This ain't no party

I can't figure out if the conventions are just big company picnics or four-day infomercials. Most likely they’re company picnics where in lieu of playing softball, they produce a four-day company infomercial. But you can't produce an infomercial without a cast party. And these people know how to party. Especially when its on someone else's dime. But are the Democratic Party parties the same as the Republican Party parties? No. How you can tell you're at a Republican Party party.

• When you see two guys in a stall together, they're exchanging stock tips.

• Ratio of bartenders to guests is 3 to 820.

• Odds that women have shaved their legs is very high.

• You can tell how good the parties are in advance by how many blocks away the limo lock begins.

• Librarian chic is in.

• Tip jars at bars considered an exercise in futility.

• The pearls are real.

• You can tell the big time celebrities by their cowboy boots.

• A hair spray concession in the female rest room would make a lot of money.

• When you see a balding guy with a gray pony tail you know he is with the band. Will Durst is experiencing gastronomical distress due to a severe case of cheesesteak