It’s that time of the year again, when we gaze back and reflect upon the horrors of another year. 2021 was notable for starting with a bang. Thankfully, it was all up from there, but the bar was so low it was in hell. Without further ado, this year’s winners, we mean losers, are…  Illustration by John Kerschbaum
The deplorables: The armed hillbillies storming Lansing last year over Gov. Gretchen Whitmer’s COVID-19’s policies were apparently a dress rehearsal for what would happen on Jan. 6. Unsurprisingly, there was a strong Michigan presence at the U.S. Capitol, including Michael Joseph Foy, a Wixom man who used a hockey stick to attack police (while wearing an American flag as a cape). At least 13 people from Michigan have been charged for their connection to the insurrection, and Rashida Tlaib was right — we impeached the motherfucker (again), but Congressional Republicans were too cowardly to do anything about it. Photo via FBI
Hydroxychloroquine: Remember this drug? Neither do we. Touted by ex-President Donald Trump as a miracle cure for COVID-19, Michigan’s Henry Ford Health System was heading one of the largest trials in the world to see if it worked, but the study was quietly abandoned when it couldn’t find enough willing test subjects. (You know what does work? The vaccines.) Photo via Shutterstock
Rick Snyder: The former governor and eight others are charged for their roles in the Flint water crisis, though some say the penalty doesn’t go far enough, including former mayor Karen Weaver. For Snyder, he faces up to one year in jail and a $1,000 fine on two counts of willful neglect of duty, a light sentence considering an entire city was poisoned. Photo via Genesee County Jail
Michigan’s hate groups: The Southern Poverty Law Center identifies 25 hate groups in Michigan. We hate this. Photo by Johnny Silvercloud / Shutterstock.com
State Sen. Mike Shirkey: Like other Republicans, Michigan’s state Senate Leader says he believed Jan. 6 was a “hoax” staged by Trump’s opponents — despite the fact that Trump literally held a rally that day where he asked his supporters to attack the Capitol. Cognitive dissonance is a hell of a drug… Photo via Michigan Senate Photo Wire
Sterling Heights PD: An unnamed Sterling Heights cop is placed on unpaid administrative leave after posting a meme on his Facebook page showing former Minneapolis Police Officer Derek Chauvin kneeling on the neck of George Floyd below the words, “when you gotta change a tire but dont wanna get your trousers dirty.” This is why people want to defund you. Photo via Shutterstock
Salvador Salort-Pons: Attorneys from Washington, D.C.-based firm Crowell and Moring, hired by the Detroit Institute of Arts last year to conduct an investigation following allegations of a toxic workplace, say the museum’s director presided over an “autocratic” culture at the museum that stifled dissent with retaliation and resulted in women quitting at higher rates than their male counterparts. The DIA says it has hired a firm to help with diversity and inclusion and pledges to do better. Photo via EQRoy / Shutterstock.com
Delta Air Lines: Hundreds of workers at DTW lose their jobs, despite Delta taking billions of dollars in federal pandemic aid. Photo via Unite Here
The Caucus Club: Detroit’s long-standing upscale restaurant makes national headlines for posting a reminder that it has a business attire dress code, while also complaining of customers that smell like weed. To that we say: have you ever eaten a steak while high? Don’t knock it until you try it. Courtesy photo
Van Gogh vultures: Dueling exhibitions dedicated to the iconic artist tour the country, causing confusion — forgive us for not being able to keep “Immersive Van Gogh Exhibit Detroit” and “Beyond Van Gogh: An Immersive Experience” straight — and profiting off of a tortured artist who allegedly never sold a painting in his life. Both exhibitions were panned by critics as being mere selfie museums. Courtesy photo
Ted Nugent: The Motor City Madman admits he got COVID-19 after performing at a Florida grocery store that boasted having an anti-mask policy. We don’t have a punchline, as usual the Nuge writes it himself. Photo via Shutterstock
Gov. Gretchen Whitmer: We love Big Gretch, but a trip to Florida to visit her father — after telling Michiganders specifically not to go on spring break there to avoid spreading COVID-19 — becomes a weeks-long PR disaster as Whitmer is less than forthcoming in the transparency department. Her team claims the trip was kept a secret for safety reasons, considering that whole FBI-thwarted plot to kidnap her, but like… we’re 20 years into being forced to take off our shoes at airports due to terrorist threats. Courtesy photo
Detroit City Council: Councilman Gabe Leland resigns after pleading guilty to accepting a campaign contribution in cash. In the months that follow, Councilman Andre Spivey resigns after pleading guilty to conspiracy to commit bribery, while Councilmembers Scott Benson and Janeé Ayers are investigated by the FBI as part of “Operation Northern Hook,” a probe into corrupt connections to the towing industry. The probe has ensnared at least four current or former Detroit cops, while six others were sentenced as part of a separate towing scandal. That’s… a lot of towing scandals for a shrinking city that should have no shortage of places to park, we think! Courtesy photo
Meshawn Maddock: Michigan Republican Party co-chair says Michigan should follow England’s lead and do a “Brexit,” or a “MIexit” if you will. We think it’s Maddock who should leave. Photo by Brice Tucker
Enbridge: The Canadian oil company defies Michigan’s order to shut down its aging Great Lakes oil and gas pipeline, which Whitmer’s office calls a “ticking time bomb.” The case now heads to the courts — all while Enbridge continues to pump petrochemicals though our beautiful water. Photo via National Wildlife Federation
Main Art Theatre’s landlord: Royal Oak’s long-standing indie theatre abruptly shuts down, with the message “Landlord kicked us out” on its marquee. Paul Glantz, who owns the next-door Emagine cinema complex, shows no interest in acquiring the 80-year-old theater, ending an era. Photo by Lee DeVito Credit: Lee DeVito
James Greggs: An Ann Arbor man is charged for violently assaulting a transgender woman — during pride month, no less. Photo via Shutterstock
Mayor Mike Duggan: For months, the Mayor battles allegations that he was having an extramarital affair with Dr. Sonia Hassan, the leader of a prenatal health nonprofit that Duggan was accused of granting preferential treatment. In June, the two get engaged to be married… and nobody seems to care. Love wins, we guess. May they live happily ever after. Photo via Make Your Date
Janice Winfrey: Detroit’s City Clerk is criticized for reducing ballot drop boxes ahead of the primary, and takes more heat for signs that had the incorrect polling information on them, including the wrong hours of operation. Despite the flubs, Winfrey wins reelection in November. Courtesy photo
The FBI: A Justice Department report finds that the FBI severely mishandled the investigation into former MSU doctor Larry Nassar by failing to respond to the allegations “with the utmost seriousness and urgency that they deserved and required, made numerous and fundamental errors when they did respond to them, and violated multiple FBI policies.” Nassar was sentenced for sexually abusing hundreds of women. Photo via Shutterstock
Michigan’s GOP-controlled legislature: State Republicans vote to repeal the 1945 Emergency Powers of Governor Act, which Whitmer had used to implement COVID-19 policies. The state’s health department would later re-implement many of them later using separate laws enacted in response to the 1918 Flu, however. Photo via Shutterstock
Dave Chappelle: The Comedian films his Netflix special The Closer over the course of seven sold-out shows at Detroit’s Fillmore, igniting controversy for his callous statements about transgender people — just miles down Woodward Avenue from Palmer Park, where several transgender and gender-nonconforming people have been killed in the past decade. Courtesy photo
Paul and Beth Werking: A judge orders these Grand Haven parents to pay $45,000 after they destroyed their son’s porn collection, which included titles like Granny’s Gone Anal discs 1-7, Muffy the Vampire Layer, and The 69th Sense. Different strokes for different folks… Photo via Shutterstock
Greektown brawler: An unnamed Detroit cop resigns after getting caught on video fighting revelers in Detroit’s party district — just days after graduating from the police academy. Photo by se7enfifteen
Laughing hyena: A Detroit woman goes viral after claiming on social media that she was given a puppy that later turned out to actually be a hyena. Multiple outlets took the story and ran with it, including WXYZ, which later rescinded its story after Metro Times started asking the woman tough questions, like, “Can you please show us your alleged hyena?” Courtesy photo
Matty Moroun: The billionaire owner of the Ambassador Bridge builds a fence through Detroit burger spot Green Dot Stables’ parking lot after finding out he technically owned a slice of the property. A judge ordered the fence to come down just days later, and the two parties eventually settled out of court when Green Dot simply purchased the disputed land. Photo by Jerilyn Jordan
James Craig: The former DPD chief launches his campaign for the Republican candidate for governor on Belle Isle, but is quickly overtaken by police brutality protesters who drive him off the island. How does Craig not understand how to run security? Oh, maybe it’s because he never actually got a law enforcement license in Detroit. Photo by Marc Klockow
Sara Aldridge: A dispute between arts organization 1xRun and Aldridge, who DJs as Nothing Elegant, goes public after it’s revealed that Aldridge had been sentenced to two years of probation after being charged with allegedly embezzling more than $50,000 from the arts organization while working as its business manager. Courtesy photo
Jackson Carman: The Cincinnati Bengals guard tweeted “Would not recommend eating Moms spaghetti when you visit Detroit” after reportedly vomiting on Ford Field. Did he get sick at Eminem’s new 8 Mile-themed restaurant, Mom’s Spaghetti? Apparently it was just a joke that didn’t land. “FYI: I did not actually try the Moms Spaghetti Restaurant while I was in Detroit, I was referencing the @Eminem song lyrics,” he tweeted the next day. We’re guessing Em’s lawyers didn’t find it amusing. Photo by Joe Maroon
Betsy DeVos: Michigan’s billionaire former Education Secretary is allegedly among those duped by Silicon Valley figure Elizabeth Holmes, who is on trial for defrauding investors through her revolutionary blood-testing company Theranos. (The only problem is the technology never existed.) During the trial, it’s revealed that the DeVos family was apparently so wowed by Holmes’ pitch that they never bothered to do any due diligence, and forked over $100 million. Courtesy photo
Ryan Lee Ahern: A Rochester Hills man is arrested for breaking a window at the Ahmadiyya Muslim Community Center with a hammer, but officials say it’s not a hate crime. OK, so it’s normal for a 33-year-old white guy to vandalize a mosque, then? Photo via Oakland County Sheriff’s Office, Ahmadiyya Muslim Community Center
Kanye West: Ye takes to the Drink Champs podcast to publicly distance himself from Detroit rapper Big Sean, who announced a split from West’s G.O.O.D. Music a week earlier. On the podcast, West says that signing Sean was “the worst thing he’s ever done.” Later, Big Sean joined the podcast to dish it back, calling West’s rant “some bitch ass shit.” Photo by Doug Coombe
Dana Nessel: Michigan’s attorney general publicly apologizes for being visibly drunk at the big MSU-UM football game after apparently downing one too many Bloody Marys, apparently getting so intoxicated that she needed to be carted off in a wheelchair. Who among us hasn’t been completely wasted at a college football game, though? Courtesy photo
Brass Against: The Rage Against the Machine cover band lands in hot water after frontwoman Sophia Urista, of Detroit, urinates on a fan’s face during the show. We’re honestly impressed by her ability to multitask. Screengrab/YouTube, user Clever YouTube Channel Name
The Myanmar junta: Myanmar’s military-led government, which overtook the county in a bloody coup earlier this year, sentences Michigan-born journalist Danny Fenster to hard labor as part of a crackdown on “fake news,” aka Trump’s wet dream. It’s just sword-rattling, though: the next day they release Fenster to diplomat Bill Richardson, and he returns to his family in Huntington Woods. Welcome home, Danny. Photo by Kelley O’Neill
Kellogg: The Battle Creek-based cereal company threatens to replace 1,400 workers who have been on strike since October with scabs, resulting in a digital mob spamming its website out of spite. (Solidarity forever!) The company and the workers eventually agree on a deal after more than two months. Photo via Shutterstock
Wendy Wein: It’s revealed that a Rockwood woman was arrested and faces nine years in prison for allegedly trying to kill her ex-husband by using a service called “Rent-A-Hitman,” a fake website that passes along information to law enforcement. Despite expressing skepticism over the website not being on the “dark web,” she later agreed to meet a Michigan State Police officer in a parking lot, where she allegedly offered a $200 down payment. Photo via Michigan State Police
Michigan Poison Control: The Michigan Poison & Drug Information Center at Wayne State University warns that marijuana could be laced with the deadly fentanyl, despite the fact that no such cases have actually been confirmed. The widely circulated and repeatedly debunked claim (thanks, Snopes) doesn’t make a lick of sense once you think about it: fentanyl is far more expensive than pot. Photo via Shutterstock
Matthew Walther: The Atlantic publishes a piece by a conservative commentator who boasts that where he lives (somewhere in western Michigan), people just don’t give a shit about COVID-19, despite the fact that the article is published as Michigan is the top hotspot for the virus in the nation. We wouldn’t wish COVID-19 on anyone, but the highly contagious omicron variant is spreading like wildfire. Walther is all but begging to be nominated for Reddit’s Herman Cain Award next year. Photo via Shutterstock

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