Get drunk on cuteness at the Creature Conservancy

4940 Ann Arbor-Saline Rd., Ann Arbor; 734-929-9324; thecreatureconservancy.org
Hold back the tears, Kristen Bell. At the Creature Conservancy in Ann Arbor, you can meet a real-life sloth or two. This magical place, which cares for more than 300 animals, most of which were injured, non-releasable wildlife, surrendered pets, and animals from other zoos, is where action and cuteness come together for a sobering look at the much larger world around us. Currently, the Creature Conservancy is open on weekends, as well as for small private tours. Though there is a ticket price, they also accept donations. You try caring for a cougar, an alligator, and a porcupine named Lady Gaga. Warning: the cuteness is intoxicating.

Photo via The Creature Conservancy/Facebook

Spend your bar money on pinball

There’s no high like smashing a high score on Jurassic Park pinball. No, seriously. Take your sober self back a decade or two. (Or, in the case of the iconic Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum in Farmington Hills, maybe four.) Though 2020 was a rocky year for beloved arcades, like Ann Arbor and East Lansing mainstay Pinball Pete’s, where .50-cent pinball reigns supreme, they are surviving thanks to your would-be-bar money and donations to make up on some lost operational costs. Trust us, you won’t miss $15 watered-down cocktails when you shatter the Adams Family record.

Photo via Pinball Pete’s/Facebook

Give your takeout a glow up with a meal kit from a metro Detroit restaurant

Don’t get us wrong, we love pizza. Like, sincerely, if we could commit our lives to a single food, it would likely be pizza. But holy shit are we tired of, well, pizza. Thank goodness some of metro Detroit’s finest are giving take-out the ol’ glow-up with upscale to-go meal kits. Want a 60-day bone-in, dry-aged American Wagyu strip steak with truffle aioli? Mable Grey in Hazel Park has you covered. Maybe you’re missing on date night pretty hard. If so, look no further than Detroit’s SheWolf and the award-winning restaurant’s Mercato offerings, which allows you to build a fancy meal to eat at your leisure, you know, in sweats in front of a non-stop stream of The Office because… sigh. (Tip: Don’t skip out on a pint of pistachio gelato.)

Photo via SheWolf Detroit/Facebook

Break out the classy sweats for a virtual performance by the Detroit Symphony Orchestra

You, too, can live the high life like the Frasier Crane. All you have to do is put on the good sweats (you know, no mysterious stains or smells), dim the lights, and pretend you are as classy as the folks over at the Detroit Symphony Orchestra, who, since the pandemic struck, have pivoted to offering some incredible virtual programming. In fact, they’ve even launched their own streaming app available on Apple devices and Roku, where they’ve uploaded more than 200 new and archival performances.

Photo via Detroit Symphony Orchestra/Facebook

Take virtual comedy classes from metro Detroit performers

Life hasn’t been exactly funny lately but that doesn’t mean you can’t laugh about how terrible things are. Better yet, escape the doom, gloom, and attempted coups with virtual comedy classes via Hamtramck’s Planet Ant or Go Comedy Improv Theatre in Ferndale. Not feeling up to making others laugh? Don’t worry, both spots host regular comedy shows via Zoom, Twitch, and Facebook live. Also, don’t hesitate to snag a gift card to use when this nightmare is over.

Photo via Planet Ant/Facebook

Buy and play a game from a local game shop instead of playing with your liver

One of the best things to come out of 2020 is a rekindled love of board games and puzzles. Granted, we didn’t really have a choice in the matter, but for that reason we put our goddamn phones down and tapped into our competitive side instead of tapping, well, the tap. Whether you’re into the classics (Monopoly, Life, etc.) or watched The Queen’s Gambit and want to see if you’re a hidden chess genius or want to go full nerd with miniature games like Warhammer or Star Wars: Legion, metro Detroit game shops (aka not Amazon) are a great place to kill some sober time, spend some sober cash, and take home a sobering activity. Settlers of Catan? Be a settler of yes-you-can!

Photo via Eternal Games Warren/Facebook

Take a hike! No, really!

If you’re sober, there is no better reminder of the power of the unpoisoned body than going on a hike through Michigan’s many nature and hiking trails. Put on some real pants (if you feel so inclined, of course) and pick a dang trail. Don’t forget to breathe and remind yourself that you totally got this.

Ken Lund/Flickr Commons

Self-guided Detroit street art tour … you can do it!

OK — so you can’t drink and drive but no one says you can’t think and drive. This sober activity requires a bit of imagination, GPS skills, and a sense of adventure because though Detroit’s cultural institutions are open, not everyone is feeling comfortable enough to hang indoors just yet. Hop in the car and cruise Detroit to take in some world-class art. From murals in Eastern Market to quirky neighborhood installations via the Heidelberg Project, nearly every Detroit neighborhood has an art story to tell. Crank up the A/C in your Hyundai, put on some tunes, and take in the sights from a safe distance. Also, did someone say a cheap date idea? Peep the city’s mural guide or The Detroit Mural Project for a more detailed look at Detroit’s street art.

Photo by Steve Neavling

Enjoy the flavor without the booze with a metro Detroit mocktail to-go

Good news for sober folks of all persuasions, especially those who miss sipping on an adventurous concoction from your favorite watering hole. Sober curiosity is a thing now so, naturally, that means the popularity of the mocktail is on the rise because it's a bummer when you want to drink something nonalcoholic and the only beverage available is pop, so maybe peep our list of local hotspots around town that specifically offer mocktails — or this list of places offering cocktails to-go and inquire about their mocktail offerings. Cheers!

Photo via Castailia Cocktails/Facebook

Shop for vinyl and then dance it out at home

Even if you could dance it up at a concert or club, those environments are hella triggering for anyone who is sober. So why not drop some dough at any one of metro Detroit’s resilient record shops so that you can dance it out at home and feel really good that you supported a local business keeping the music alive? Don’t feel like dancing? You can pick a sad and sappy record, too, just make sure it leads you to a bubble bath and not a glass of bubbly. You know, self-care.

Photo via Dearborn Music/Facebook

Get out of your head and into some volunteering

This one goes without saying, but there is no better way to gain perspective than changing the world around you for the better and there’s no better place to start than your own backyard. You don’t have to have cash to help out, either. A lot of organizations could use stuff you already have or just an extra set of hands to make sure that people in need have access to food, water, clothing, and other necessities. From food banks to shelters, veteran services, animal welfare warriors, and LGBTQ+ organizations, all have been impacted by the pandemic and all need whatever help you got. Don’t know where to start? Try this list we compiled last year when the pandemic struck. Also, there are always people nearby who could use a hand so reach out to your local neighborhood Facebook groups and find out how to make an even bigger local impact.

Photo by Amber Marie Smith via Alternatives for Girls/Instagram

Virtual fitness

We miss getting our namaste on with fellow yoga enthusiasts, too. But you can sweat it out at home where you will feel a lot more comfortable falling out of airplane pose and will have the opportunity to strengthen your focus as your dog/cat/child/spouse inevitably interrupts your practice to go on a walk/get fed/get attention. So, by taking advantage of virtual yoga classes from places like Citizen Yoga and Detroit Yoga Lab you might be more inclined to continue your path of sobriety and zen AF-ness.

Photo via Citizen Yoga Detroit

Let electronic artists give you something to dance about with Paxahau livestreams

If the only thumping you’ve heard in the last 10 months is that of your constantly panicked heart, well, this one’s for you. The organizers of Detroit’s Movement Festival, which celebrates electronic music with the outdoor rave of a lifetime (not to mention the dang after parties) have launched a whole mess of programming via Twitch for those of us who need to get our techno fix. Since last summer, Paxahau has launched virtual festivals and regularly hosts live sets from Pax HQ, in addition to offering access to archival sets, podcasts, and panels.

Photo courtesy of Paxahau/DJ Holographic

Adopt a metro Detroit animal in need of a furever home — or just try one out

OK — so this isn’t an original idea or anything but if the pandemic has shown us anything it's that life is just better with pets. While it is likely you could snag a stray who keeps lingering at your backdoor (we’ve done it and highly recommend it) you can also check out the special animal friends in need at one of many metro Detroit animal welfare organizations, as well as Humane Societies. Not ready for a new furry family member? Check out Friends for Animals of Metro Detroit where you can take a shelter dog out for a day on the town to help them socialize, while getting plenty of fresh air and nose boops.

Photo via Friends of Animals of Metro Detroit/Facebook

Get inked to commemorate your journey … or just to feel something

Nothing says ‘new me’ quite like some new ink from one of metro Detroit’s many tattoo shops. Whether you’ve reached a milestone in your sobriety journey or find yourself leaving a toxic situation or wanting to declare love for your pet with a big’ ol portrait, tattoo artists are there to offer some permanence in a world where, well, everything is temporary. Not sure where to start? Well, you could peep this list of 30 Detroit area tattoo artists we compiled to make your hunt a bit easier.

Photo via Tattoo by Robert Casper of Iconic Tattoo/Instagram @tattoosbycasper

Satisfy your sweet tooth (we said sober, not dead)

While we whole-heartedly recognize that one can have addictions to food as well as sweets, this suggestion is for those who feel as though they can stay on their sobriety path with some help from some of metro Detroit’s biggest, baddest, most mouth-watering desserts. Treat yourself to some classy treats via Cannelle Detroit or from nationally recognized Dearborn bakery Shatila or some creative bite-size flavor bombs via Bon Bon Bon. Looking to keep it simple? Look no further than Detroit’s beloved Dutch Girl Donuts. If ice cream is your bag, peep our list of essential ice cream shops in the area. If you think ice cream and donuts are for amateurs, here’s our list outrageous desserts around town. Now would be a good time to schedule a dental appointment, you know, just to be safe.

Photo via Garriado’s Bistro & Bakery/Facebook

Buy a damn book and actually read the damn thing

Don’t worry. You’re not alone. We have mountains of half-read books and stacks of “oh, I’ve been meaning to read those,” too. So, how about you take some time out of an afternoon and lose yourself in the labyrinthian John K. King Rare and Used Books or literally any one of metro Detroit’s many independent bookstores that are keeping our brains fed during the pandemic? Remember, read responsibly.

Photo via Literati/Facebook

Stay up late to catch a double feature at the Ford Wyoming Drive-in

10400 Ford Rd., Dearborn; 313-846-6910; forddrivein.com
Thank bloody hell for metro Detroit’s drive-in theaters, which are saving us from our quarantine doldrums. You’ve got the classic option, Dearborn’s 70-year-old Ford-Wyoming Drive-in, which screens affordable double features all week long. But they’re not the only ones doing god’s work. Take Cinema Detroit, for example. The tiny indie theater has been offering unique — and dare we say, timely — at-home screenings with the option to snag some contactless concessions. Yeah, obviously, we realize that movie theaters are currently operating in Michigan but with strict COVID-19 protocols, is there anything safer than watching a movie from your car or in bed with some piping hot popcorn? We think not.

Photo by Austin Evans Eighmey

Go ice skating because why the fuck not?

Listen — we know it might seem corny but ice skating just feels good as long as you don’t expect to be able to do a triple-axle when you hit the ice. Not only is it a super physical activity — and a perfect way to spice up leg day — but it’s also a lesson in humility because we’re guessing you might just slip — and that’s fucking fine. That’s why The Rink at Campus Martius is the ideal place to get a bit of skate time in while putting your ass smack dab in the middle of Downtown Detroit where you might just be able to knock a few more sober activities off your list. Multi-tasking, baby.

Photo via Downtown Detroit Partnership/Facebook

Attend a virtual AA or NA meeting because you’re not in this alone

A sober journey does not have to be a lonely one. We realize the world has been tipped upside down and that absolutely challenges every sober thought one must have. There’s help for that. Not only are metro Detroit’s Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous offering virtual meetings to make sure everyone who needs support has it from the comfort of their own homes, but Community Care Services also offers virtual counseling aimed at addiction and those seeking recovery. For what it’s worth, we’re totally proud of you. You got this.

Photo via Shutterstock.com