Never have we related to something more than when Blink-182’s Tom DeLonge wails “Where are you?” on the band’s 2003 emo ballad “Miss You” because, well, dammit, we miss life B.C. — life before coronavirus. Simple pleasures and grievances all make our list of things we miss as we wait out this pandemic. Hopefully, all of these things and more will return to our agendas as soon as we get the green light to leave the house. For now, though, let’s get nostalgic about life from three weeks ago.

Everyone being irrationally mad at scooters (and lowkey riding them) When e-scooters first appeared on Detroit’s landscape in the summer of 2018, people lost their dang minds. While some view them as a convenient way to zip around town, others curse their very existence and relish every time one is found disabled, discarded, or destroyed on the side of the road. We miss the near collisions and tired complaints just as much as we miss trying to fit two people on one scooter, because life before corona was about having no rules. We miss that. Photo by Lee DeVito
Experiencing multi-faceted heartbreak thanks to Detroit sports Each year, we do it to ourselves. We slap on face paint, a foam finger, and our favorite jersey and we go all in on Detroit sports — even after we’ve suffered years of heartbreak because, well, their track records haven’t done much to inspire hope. But we miss having to choose between one losing team or three because, well, we miss being able to make a choice. Stevie Ansara/Detroit Stock City
Working remotely someplace other than your kitchen table Before quarantine life, working from home was the goddamn American dream. Roll out of bed, grab some coffee, put on the entire first season of The Office on in the background, and log on. But after a few weeks of this shit — the sweat pants, the endless Zoom conference calls, and struggling to leave our bed because holy shit this is depressing — we miss being able to work remotely from somewhere other than home, you know, with our kids and significant others lurking about. (Get us out of here!) Photo by Nicole Rupersburg/Courtesy of DIA
Smelling countless jars of weed at the dispensary like a true ganja snob We’ve all done it — walked into a dispensary wearing a top hat and monocle and when asked by the budtender what we’d like to see, we just start pointing to jar after jar, smelling each one pretending like we can smell the pine notes or hints of dank. Sure, the marijuana industry has been deemed “essential” during the quarantine due to its medicinal properties and stores are still open, but it’s only curbside pickup and delivery for now. Photo by Steve Neavling
Celebrating Detroit’s wonderfully weird traditions like Marche du Nain Rouge It happened in an instant. First, a concert at Little Caesars Arena announced its postponement, then another, then everything began collapsing and before we knew it, everything we’ve come to look forward to year after year was being ripped from our hands, including all of Detroit’s weird and wonderful traditions: namely Marche du Nain Rouge. Don’t worry, Detroit. We will run that little red MF’er out of the city once and for all, you know, next year. (Or support him, if that’s your thing.) Photo by Steven Pham
Going to Two James Spirits for booze and not hand sanitizer We love that the city has come together in a time of need, like, using precious and delicious alcohol to make free hand sanitizer in an effort to combat COVID-19. But we have to say, we absolutely miss going to Detroit distilleries and chasing the green fairy after a Two James absinthe flight, and not waiting in line for free end of the world rations. Photo via Two James Spirits/Facebook
Driving in I-75 construction and complaining about it to our co-workers Misery loves company which, thanks to Michigan’s never-ending construction efforts, gives us a lot to be miserable about, specifically that on major highway I-75. Not only do we sort of miss getting stuck in traffic because the more time in traffic means the less time enduring Karen from HR’s very intimate medical complaints, but we miss being able to rant about our one binding commonality. Photo via Screen grab/YouTube
Eating grilled chicken with our hands from Taqueria El Ray (and not worrying about where they’ve been) One of the greatest culinary pleasures in Southwest Detroit, as there are many, is ordering a half of a grilled chicken from Taqueria El Ray. Something we’ve taken for granted, however, is tearing that bird apart with our nasty little fingers and giving zero fucks about washing them. Ah, yes. The simple pleasures. Photo by Tom Perkins
Picking out our most outrageous music festival looks Some people spend months picking out the outfit for the most important day of their lives. And no, we’re not talking about a wedding, you sap. We’re talking about festival season. Whether you’re a Movement raver who opts for a neon, see-through cowgirl geisha vibe or a Mo Pop Festival IG thot lewk (don’t forget your flower crowns, haux!) we miss having an excuse to assemble the perfect fit that would have Tim Gunn’s head spinning. Photo by Dontae Rockymore>
Getting our asses to Belle Isle beach giving zero fucks that it’s not even close to summer yet Michigan is forced to suffer through, basically, a half year of bullshit weather (why do we live here again?) which makes us downright ornery and beach thirsty. This might explain why we get our asses to Belle Isle beach the minute we see sun and justify ditching our Carhartt winter wardrobe. Photo by Hannah Ervin/Detroit Stock City>
Drooling on the display cases as Cannelle Patisserie A trip to Matt Knio’s French-inspired Cannelle Patisserie is like getting your passport stamped. It’s like the Louvre of beautifully colored and totally precious sponges, macarons, and tarts. Not only do they taste great, but they’re major Instagram Like bait. Photo courtesy of Cannelle Patisserie by Matt Knio>
Human touch, you know, like massages from Meta Physica Wellness Center or sweating with strangers at The Schvitz Not to get too heavy, but we will all have to overcome a shared trauma of human touch after this shit is over. But a great way to confront that is getting a seriously therapeutic rub-down. Not ready for that? How about sweating it out with strangers at a sauna or steam room? Another act of trust, but one that feels oh so good. Photo via Meta Physica Wellness Center/Facebook
Worrying about rising rents, rather than worrying about not being able to pay rent This ain’t just about gentrification anymore. This is about survival. Tough times like these mean not worrying so much about whether your landlord of your shabby chic, er, totally run-down apartment building near New Center is going to raise your rent because a new high-end leather goods store just moved into the neighborhood, but if you’re going to be able to make rent at all. Photo by Steve Neavling
Enduring long wait times to get our brunch on at Rose’s Fine Food because it’s worth it Listen — we Detroiters love to complain. But not as much as we love a good brunch, which is why we find ourselves longing for the days of long lines and wait times to squeeze into our favorite brunch spot, like Rose’s Fine Foods or The Clique. Trust us — home brunching is not the same. Photo by Jerilyn Jordan
Dancing until morning at Marble Bar If you’re like us, you’re losing track of which day of the week it is. Weekends blend into Monday and Fridays mean nothing. What we miss is losing track of time — and maybe our keys — at clubs like Marble Bar where dancing the night, er, morning away is the 9-5 escape we so desire. Photo via Marble Bar/Facebook
Play Independence Day pinball instead of, you know, waiting for the world to end IRL Greasy pizza hands? Check. A roll of dirty-ass quarters? Check. The desire to destroy your friends in some pinball? Let’s get it. Sure we’ve been playing our fair share of video games at home but nothing beats beating a stranger’s high-score on The Simpsons arcade game or racing to Jurassic Park pinball, because if this quarantine has taught us anything it’s that, life, uh, finds a way. Photo via Pop OffWorld/Facebook
Spend hours buying books we will never read because we’re too busy — but love the thrill of the find Decluttering expert Marie Kondo thinks no one household should have more than 30 books. We call bullshit. While in isolation, we’ve been making a serious dent in our 30+ book collection that has taken years of curating and well, not reading. But not having time to crack open a good read has never stopped us from spending way too long in John King’s Used and Rare Books, or finding the latest from a Detroit author at Pages Book Shop or Source Booksellers. Let’s just say, we cannot wait to close the book on this chapter. Photo via Pages Book Shop/Facebook
Filling our camera roll with the perfect blacklight selfie at Deluxx Fluxx Right now, our iPhone camera roll is a sad document of life in isolation: bored dog pics, photos of unattractive food we threw together, and screenshots of sweatsuits we look forward to owning. What we’re really craving is that strong selfie game. Specifically, 90 attempts at nailing the perfect blacklight selfie at Deluxx Fluxx, because it takes real skill to not look like an iron-deficient alien with glowing teeth. Photo via Deluxx Fluxx/Facebook
Watching movies on the big screen — sticky floors and all Because of COVID-19 we’ve been forced to watch and stream everything on our humble home theater setup. Long gone are the days of holding our Mega Gulp soda pop pee until the right spot to duck out, or smuggling a bottle of wine in your tote bag like a total rule-breaking boss. We also miss supporting local theaters known for screening hot indie flicks like Cinema Detroit and Hamtramck’s Film Lab. We also miss watching classic films like The Matrix at spots like the Senate or the historic Redford Theatre. To quote a great man, “We’ll be back.” Photo courtesy of Cinema Detroit
Caffeinate for as long as we damn well please Pick your poison: Ashe, Astro, Avalon, New Way, Populace, New Order, Great Lakes Roasting Company. We all have a favorite bean-watering hole and even more than the coffee itself, and we love sitting and sipping for as long as we damn well please. Though a lot of these spots are open or offering curbside service, the days of outstaying our welcome are behind — and, hopefully, ahead — of us. Photo via Great Lakes Roasting Company/Facebook
Waiting for another Detroit-style pizza place pop up in Corktown Maybe it’s a bit overkill, but Detroit loves nothing more than Detroit-style pizza. So much so that we probably have more Detroit-style pizza spots per block than, say, NYC has Starbucks. From classic slices to experimental pies, we’re not complaining when it comes to our za selection. Pizza by Michigan & Trumbull/ Photo by Bridget Ekis
Sample the goods at Cannabis Cup instead of, you know, getting high at home on a Wednesday at 2 p.m. because we’re basically unemployed Among the things we miss most is getting high with fellow potheads. Hash Bash and Cannabis Cup events are out of reach, and so we’ve had no choice but to numb ourselves silly. Alone. At home. Which is way sadder than doing dabs at the Russell Industrial Center while ICP sprays Faygo everywhere. Oh how the grass is greener … Photo by Jordan Buzzy
Being able to leisurely shop weekly for fresh food instead of making frantic trips to the grocery store to stock up on months worth of non-perishables Saturday mornings are a thing of beauty in Detroit. There’s nothing like heading to Eastern Market with your stash of reusable grocery bags and leisurely drinking Bloody Marys at Vivio’s before filling up on fresh produce, flowers, baked goods, and condiments from metro Detroit’s independent vendors and farmers. Instead, we’ve been forced to accept whatever cans of soup, spam, and frozen Hawaiian pizza (c’mon!) the big box groceries have left, because this is the apocalypse, baby. Courtesy of Eastern Market
Dress to the nines and kick it old school at Willis Show Bar Remember dressing up? Neither do we, which is why we can’t help but get wistful for an evening at Willis Show Bar, where everything is retro and decadent. Grab a frosty Old Fashioned and take in some soulful sounds or some seductive burlesque. Never have we wanted time travel to be a real thing more than we do now. Photo via Willis Show Bar/Facebook
Have our own Lady and the Tramp moment with Coney Dogs Swap spit while that chili drip. OK — so not only is that logistically challenging, it’s also pretty nasty. Whether you prefer Lafayette, American, Duly’s, or vegan Chili Mustard Onions, the politics of coney dogs do not come into play when getting downright dirty with our favorite dog. Photo by Tom Perkins

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