Detropolis, 2065: The city of the day after the day after tomorrow 


A mere 10 minutes by high-speed UniRale™ from wherever you live in the continental United States and accessible by the 50-lane SafeSpeed Commutobahn™, free men of 2065 — independent and interdependent, bound by a faith in humanity — bring you not the City of Tomorrow, not the City of the Day After Tomorrow, but …

Detropolis: The City of the Day After the Day After Tomorrow.

A. CoFordula Colosstadium: The center of Detropolis is dominated by the world’s most famous sports arena, where under a retractable radiation-resistant Gypsodome® roof, all seven of our professional sports not only play in a single location but play simultaneously. With a seating capacity of over a million, there’s plenty of room for fans to safely cheer and riot as they watch the Detropolis Tigrons, the Detropolis Piss-Wings, the Detropolis Bear Coots (ladies’ Bo-taoshi), the Detropolis Giggle Zombies (mud polo), the Detropolis Handfish (chess boxing), the Detropolis Pussies (Canadian-rules football) and the Detropolis Vampyroteuthis Infernalises (bog snorkeling). Concession stands serve the equivalent of twelve slaughterhouses worth of hog products every day while the stadium’s signature Big Lemon Lite beer is not only brewed on premise, but uses grain that is actually raised in gigantic, Gypsodome® enclosed fields adjacent to the gridiron, where fans who find chess boxing boring can sit and watch it grow.

B. Ethni-City: The creation of the SafeSpeed Commutobahn™ required the forcible relocation of our final remaining ethnic enclaves, but fear not, lovers of quaint mom-n’-pop restaurants, bakeries and cheesy souvenirs; all of these—and more—still exist within Ethni-City, a thoroughly modern ghetto where thousands of orderly non-Caucasian cooks and artists are confined, producing their unique wares safely behind the shelter of an Anti-Fascist Protection Rampart™.

C. Isotopia: It takes a lot of energy to supply a gigalopolis the size of Detropolis, but that’s easy as snap, crackle, pop with the dozen nuclear reactors of Isotopia, our city’s ‘Tower of Power’. The discovery of the transuranic element Gypsonium-235 in 2025 has allowed major city structures to be shielded from the radioactive particulates that are a necessary byproduct of sustained nuclear fission, and thanks to a new generation of consumer-friendly antineoplastic drugs, people can now contract and be cured of cancer hundreds of times over the course of a lifetime.

D. Terminarium: Because of the nuclear fallout, most folks you’ll see enjoying themselves in Detropolis have lived in the Traverse City area for decades, commuting to work and recreation via the space-age UniRale™ system, which has revolutionized both white flight and gentrification. Thus, at over 11,000 square miles, Detropolis has a permanent population of less than seventy, earning her the twin nicknames of ‘The Giantest Little City in America’ and ‘The Littlest Giant City in America’! The Terminarium is the central hub from which all local rails emanate. Formerly the abandoned Michigan Central Depot in Corktown, the Terminarium was designed in homage to this architectural masterpiece; it is both windowless and has an active population of homeless residents.

E. The Orbisphere and the Fistulon. Perhaps the most iconic symbols of Detropolis are her twin monuments, the Orbisphere and the Fistulon. The Fistulon combines form and function in what may be the most aesthetically pleasing trash incinerator ever designed. A tribute to the remarkable arm reach of legendary boxer Tommy Hearns, the Fistulon doubles as the incinerator’s smokestack, and at over 200 feet, it is so tall that the fist itself is barely visible to visitors, leading to a popular misconception that the Fistulon is actually a tribute to Tommy Hearns’ penis. The Orbisphere, of course, is home to Orbit Magazine, Detropolis’ Pulitzer-winning daily newspaper and the only publication to survive the tabloid wars of 2020. Following the armistice, Orbit purchased the Detroit Free Press, the Detroit News, the Lithuanian Albino Herald, Metro Times, Hour Detroit, the Hmong Hmonitor, The Detroit Jewish/Syrian News, Detroiter Today, and the Crackerhonky Journal-Constitution Advertiser and relocated the staffs to the Fistulon trash incinerator.

F. The Ambassador Wall: Following Vietnam War II (2036-2040), a steel-and-concrete wall was built in the center of the formerly-known-as Ambassador Bridge to prevent draft dodgers from fleeing to Canada. In the distance, the Atanas of Rhodes can be seen spanning the mighty Detroit River, a monument to Detropolis’ first mayor, Atanas Ilitch, who served from June 2027 to August 2027, having been removed by President Malia Obama Trump.

G. Bloomfield Hillbillies The former haven for those of Detroit’s nouveau riche unwelcome in Grosse Pointe, Bloomfield Hills fell on hard times during the Great Depression II that preceded Vietnam War II. It is now a favorite location for young, black avant-garde photographers who find strange beauty in the abandoned Kirk in the Hills cathedral, which now houses homeless socialites and Adderall dealers, Cranbrook’s vacant museums and dorms, most of which have been stripped of everything valuable except the art by nouveau poore squatters.

Best Things to Do In Detroit


Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

© 2016 Detroit Metro Times

Website powered by Foundation