Dubious achievement awards 2004 – January
“You want fries with that, you pouch-bellied fat fuck?” Some wiseass with a sense of humor, and a talent for stealing airwaves, hassles customers and management at a Troy Burger King by taking over as the voice of the drive-through squawk box. He tells people they’re too fat to be asking for a Whopper, cusses…
For the love of brown what?
Grandma Fay Nicoson Campbell left behind a true rarity — two actually, one rarer than the other. And both arose as part of a Depression-era moneymaking scheme — two actually, one on the part of my grandmother. The first is the Junior model of the Brown Bobby doughnut-maker, manufactured by the now-defunct Food Display Machine…
Dubious achievement awards 2004 – February
So what kind of gratification was it? Shock rocker Marilyn Manson and a shocked and rocked security guard settle their dispute out of court. Manson was originally charged with fourth-degree criminal sexual conduct for backstage antics back in 2001 at Pine Knob (now DTE Energy Theatre) in Clarkston. Seems Manson, dressed only in a leather…
Best (and worst) music of 2004
There’s absolutely no way to compartmentalize the way we ingest music, right? So, for this — the obligatory year-end crapola — we got most of our music writers yakkin’ and jerkin’ it to whatever blew their skirts up this year: singles, downloads, boots, CDs, reissues, music books, DVDs, live shows and whatever. And, for giggles,…
The year in reviews
Jeff Meyers: Best romantic comedy that was neither romantic nor comedic: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind I’ve never been a fan of Jim Carrey. His manic, over-the-top preening and elastic-faced wackiness tend to leave me annoyed or exhausted, and his occasional forays into “serious” films like The Truman Show or The Majestic have always…
Head cheese
It’s no shit that DJ Jazzy Jeff is rap vet. In fact, he’s contributed more to hip-hop culture than his Fresh Prince sidecar stint would ever have you believing. Now on London’s respected BBE label, Jazz, whose career arches back to the late 1970s, has recently enjoyed a resurgence in popularity around the globe. Besides…
Dubious achievement awards 2004 – May
Can I buy a vowel? How ’bout we change the city’s motto to “Teamwork,” since there’s no “I” in Detroit — at least, according to Hart Plaza’s marquee on Movement weekend. Yes, nothing screams “attention to detail” like 12-inch-tall letters spelling out “DETROT’S ELECTRONIC MUSIC FESTIVAL.” But, hey, you glass-half-full city boosters, they got the…
This is the modern world
Walk into Primitive Vintage, the Ann Arbor-based retro clothing and knickknack store owned by husband and wife bandmates Ryan and Casey Dawson. The first thing you’ll find amid the assortment of pinstriped pants and bull’s-eye T-shirts is that it feels as though you’ve just been transported back in time. Ryan sits behind the counter playing…
Dubious achievement awards 2004 – July
Jail Guitar Doors: Circuit Judge Edward Servitto sentences Kimberly Mathers, the ex-wife of rapper Eminem, to one year in Macomb County Jail and subsequent drug rehabilitation because she left a drug treatment program without permission. The judge also issues a stern warning that prison awaits her if she doesn’t finish rehab. We feel for Kim…
N&D Center
Wednesday • 5 Driving Miss Daisy THEATER Set against the changing American South, Driving Miss Daisy, the Pulitzer Prize-winning play that became an Academy Award-winning movie, is an important part of America’s literary history. Written by Alfred Uhry, the play examines the strange but beautiful relationship between an elderly Jewish woman living in the South…
Dubious achievement awards 2004 – August
Freep sleep: The Detroit Free Press gets caught behaving like the sleeping student who raises a hand to answer a question, only to realize that the class figured it out while he was dozin’. Some bright Freep mind writes an editorial reiterating the claim of Bush-Cheney national chairman Mark Racicot that presidential candidate John Kerry’s…
Screen hogs
With advances in technology and the wide availability of digital cameras, these days it seems like everyone with a camera wants to be the next Kubrick. But regardless of one’s vision or creativity, it’s difficult to make waves in the filmmaking biz without being schooled in the trade. For aspiring filmmakers in the metropolitan area,…
Dubious achievement awards 2004 – October
Gridiron Edsels: The Detroit Lions begin their season going 3-1. Some of the kids start to get excited, but veteran fans caution that this is a team that’s destined to dash hopes. Sure enough, the wheels start coming off this sporty incarnation of Mr. Ford’s Edsel by mid-month when the Green Bay Packers get back…
Metro Times’ new awards show; the Blowout takes flight
OK, we know full well that when the subject of a music awards event comes up people often do one of two things: shrug with an exhale of bored indifference, or puke. We’ve been known to do both. And we’re sick and tired of the spine-crushing inertia and boring elitism associated with such events. So,…
Dubious achievement awards 2004 – September
Static Shock: So much for midseason relief and new resolve. When the league takes a month off for the 2004 Summer Olympics, the reigning 2003 WNBA champion Detroit Shock manage to return to the hard court the same so-so team they’d sadly become before the games in Athens. The Phoenix Mercury remind the ladies, with…
Comics
This Modern World Red Meat Comix
Dubious achievement awards 2004 – December
Fireworks fallout: Just two months after charges against Daron Caldwell are dropped, he hits the City of Detroit, Police Chief Ella Bully-Cummings and 17 cops with a $100 million lawsuit connected to the shootings at the International Fireworks Festival this summer. Caldwell spent 99 days in jail. In his lawsuit, he accuses members of the…
Letters to the Editor
Detroit has money to burn? Re: Lisa Collins’ report on the dire finances of the city of Detroit (“Detroit faces massive layoffs in 2005,” Metro Times, Dec. 22, 2004), it would help if the city shut down its trash incinerator located at I-75 and I-94. As the largest incinerator in the United States, it not…
Dubious achievement awards 2004 – April
Jerkin’ chain in West Bloomfield: Are you a suburban pubescent tired of dreaming about knocking off party stores or how to score a $20 bag of meth so you can spend hours downloading free Jenna Jameson butt streams off the Internet? Try donning a fake orange prison jumpsuit with the words “Oakland County Jail” on…
Voices of youf
Someone close to Detroit’s mayor (Christine Beatty?) should tell him that the word “truth” doesn’t end in an “F” — and that’s the troof. Neither does youth, with, teeth, death, health, wealth, booth or any of the other mispronounced words so commonly heard from those either without the education to know the difference or the…
Dubious achievement awards 2004 – June
What a dump: The administration of Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who early on vowed to knock down 5,000 abandoned buildings in eight months, sets a 20-year low for demolishing such dangerous eyesores. As a result of the snail’s pace progress, Plymouth philanthropist Robert Thompson withholds a promised $10 million gift, saying the city’s demolition budget is…
Freshening up your Italian
A modest place in a suburban strip mall, it doesn’t have the most extensive menu, or the cheapest prices, but what’s there is very good.These classic dishes can be found in most Italian eateries, but here they are just a little bit better. Ravioli, made fresh daily, is served with a bright orange palomino sauce…
Surreal life
Old rebels never die, they, well … just stick up Toys “R” Us stores. Allen Van Newkirk, who played a seminal role in the 1960s radical and experimental cultural scene in Detroit, was arrested following a Dec. 12 robbery and subsequent shoot-out with Mounties in a Vancouver, British Columbia, suburb. According to Constable Dave Babineau,…
Dubious achievement awards 2004 – March
Kindergarten Kouncil: While arguing over the fate of a proposed ordinance regulating topless bars, Kay Everett threatens to “go East Side” on fellow Detroit City Councilmember Sharon McPhail, who responds with the time-tested schoolyard taunt, “Ooh, I’m scared.” All part of a yearlong parade of high jinks from a council populated by more than its…
On bedside manners
Q: Being one of those poor uninsured types, I went to the Haight Ashbury Free Clinic in San Francisco to get some stuff in my throat checked out. I described my problems — weird tonsil spots and a lump in the back of my throat — to the evening’s practitioner and said that I had…
Dubious achievement awards 2004 – November
Watchin’ the watchers: Republican poll-watchers clashing with Detroit voters stop just short of engaging in brawls and fistfights at the polls. People on both sides claim they’re wrongfully harassed. The Detroit Branch of the NAACP received more than 35 complaints from people saying they were hassled by the GOP’s poll watchers. Poll-watchers allege that they’re…
Free Will Astrology
ARIES (March 21-April 19): You will probably have to reiterate an old argument this week; you’ll have to return to a familiar problem and reprise a good fight you’ve fought before. For best results, don’t betray any peeved impatience. Act as if you’re offering your reasonable appeal for the very first time. On behalf of…
Facing the next four years
Two months ago, George W. Bush, a man I believe to be the worst president this nation has had in two centuries, was re-elected. The result was much closer than commonly portrayed these days, but it was clear. We can’t blame the turnout. Sixty percent of Americans trooped to the polls, and a record number…
Art Bar
The fabulous 4731 Gallery will present the opening reception of Looking Towards the Future: New Works by the Artists of 4731 on Friday, Jan. 7 from 6-10 p.m. 4731 is a recent addition to the Detroit gallery scene, a beautifully refurbished warehouse offering both exhibition and studio space to young and up-and-coming artists. The group…
Dubious achievement awards 2004
What a year it was. From the grandiose to the trifling, dubious achievements proliferated. With Kwame Kilpatrick as the ringmaster and City Council as a sideshow, the constant circus of Detroit politics ensured there would be no shortage of Doobies being handed out in what has become an annual tradition here at Metro Times. But…
