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Valentine's Day is a holiday for women. Obviously! V = vagina. Red = vagina. Hearts = vaginas somehow too. So it was fitting that on Valentine's Day eve, the Wonder Twins attended "Women: A Celebration of Art and Culture" at the Crofoot where people with XX chromosomes were celebrated for the talent they have, ... which may or may not be related to whether they have vaginas.

Laura: It only seemed appropriate that we attend an event that celebrated women seeing as we are, you know, women.

D'Anne: And every day for a woman is a celebration.

Laura: Of estrogen?

D'Anne: No, just that there will always be something to watch on Lifetime.

Laura: Unless, of course, it's time for The View.

D'Anne: Or if there's an event with a kick-ass lineup of ladies to attend. Like "Women: A Celebration of Art and Culture."

Laura: When we walked into the Crofoot Ballroom, the first thing we saw were the giant fabric panels draped from the balcony to the floor. Almost like a giant tent.

D'Anne: Or a giant fabric vagina complete with a cervix in the middle of the ceiling.

Laura: Which basically made the floor a giant womb! 

D'Anne: Exactly.

Laura: I'm glad there was no smoking allowed that night because that would have been dangerous.

D'Anne: Yes, dangerous for the health of the fetus.

Laura: And the cervix.

D'Anne: And also fire. How cloth is flammable and all.

Laura: I was a little surprised to see two boys kick off the evening — in NASCAR suits, no less. With an American flag draped over their keyboard. It was almost like we'd been tricked into attending a Sarah Palin rally!

D'Anne: It wasn't like a Sarah Palin rally, Laura. Don't be fucking retarded.

Laura: The NASCAR-suit-sporting duo was indeed Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr., who were, for this special night only, going by Danica Patrick Jr. Jr. for some reason.

D'Anne: Danica Patrick is a lady racecar driver, Laura. Get with it.

Laura: Yeah right, like there are lady racecar drivers. Ladies can't even parallel park.

D'Anne: Wow. Did you learn anything at the show? Also, maybe you can't parallel park, but I'm actually pretty good at it.

Laura: Whatever. I'd been hearing good things about Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. so I was glad to see them.

D'Anne: I thought they were really good. They even pulled off a cover of "Friends in Low Places," a song I've never liked before. I have to say, though, the Maya Angelou stuff was a bit much.

Laura: I honestly walked away at that point. I had to pee. So I didn't see all of it.

D'Anne: They performed her poem "Still I Rise." It was very appropriate for the night's theme. Part of it goes, "Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise that I dance like I've got diamonds at the meeting of my thighs?"

Laura: In a word, yes. Maya Angelou's sexiness does upset me. And it does come as a surprise. I've always thought of her as quite a mannish woman.

D'Anne: I kind of doubt she cares what you think. Although if she really has diamonds in her vagina, she should probably get that looked at. 

Laura: Yes. Because foreign objects in the vagina can cause irritation and possible systemic infection. Thanks, Web MD!

D'Anne: Silent Violet played next. 

Laura: There were two ladies onstage. Their sound was reminiscent of Imogen Heap or Ivy.

D'Anne: They had really pretty vocals, although they kind of performed like they were in a recital. 

Laura: I did think it was ironic that there was so much pro-Detroit sentiment throughout the evening. And during their set, Mariam McCarthy announced that this was her second to last set ever because she was "leaving the D."

D'Anne: Michigan's creative brain drain continues. Anyway, everyone who was part of the "Women ..." show should join together and start an art commune.

Laura: In the old Michigan Central Station.

D'Anne: Yes. Grab your sleeping bag and a flashlight, ladies, it's going to be a blast!

Laura: During Silent Violet's set, we walked around and looked at the tables and booths displaying arts and crafts or advertising some of Michigan's agencies and nonprofits for women.

D'Anne: My favorite was the "Women Empowered" table because they had a dog named Jell-O. 

Laura: And because they help women with physical challenges to live better lives for themselves in Detroit.

D'Anne: Yeah, that too.

Laura: There were other orgs there as well. Like the Michigan Women's Foundation and Veg Michigan. I got a condom at the Planned Parenthood table, which I'm sure I will put to good use. There were a lot of women artists showing off their wares with arts and crafts for sale.

D'Anne: Because, you know, women, they love to shop.

Laura: Two of my favorites were Janna Bissett's lilac POP Photography (etsy.com/shop/lilacpopphotography) with her photos of vintage toys, and Carrie Marchand's Ceramics (etsy.com/shop/carreeokee). She had the cutest little ceramic things I've ever seen in my life.

D'Anne: I liked Caitlin Drinkard's doll house with the toy rat family in it. The little Hulk Hogan poster on the wall in the teenager rat's room was a nice touch.

Laura: I liked that too — the rat house was very Fantastic Mr. Fox meets Married With Children.

D'Anne: The next band we saw was the Secret Twins. I am going to go on record as saying I doubt the authenticity of their "twins" claim.

Laura: Well, at least they're a duo. I'm going to go on record and say that they're quickly climbing up on my list of current Detroit favorites. I really like them. They kind of remind me of what you might get if you crossed Feist with a punk band.

D'Anne: I don't even care that they're not really twins. I love Dina's "V" shaped guitar. It was especially appropriate for the evening.

Laura: That's true. We then moved to the Pike Room to see some lady standup comedy.

D'Anne: Yes. Some of the ladies from the "Live Rude Girls" troupe were there to try to make us laugh. 

Laura: Esther Nevarez, the emcee for the evening, started off with a gyno joke because, you know ... women!

D'Anne: I actually went to school with Amy Ruud, one of the comics that evening. She was super funny. But more importantly, I'm glad she and I are both putting our University of Detroit Mercy degrees to good use.

Laura: Me too. Even though I would've loved to stick around for more boob jokes, I forced us to make a quick exit because I didn't want to miss Lettercamp on the main stage.

D'Anne: Not before we got to see the wife of the mayor of Beverly Hills, Mich., tell us how much her husband liked seeing a stripper give her a lap dance.

Laura: Something I'm sure his political opponents would like to know more about.

D'Anne: Well, I really liked Lettercamp, which is [Friendly Foes bassist] Liz Wittman's new project. Liz is like the Gwen Stefani of Detroit. I mean that as a high compliment.

Laura: Yes. Lettercamp is several steps removed from the indie power pop of Friendly Foes. 

D'Anne: I really dig it. Then again, I'm pretty unabashed about my love of Lady Gaga.

Laura: Don't forget Britney Spears.

D'Anne: Britney and I broke up.

Laura: Um, you sang "Stronger" at your wedding. 

D'Anne: I lip-synched to "Stronger" at my wedding reception.

Laura: Still, that pretty much ties you to Britney for life.

D'Anne: No, not even marriage ties anyone to Britney for life.

Laura: Right. Anyway, about halfway through their set, Lettercamp blew out their bass amp. This derailed them for several minutes and revealed that stage-banter-as-stalling-method was not a strong suit for any of the band members.

D'Anne: True. Although after a while, Liz did tell a joke. A dirty one. About a penguin. 

Laura: We'd tell it to our readers, but if they really want to know it, they should go check out Lettercamp's set at the upcoming Blowout fest and demand she retell it.

D'Anne: Truth be told, there was a hell of a lot of other things that went on that night, but we only have so much column space. To summarize, it was quite a night.

Laura: So true. We ended ours in "The Confessional," which looked like an old-school voting booth and contained a tape recorder and a list of questions you could choose to answer.

D'Anne: You chose to answer the question, "What is your greatest fear as a woman?"

Laura: Which I answered truthfully: Falling in the shower or off a chair and suffering a closed-head injury.

D'Anne: Half-truthfully. Because you did not also admit that you're afraid of balloons.

Laura: It said, "greatest fear as a woman." Balloon fear is totally gender-neutral.

D'Anne: Well, in the words of the esteemed Maya Angelou: "You need help."

D'Anne and Laura are music critics for Metro Times. Send comments to [email protected]
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