You call yourself straight?

May 8, 2002 at 12:00 am

Q: I’m a heterosexual male who wants to suck some cock. I don’t want anything else, just to suck someone else’s dick. I want this to be very discreet and absolutely safe. I don’t want anyone to know I did this; I also don’t want any diseases. Any suggestions? —Wannabe Cocksucker

A: Like all straight guys who wanna suck a little cock (and there seem to be a ton of you out there), you want two big things (besides cock): safety and discretion. Unfortunately for straight male cocksuckers like you, WC, discreet blow jobs often aren’t safe and safe blow jobs aren’t usually discreet. Try to keep up: The most discreet blow jobs are the anonymous ones given in sex clubs, parks, toilets, and other notorious sleaze pits. Give a blow job under a bush in the middle of the night and your friends probably won’t find out about it. Unfortunately, the men you meet under bushes tend to be sleaze pits themselves and most will be carrying at least one STD. The safest blow jobs, on the other hand, are the ones you give to someone you know and trust and have been dating for at least a few months. Unfortunately, dating isn’t very discreet. Your friends may meet him, or see you two together and suspect something. So before you can choose a course of action, WC, you have to decide which is more important to you: Safety or discretion. If you’re like most straight male wannabe cocksuckers, discretion is more important. Most STDs can be cured or endured, but getting caught with a dick in your mouth forever makes you a fag in the eyes of your friends and family. Which brings us, in a roundabout way, to David.

“The first thing I would urge WCS to do is call me,” said David, an escort/body worker in Seattle, Washington, when I shared your letter with him. David has come to the aid of a lot of straight men in your predicament. You can check David out by visiting his Web site, davidin “If he’s really concerned about anonymity and discretion, the most obvious option is to call an escort or a bodyworker.”

I don’t have any proof, but I have a hunch that an upscale male escort charging $250 an hour is less likely to have an STD than your average skank under a bush giving it away for free. To find an upscale escort, David recommends www.male4male, a Web site that offers explicit reviews (good and bad) of male escorts all over the world. “Once you find an escort attached to the cock you want to suck,” David continued, “book an appointment.”

And what about those pesky STDs?

“Don’t be afraid to inquire about [your escort’s] HIV status,” David said. You should also ask your escort about other STDs he might have, like herpes, hepatitis, syphilis or gonorrhea — all of which can be transmitted through oral sex. “Look him in the eye, and when he gives you his answer you gotta listen to that little voice in the back of your head. If he says he’s clean and you believe him, get down on your knees. On the other hand, if you don’t believe him and he gives you the creeps, pay him for his time and get the hell out.”

So you asked your escort if he was clean, you looked him in the eye, and he seemed to be telling the truth ... but what if he’s not? Well, that’s a risk you’ll have to take, if you wanna suck cock discreetly.

Q: I am a straight guy who’s curious about men. I’ve had enough blow jobs to know good from bad, and I’m sure I’ll suck a mean cock. My concern is butt-fucking. Or, rather, getting butt-fucked. Can you offer any tricks to help us “straight” guys out? Yeah, I know that if I am sucking cock and getting butt-fucked it sort of compromises my “straight” status, but we live in a democracy, don’t we? —How To Serve Men

A: “First off, George W. Bush is our president,” said David, “so we don’t live in a democracy. Secondly, sucking cock is an art, and can only be learned by doing it — a lot of it. Just because you’ve had your share doesn’t mean you’ll be good.”

Setting aside blow jobs, what does David recommend you do to get your ass in gear?

“Get to know your asshole,” said David. “Lube up your fingers and work them around until you can get at least three digits inside. Then pull up your pants and go visit a sex shop and purchase a moderately sized dildo.” David suggests that you practice with your dildo until you start to enjoy it. “Then you’re ready for the real thing. Always use a condom and don’t let someone cum inside of you, even with a condom on. I’m one of those rare gay guys who doesn’t enjoy a cock up my ass, so the rest of my advice is not from personal experience but from what friends have told me: Make sure you’re both good and lubed up. Make sure he goes really slow. Breathe and relax.”

Q: I had been dating this girl for about a year when I finally admitted that, as much as I loved her, I also found guys attractive on some levels. I’m sure I will never get penetrated unless I am sedated or something, because I just feel like I won’t like it, so I don’t feel like I’m totally gay. But now I have a friend; I’m not sure if he’s gay or not but everyone seems to think he is and so do I. I really, really like him. He likes me a lot too — and I’m not sure what to do. Every time he looks at me I wish I could tell him about my homo feelings for him but I’m afraid we won’t be friends anymore. What can I do to let him know without actually saying anything? I want him to get the idea that I’m into him without freaking him out. He has been to my house many times and he spends the night. —Mostly Straight Boy

A: If you’re attracted to this guy, MSB, and you think he might be attracted to you, there’s only one way to move the ball down the field: Make that pass, kiddo. If he’s spending the night at your place, and if all your friends think he’s gay (and it’s not just wishful thinking on your part), then he probably is gay. So tell him you’re into him or, if you want to tell him without saying anything, lay a kiss on him the next time he sleeps over. Either way, you risk losing his friendship if it turns out he’s not gay. But it’s a risk you’re going to have to take.

Finally, MSB, you sound like a full-blown homo to me. Yes, yes: You loved a girl once. So did I. Finding the odd girl attractive and even managing to fuck a few of ’em doesn’t make you straight. Nor does finding the idea or of being penetrated repulsive. Being gay isn’t about being penetrated, it’s about who you fall in love with, and it sounds like you’ve fallen in love with a guy. Maybe he’s the exception, but somehow I doubt it. Don’t you?

Contact Dan Savage at [email protected]