We’re feeling it too, fam. It’s hot. We’re sick of our spouses, houses, and despite having subscriptions to every single streaming service, there’s nothing we want to watch and we’re sick of that, too.

While social distancing — and mask-wearing — are vital practices to ensure we don’t have to be dealing with this shit next summer, there’s plenty you can do to heat up your boring-ass life and cool down out in the world. Remember the world? There’s plenty of fun to be had in it, whether it’s taking a kayak ride down the Detroit River, eating all the ice cream, or, for the exhibitionist with some gas in the tank, make a reservation at a clothing-optional resort. There’s also lounging in the land of the dead, too, and museums with A/C, and finding a moment of zen in a Japanese garden. These are just a few of the many ways to spend your sticky, sweaty, socially distanced summer in and around the city, where, for the most part, clothing is mandatory. No, seriously. You’ll get arrested and or land yourself on a list that will make it pretty difficult to leave the house.

Detroit River Sports 14601 Riverside Blvd., Detroit; 313-908-0484; detroitriversports.com Not all of us are born leaders — in fact, most of us are followers. So why not just lean into it like the little sheeple you are and let the folks at Detroit River Sports handle this one? We’re not really sure how well sheep fare on water, but we think you will do just fine. Detroit River Sports specializes in private and group kayak and standing paddleboard tours of the Detroit River as well as the islands of the city’s east side. They offer morning, afternoon, and sunset kayak tours, as well as full moon tours and trips through Belle Isle. Photo via Detroit River Sports/Facebook
Elmwood Cemetery 1200 Elmwood St., Detroit; 313-567-3453; elmwoodhistoriccemetary.org If you’re looking for a chilling experience on a hot summer day, look no further than Detroit’s historic Elmwood Cemetery. Erected in 1846, Elmwood Cemetery is one of the most beautiful places to contemplate death, existence, the afterlife, and whether Jeffery Epstein killed himself or not. Anyway, while it may seem morbid to choose the resting place of many notable Michiganders, it is also one of the area’s most breathtaking retreats from city craziness complete with winding, tree-lined pathways. Photo via Google Maps
Cranbrook Gardens 380 Long Pine Rd., Bloomfield Hills; 248-645-3149; housegardens.cranbrook.edu Welcome to Hogwarts, er, we mean Cranbrook. Though many of Cranbrook’s facilities are currently closed due to COVID-19, including the Cranbrook House, art museum, and institute of science, what better place to cool down than Cranbrook’s sunken garden? Or how about the Japanese Garden or Reflecting Pond? This shady (not, like, suspicious, but actual shade) and dreamy spot is the perfect place to cool off and, well, reflect on your useless and very expensive college degree. If the shade and gardens and ponds aren’t enough to lower your temps, stay tuned to Cranbrook’s social media as they are gearing up to reopen the art gallery and science museum later in July. After all, air conditioning is both a work of art and a scientific marvel and for that we are #blessed. Photo via Cranbrook Center for Collections and Research/Facebook
Belle Isle 99 Pleasure Dr., Detroit; 313-821-9844; belleisleconservancy.org It’s not a secret that Belle Isle is the closest thing us Detroiters have to a beach getaway and is the go-to spot when it’s hot and/or we are dreaming of social distancing with our besties over some White Claws. Though indoor attractions like the aquarium and conservatory remain closed because of you-know-who, the isle is like that bloody Coldplay song we get stuck in our damn heads every time someone says “paradise.” Just don’t get caught skinny dipping in the fountain. You’ve been warned. Photo via Hannah Ervin/Detroit Stock City
Turtle Lake Clothing Optional Resort 2101 Nine Mile Rd., Union City; 517-741-7004; turtle-lake.net OK — so this might be a two-hour drive from Detroit, but it offers a unique and stripped-down socially distanced experience that would likely get you arrested anywhere else. Turtle Lake Clothing Optional Resort in Union City is exactly what it sounds like. Michigan summer means it’s hot AF and what better time than to shed the shackles of conformity, societal judgment, and unpleasant chafing by getting nude with strangers? Opened in the 1980s as a traditional camp/resort experience, Turtle Lake ditched the clothing requirement sometime around 2003 when it transitioned into Michigan’s best clothing-optional getaways. They have pools, hot tubs, a tiki bar, a range of outdoor sporting activities, as well as a private beach where skinny dipping is encouraged. You might not be wearing undies but for the love of god put on a damn mask! Photo via Turtle Lake Clothing Optional Resort /Facebook
Detroit Institute of Arts 5200 Woodward Ave., Detroit; 313-833-7900; dia.org Ice cold A/C? Check. That bonerific painting with all the dudes in erect codpieces? Sure. A world-class art collection that would make Edvard Munch’s “The Scream,” well, scream? Ahhhhh, yes. The Detroit Institute of Arts is back (thank gawd!) and to help combat COVID-19, they’ve reduced their hours and now offer timed tickets. Masks are mandatory for entry, as are temperature checks, and the Kresge court and other dining options are currently closed. But who’s to say you can’t pack a picnic and camp out in the sculpture garden after you soak in the art — and air conditioning — indoors? Photo courtesy of the DIA
Aloha Tiki Tours Sindbad’s Marina, 100 St. Clair St., Detroit; St. Clair Shores Public Dock, 24800 Jefferson Ave., St. Clair Shores; 586-980-1619;alohatikitours.com All aboard the crazy tiki boat? Last year, a fleet of tiki boats landed in metro Detroit, and though it is a hefty $275-$300 per two-hour tour for you and 6 of your guests, this is one way to socially distance from, well, just about everyone not on your tiki boat. The BYOB ride (yes, that means you have only two hours to go from full Margaritaville to responsible adult) is offered along the Detroit River and St. Clair Shores. Photo by Noah Elliott Morrisson
Ford Wyoming Drive-in 10400 Ford Rd., Dearborn; 313-846-6910; forddrivein.com Long gone are the days of CGI big screen summer blockbusters, chilled leather seats that stick to your summer thighs, and smuggling in snacks and booze past the usher as if you have just stolen the Declaration of Independence. (Oh, like you haven’t shoved a couple of Taco Bell crunch wraps under your arms and crotched a bottle of wine to watch a larger-than-life Margot Robbie … literally do anything?) Well, thank bloody hell for metro Detroit’s drive-in theaters, which are saving us from our quarantine doldrums. You’ve got the classic option, Dearborn’s 70-year-old Ford-Wyoming Drive-in, which screens affordable double features all week long. There’s Macomb’s new-screen-on-the-block Canterbury Drive-in, too. Some indoor theatres are getting in on the fun, like Cinema Detroit, which hosts off-site screeninings. Hamtramck’s Film Lab has also pivoted to hosting movies on the patio. So, crank up your car’s A/C and Bring Your Own Everything. Austin Evans Eighmey
Bay City State Park 3582 State Park Dr., Bay City; 989-684-3020; dnr.state.mi.us Two words: Beach camping. Like birds? Like wet stuff? Look no further than Bay City State Park, which is home to 2,000 acres of wetlands, woods, and meadows. In fact, it’s one of the largest remaining coastal wetlands on the Great Lakes. In addition to all the birding you’ll do (that’s birding talk for bird watching), there are three campgrounds close to Lake Huron’s shoreline to cool the eff off. Oh, and it’s just two hours away from the city which is, like, the length of two Madonna records, a Bay City native. Photo via Bay City State Park/Facebook
Zehnder’s Splash Village 1365 S. Main St., Frankenmuth; zehnders.com/zehnders-splash-village Because we’re #blessed to live in a place surrounded by, you know, incredible freshwater lakes, we don’t always have pools on the brain. But Frankenmuth, which is home to fudge, fried chicken, and year-long Christmas, has the ultimate pool experience and one of the few water parks in the country that has not one, but two, waterpark experiences both with a retractable roof. Did we mention it features 50,000 square-feet of slides, pools, and splash zones? We’re not sure if you can actually eat fried chicken in the pool, but no one is stopping you from jingle bell rockin’ your way down a dang slide. Photo via Zehnder’s Splash Village/Facebook
Clinton River Canoe and Kayak 37328 Utica Rd., Sterling Heights; 248-421-3445; clintonriverkayak.com This one is for the east siders! Clinton River Canoe and Kayak is exactly what it sounds. The folks at CRCK offer several tours for paddlers of varying skill levels because the Clinton River, which spans four counties, can get wild, y’all. Like, white water rafting wild. So wild that one of the trips, titled Adventure Paddle, is described on the website as being “menacing” and comes with a disclaimer: “you might not make it.” Of course, there are general trips that offer a much calmer route. But due to fluctuations in water levels, be sure to give ‘em a call to see what’s up. Photo via Clinton River Canoe and Kayak/Facebook
Motown Museum 2648 W. Grand Blvd., Detroit; 313-875-2264; motownmuseum.org Let the dancing in the street commence — a slice of pure Detroit music history is open and while the tunes may be hot, hot, hot, you can take shelter in the Motown Museum and stand in the very room where hits and stars were born. Like many of Detroit’s cultural institutions, masks and temp checks are mandatory for admittance and social distancing markers are placed throughout. Oh, and as of recently, the museum has lifted its photo ban policy so you can have some major bragging rights to heat up the ‘gram. Photo via James R. Martin / Shutterstock.com
Fuller Park Pool in Ann Arbor 1519 Fuller Rd., Ann Arbor; 734-794-6236;a2gov.org Remember when you could just, like, show up on a hot-ass day to your neighborhood public pool and soak in the cooling chlorine-regulated waters with a bunch of strangers? Though that may not be an option right now, the folks at Fuller Park are open for business, and to keep it hella safe they’ve instituted an RSVP policy which allows pool-thirsty folks to reserve 90-minute sessions for various areas of their multi-use pool, starting as early as 7:15 a.m. Photo via A2gov.org/Website
Great Lakes Surf Shop 23517 Nine Mack Dr., St. Clair Shores; 586-359-6951; greatlakessurf.com/kite Go fly a kite! Better yet, go kitesurfing, which sounds both made up and super dangerous. But Great Lakes Surf Shop specializes in making sure your water sports potential is fulfilled. OK — so you’re not gonna learn how to kiteboard at their St. Clair Shores retail location, but at the shop’s affiliated Great Lakes Kiteboarding school, which started in 2002. They offer camps and private lessons on Lake St. Clair. Not feeling ready to hit the high seas? They’ve got paddleboarding lessons, too. Photo via Shutterstock.com
Detroit Sails Tour 9343+J3 Detroit; 313-574-5684; detroitsails.com Someone once said that owning a boat is basically owning a hole in the water that you throw money into and for that reason we will likely never be boatowners because in order to throw money into a hole, you have to have money to throw which, well, you get the idea. But to get a taste of how the other half lives, there’s Detroit Sails, which conducts two-hour sails on the Detroit River for up to four guests. They offer day sails and sunset sails. Oh, and it’s BYOB, so you can celebrate never having to deal with owning a boat. Huzzah! Photo via Detroit Sails/Facebook
Whitmore-Bolles Park Notre Dame Street at Katherine Street, Dearborn; cityfodearborn.org We know what you’re thinking. Aren’t splash pads for kids? Well, ma’am, yes, technically we believe the splash pad, which was invented by, uh, Sir Splash of Splasherden in, like, 2002, is aimed at family fun, but when it’s hot AF out and you’ve got mad chafing going on and you’ve given up hope, the splash pad is for everyone. Of the three splash pads in Dearborn, the one at Whitmore-Bolles Park is the newest and while it is not supervised, social distancing is encouraged. Beats running through your neighbor’s sprinkler in your undies. Photo via Dearborn Recreation/Facebook
Dequindre Cut Greenway 1776 Woodbridge St., Detroit; detroitriverfront.org/riverfront/dequindre-cut Cut it out, would ya? We’re trying to get our breeze on. The Dequindre Cut Greenway is a dope two-mile greenway connecting the East Detroit Riverfront, Eastern Market, and some residential areas. The below-street level pedestrian greenway is prime for biking and has bike lanes, as well as street art, murals, and provides a moment of zen in the hustle-bustle of the city. You can also rent a bike via Detroit Wheelhouse, but appointments are required, as are masks, ya dingus! Photo via Hannah Ervin/Detroit Stock City
Skip’s Huron River Canoe Liveries 4072 Nixon Ct., Ann Arbor; 734-769-8686; paddlethehuron.com No canoodling in the canoe, dammit! Well, we don’t actually know Skip’s Huron River Canoe Liveries stance on PDA while using their watercraft, but it sure sounds dangerous. What’s not dangerous is the cool and calm waters of the Huron River, which you can view via canoe, kayak, or tube. The full-service rental facility will cart your butt(s) to the start of the water trail and you can drift, float, or power through at your own pace. Due to social distancing, however, there are capacity limits for how many folks can hitch a ride with Skip’s and reservations are now required to secure a trip. Photo via Skip’s Huron River Canoe Liveries /Facebook
Self-guided Detroit street art tour … you can do it! various Detroit locations This one requires a bit of imagination, GPS skills, and a sense of adventure because though Detroit’s cultural institutions are open, not everyone is feeling comfortable enough to hang indoors just yet. So, why not do it yourself? No, not like that. Hop in the car and cruise Detroit to take in some world-class art. From murals in Eastern Market to quirky neighborhood installations via the Heidelberg Project, nearly every Detroit neighborhood has an art story to tell. So, crank up the A/C in your Hyundai, put on some tunes, and take in the sights from a safe distance. Also, did someone say a cheap date idea? Peep the city’s mural guide or The Detroit Mural Project for a more detailed look at Detroit’s street art. Photo by Steve Neavling
Keep calm and eat ice cream We’re not sure why it is, but metro Detroit really likes ice cream. So much so that we’ve even made a round-up of all the area’s best custards, creams, and non-dairy treats, many of which are walk-up stands, which means socially distancing has never been more delicious. Do one better and treat yourself to your own ice cream tour — just remember to pack some Lactaid. Photo via Cold Truth/Facebook

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