Wednesday, November 25, 1998


Posted By on Wed, Nov 25, 1998 at 12:00 AM

To watch the Jerry Springer movie when you're not a Jerry Springer fan is an exhausting and humbling experience. Quiet in the middle of an unleashed crowd chanting Springer's name with a fury reminiscent of the battle cry in Lord of the Flies, you feel like the last reader in the world of the illiterate; like a wine connoisseur exiled in the Land of Beer; like an extra on the set of an absurdist flick whose cheap thrills challenge the boundaries of common sense. You feel lost, abused and cheated, revolted, impotent and sad.

Welcome to the circus-world of the "Jerry Springer Show"! Careful with those cages: The people trapped behind the shiny metal bars are unaware of their captivity. See how colorful their costumes are, how loud their makeup? This is the chance of a lifetime! The gladiators' arena! The Anatomy of Bad Taste! Are you sleeping with your stepdaddy, your girlfriend's sister, your sheep, your horse, your boss' evil twin, or that cute blonde girl who must've seen The Crying Game, 'cause when you pulled her panties down you saw she was a man? Then come to the "Jerry Springer Show"!

Are you dying to reveal the family's dark secret -- a twisted pregnancy, a touch of incest, a hint of rape, a modest orgy -- a betrayal of some sort which, once divulged, would make you feel like a god among the stupids, 'cause their (spelled "there") secrets are nothing compared to yours? Listen to them scream, envious, humbled by "there" laughable perversions, by "there" puny sins, by "there" private parts still unexposed!

What are you waiting for? Chew their livers! Kick their ass! Suffocate the bastards! You're (spelled "your") better than they are! You had the guts to rub your silicone implants against those of your sister's bisexual friend, while drooling over the leather-clad organ of your ex-boyfriend's ex!

Wait, there's more! Ringmaster also reveals the man behind the talk-show persona: Jerry Springer in bed with Rebecca Broussard; Jerry Springer as a country-western singer…

How frightfully pathetic! How dangerous. How sad.

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