A: To do what? My first suggestion would be to find a more congenial, not to say romantic, trysting place than the women's toilet. Secondly, if eating foodstuffs out of one another's body crevices is your thing, have you thought of something cooling, like yogurt, for a change of pace? Lastly, with or without your husband's knowledge or participation, same-sex affairs at work carry with them the same dangers that mixed-sex ones do — you will probably get caught and one or both of you is likely to lose her job.
Q: I have known Jane for almost 20 years. She is a single, childless, successful but overworked professional in her 40s, suffering from job burnout. In the time I have known her, she has been in two relationships, one that lasted several years and one that was essentially a fling. She does not discuss sex in any way, shape or form. She is attractive, overweight and athletic. She is very self-conscious about her weight and has a negative body image, although she certainly isn't obese. She has always been a bit of a curmudgeon, but over the last few years has grown increasingly unhappy to the point of bitterness, mostly due to being single, childless and lonely. A number of people have tried to set her up on dates, suggested dating services or offered to accompany her to different singles events. I have suggested she might try therapy to come to terms with being single and learn to enjoy life regardless of her relationship status. I’ve also recommended she becoming a single mother. I’ve also tried to get her to realize that being married and having children are not the keys to happiness. Although she has talked for years about taking steps to improve her personal and professional life, she continues to do nothing. I suspect, based on what I know about her, about close relationships with women who were victims of rape or incest and by my own limited research, that she is a victim of sexual assault, and that this is the real key to her unhappiness. I frankly don't know how to broach the topic — or if I should. Regardless of whether she is or isn't a victim of sexual assault, I care about her and am worried about her, but don't know what to do and am finding it difficult to continue being her friend due to her extreme and increasing negativity. Any suggestions how to deal with this friendship and how to try to help her?
A: You will be risking the friendship by telling it like it is, but since you're considering ending it anyway, there is much to be gained by daring. "Jane, you know I care about you. Over the years of our friendship I have noticed ... ." Whether or not there is a sexual assault in her background (and I would not, were I you, offer this as your guess), it would not be the cause of her unhappiness. Her continuing refusal to take steps to improve her life is.
Q: If women are as horny as men well into their senior years — and I'd like to believe they are — how can they be encouraged to let us men know that they would like to be eaten and made love to? I love going down on women and even the slightest flirting or encouragement would cause me to go down on many women. I'd love it if you can suggest how they could signal their interest in such activity?
A: How about something plain and simple, such as an enthusiastic "yes" when asked to bed? See, the thing is the majority of women of a certain age, in fact, the majority of women, I believe, have sexual desires which are more specific — that is, for sex with that particular man whom they know and like, rather than just for generic sexual activities with the wielder of a generic penis or tongue. Hang out with women, have fun, dance, laugh, see who responds to you as a person. Among those who do you will find a larger proportion of senior women who would enjoy having sex with you too. Isadora Alman is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her via this paper or [email protected]. Her Sexuality Forum is at