casino Room.

Fun for the whole family!
The little ones will love to play in the Kiddie Gambling Area! Small-scale roulette wheels make it easy, with numbers only up to 10. Slot machines have friendly pictures of Barney, Tinky-Winky, Big Bird and Bugs Bunny, and our dealers are specially trained for rousing games of no-limit Old Maid and Go Fish.

Or, enroll your tyke in the Little Sharks Dealer Training School – an after-hours program that’ll teach them how to earn their own damn college tuition!

Please note: Children left for more than 24 hours can be claimed at the pawn shop. — By Chris Handyside, Curt Guyette & Alisa Gordaneer.

About The Author

Metro Times Staff

Since 1980, Metro Times has been Detroit’s premier alternative source for news, arts, culture, music, film, food, fashion and more from a liberal point of view.
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