Monday, April 20, 2015

Men's styles we absolutely don't want to see this summer

Posted By on Mon, Apr 20, 2015 at 12:20 PM

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We thought the man-child apparel of Frank & Oak was bad, but here's something that makes F&O look like Brooks Brothers: Crocheted clothes.

And, no, it's not just that knit tie in the back of your closet: In many cases, they're "repurposed" afghans. Take this sales spiel from Etsy as an official style note.

These crochet shorts are tons of fun!!! Great for running, walking, dancing, or just wearing every day! These one-of-a-kind shorts can easily be worn by a man or a woman, great for festivals, after the slopes, or for morning yoga in the winter.

Yes, when I'm doing my morning yoga in the winter, the idea of my tender parts rubbing against wool hand-knit by grandma really gives those asanas a boost.

The spiel goes on:

Afghan blankets are heritage textiles infused with color, texture and love. Part of our visual culture, crochet patterns evoke nostalgia, comfort, and warmth. Crochet pants are stretchy and comfortable, warm yet breathable, eye-catching and vivid. In the words of one satisfied customer, "they might be the best thing we ever owned!!

They're also the kind of clothing that, in most modern American cities, dare the average person to punch the wearer's lights out. 

Maybe we're close-minded, though. We did find one non-hipster who ordered a custom pair and wrote a fairly sympathetic review. His one complaint: "The only area of discomfort is where the thick yarn is bunched up and feels like a load of crap sitting in my grundle."

That sympathetic reviewer would be Eric Schranz, pictured here in mid-jog.
  • That sympathetic reviewer would be Eric Schranz, pictured here in mid-jog.

Of course, it could be worse, right? Which is a sure bet that things are just about to get much, much worse. There is a crocheted men's thong available online, and it's so awful that it has to be a gag gift. We are warning you right here that we are going to run a picture of it. First, below, will be more pictures of some other crocheted menswear. Only at the bottom will the image, BSFW (barely safe for work), be placed for your viewing displeasure.

Come to think of it, crocheted shorts are about as stupid an idea as barefoot outdoor winter morning yoga.
  • Come to think of it, crocheted shorts are about as stupid an idea as barefoot outdoor winter morning yoga.

Here's a yogic pose that will gain popularity. When encountering crocheted shorts, raise your right arm and cover your eyes with your fingers to relieve optic stress.
  • Here's a yogic pose that will gain popularity. When encountering crocheted shorts, raise your right arm and cover your eyes with your fingers to relieve optic stress.

These special green crocheted Capri pants will make you wish you blended in more with this green scene.
  • These special green crocheted Capri pants will make you wish you blended in more with this green scene.

This vintage yellow 1940s valise goes well with this vintage 1970s zigzag afghan, especially while you're leaving town because all your friends couldn't stop laughing at you.
  • This vintage yellow 1940s valise goes well with this vintage 1970s zigzag afghan, especially while you're leaving town because all your friends couldn't stop laughing at you.

"Yes, they're stylish, but are these natural, hand-spun fibers? We only wear natural, hand-spun yarn products."
  • "Yes, they're stylish, but are these natural, hand-spun fibers? We only wear natural, hand-spun yarn products."

We warned you. Here it is: The crocheted men's thong.
  • We warned you. Here it is: The crocheted men's thong.



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