When getting serious, be casual

Q: I met a guy through a BDSM chatroom. It seemed like the perfect no-risk adventure sex — he's dom, I'm sub; he's sexy as all get-out, I'm fat in all the places he likes girls to be fat. So we hook up. But instead of the one-time adventure I was expecting, we hook up again and again. We talk for hours on the phone and hang out naked watching TV and eating Chinese food. It's been a couple of months now, and I really like this guy. Usually "dom" guys are not people I would want to spend five minutes with outside of the bedroom. But we seem to go effortlessly from friends and equals to mind-shatteringly orgasmic power-exchange fucking, which always seems to end up sweet and slow and feeling a lot more like lovemaking.

Should I just let things be good and enjoy it and see where it goes? Or should there be an official "this is now a relationship and I am opening myself up to the possibility of a future with you" discussion? I am just so terrified of being dismissed as a potential partner because of the way we met. What if men (or at least this man) can have not just casual sex without feeling attached, but also casual naked Chinese without feeling attached — as long as they have already classified the woman in their head as a fantasy-fulfillment booty call? —Sex Crazed Adventures Rarely Evolve Development

A: If you want to scare this boy off, SCARED, then sit his ass down for an Official Discussion (OD) and unilaterally upgrade this thing from fantasy-fulfillment booty calls to Serious Relationship. No one — men, women, gay, straight, kinky, vanilla — likes to be informed that they are now, like it or not, and without any prior consultation, entangled in a Very Serious Relationship.

Even if this boy is open to getting serious — if he's not the kind of guy who would rule you out because of how you met — eight weeks is way too soon for an OD. Badly handled, your OD could put him on the defensive, SCARED, and make him view any future mind-shatteringly orgasmic power-exchange fuck sessions as some sort of implied commitment, one that he may not be ready to make. It that happens, you can say goodbye to both the fuck sessions and the possibility of a future.

However, you should let him know how you're feeling, SCARED, and you can do it without tossing down lightning bolts like "this is now a relationship" and "I am opening myself up to the possibility of a future with you." Try something simpler and sweeter, something truthful but less thunderclappy, something like: "I'm totally digging you as a dom, which I expected after our chats, and also as a person, which I totally didn't expect. I hope we can keep on fucking and hanging out." He'll catch your drift, I guarantee you, and he'll appreciate your ability to let things develop naturally and without any hurry-up ODs. Then chill the fuck out, enjoy the sex and the Chinese, and see where it goes.

Finally, SCARED, if this guy is the type who would dismiss you as a potential partner because of how you met, well, you really can't do anything about that, can you? It would be extremely foolish for him to dismiss you for that reason, though — and if he does, SCARED, you can tell him I said so. It's rare for a truly kinky person to meet someone with whom he's sexually and emotionally compatible. (Am I right, kinksters?) If this dom boy has any sense at all he's already picturing a future with you.


Q: I'm a 100 percent straight guy from Toronto, very good looking, all that shit. My girlfriend took me to a gay bar in Vancouver, where she's going to school, and this good-looking femme boy started coming on to me. My girlfriend asked me to make out with him because she thought it would be hot. Long story short: He came back to her place with us where he acted as my personal fluffer. He blew me while I ate out the girlfriend, stroked me after I put the condom on, and in general did everything he could to keep me rock hard — for the girlfriend. Then I fucked the hell out of my girl while my fluffer licked my balls and ass. I never came so hard in my life. I thought I was going to shoot a few vertebrae right out of my dick. I want to do this again, my girlfriend wants to do this again, and my personal fluffer wants to do this again. No real problem here, Dan, but do you think I should turn in my straight-guy card now? —Boy Into New Orgasmic Ways

A: No, BINOW, I don't think you should turn in your straight-guy card — but only because this whole scenario will be a whole hell of a lot less horny for your personal fluffer if you suddenly start identifying as bi. I would have to turn in my fag card if I ruined this for him. So you can keep telling your fluffer you're 100 percent straight, he can keep pretending to believe you, and your girlfriend can keep enjoying the show. You don't have to thank me — just send some video.


Q: Hi, I am a 21-year-old female in a loving relationship. My problem is that I never come during sex. My boyfriend gets frustrated and takes it personally. The only time I ever have an orgasm is while using a vibrator or a faucet — it doesn't even happen when I play with myself manually. I don't know why, but I just ... don't. I've been told that it's a psychological thing. Also, it could have something to do with my past. I was raised really Christian and for a long time I felt guilty about having lustful thoughts and sexual desires. I feel like something could be wrong with me. Why is it so easy for everyone else? I want to have a healthy sex life, not just while I'm alone but with men. What should I do? —Feeling Unbecoming

A: While I'm naturally inclined to blame just about any sexual or social dysfunction on a conservative Christian upbringing, FU, I'm afraid that we can't pin your orgasm issues on Bible thumpers. Most women — the best estimates put it at 75 percent — can't come from vaginal intercourse alone, and a large number of women can't come from manual stimulation alone either. We've covered this before, but it bears repeating: Lots of women need additional, focused, intense, direct clitoral stimulation — you know, the kind of buzz you get from your vibrator and faucet. It's not a psychological thing, FU, it's a physiological thing, and the sooner you accept that your body needs those extra boosts — and the sooner you incorporate them into your lovemaking — the sooner you'll start coming during sex.

Here's what you do: While your boyfriend fucks you, go at yourself with your vibrator. Show him how you get yourself off. Then once he's seen how it's done, hand him the vibrator and tell him he can be a baby about it and sulk, or be a man about it and get the job done. And if he wants to do it all with his dick, send him to the Couples' Vibrators section of babeland.com, where he'll find a selection of vibrators he can wear on his cock. You can have a healthy sex life that incorporates vibrators, FU, you just have to make peace with the way your body works.

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About The Author

Dan Savage

Dan Savage is a sex-advice columnist, podcaster, and author, and has appeared on numerous television shows. His sex advice column “Savage Love” first appeared in The Stranger, Seattle’s alternative weekly, in 1991. The column is now syndicated across the United States and Canada. He has published six books...
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