Loving the older woman

Q: I am 62 years old, very fit, clean, healthy and safe. I own my own home, am retired and financially secure. I belong to a few social clubs but have not been able to find or meet very many sexually attractive women. I wish there were a gentleman's club where I could go and get laid without having to go through all the bullshit of trying to romance a woman into the bedroom. I don't like to pick up prostitutes because of the law and STDs. It seems like women don't have these problems. The ones I meet all seem to want a platonic relationship and I just want to get laid. I'll lose it if I don't use it.

A: Some women want to get laid too and anyone establishing a discrete gentlewomen's club will also make a mint. But most women want sex with a particular person and are turned off by anyone who just wants access to their parts. A vital, attractive and interesting man (I'll take your word for it) will have a much better chance of getting laid where women go on vacation (a cruise, a spa). Polish up your social skills, particularly ballroom dancing, and go where well-kept older women go to relax. You could be part of the unofficial program.

Q: I am a 43-year-old single bisexual woman with no children. Am I too old to seek out a "best friend"? Because of lack of social skills and opportunities, I grew up without one. Most of my adult relationships have been transitory and superficial. The rest have been painful and difficult. I have been in therapy for years but now I find it's no substitute for a genuine, mutual relationship.

A: Looking around my own life I find that most of my best friends, women and men, have been in my life since my 30s — that's more than 20 years. Other meaningful friends I have met more recently have come through various sources — a professional interview, an online flirtation, an acquaintance's dinner party. Is it too late for you? Of course not. But there are skills involved in making friends and the more people you know and things you belong to (not just attend occasionally) the more potential friends you are likely to meet. Look into joining some ongoing regular thing populated by the type of person you might like as a friend and then start asking people how they hooked up with their friends and what attracted them in the first place. It is not only an excellent way to begin conversations but you will gain some valuable insight too.

Q: Maybe you should reconsider your position on not prying into a spouse's porn habits too much, especially when they might be looking at kiddie porn. I had no idea that was the kind of stuff that caught my spouse's returning interest. There may be nothing about marriage that stipulates the sharing of fantasies, but how about when they could potentially cause future harm to offspring? It's nice to be open-minded and trusting, and that's what I wanted to be, until I kept seeing pictures of half-clothed adolescent girls being surfed. Maybe you could clarify, for all of us sex-positive types who are wondering, what exactly constitutes child porn on the Internet? Does it have to include penetration? Is it only kids under age 10? If adult men regularly surf for nude pictures of 10- to 15-year-old girls, does it make them pedophiles? Does an Internet habit necessarily point towards dangerous pedophilia? What is really dangerous and what isn't?

A: There are legal answers to some of your questions, like what constitutes a sexual act and who exactly is considered a child in each state or country. There are certain generalities about pedophiles (loners lacking social skills), but that sort of profiling paints with a very broad brush and does not indicate anything about the predilections of a particular person. There are no definitive psychological answers such as who is likely to act out on his fantasies. You will have to make up your own mind about trusting your husband based, not only on his pornography viewing, but on his behavior with adult women and young family members and friends.

Q: I like anal sex with women. Does this mean I have homosexual tendencies?

A: You have no idea how often I get asked this question and I'm always puzzled about the thinking behind it. Do you believe that only gay men take pleasure in their asses? (Many don't; many straight ones do.) Do you believe that anal sex is intrinsically a homosexual act no matter who does it to whom? That doesn't make sense since there are no homosexual acts between heterosexual people. To answer your particular question: If you are a woman, yes. If you're a male, not at all. If you are a male who likes to perform anal sex on women with tiny little tushies who look so much like boys it's difficult to tell the difference in the light of day, maybe. Isadora Alman is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her via this paper or [email protected]. Her Sexuality Forum is at

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