Skanky panky and Lemon pledge

Sep 13, 2000 at 12:00 am
Q: My fiance and I love each other very much, and we share a very healthy sex life. My problem is porn. I enjoy porn. I am not obsessed with it, but I find it arousing at times. Oddly, I get extremely jealous when my fiance looks at porn, which as far as I know, he doesn't do very often. I realize that some couples use porn as a visual aid in their sex lives and I would enjoy incorporating it into ours on occasion. The problem is, I have this fear that he will watch some porn actress and then not find me as attractive. I feel like he'll be sitting there thinking, "I wish she looked like that." —Insecure

A: You think you feel insecure? Every time you two watch a porn film, your fiance has to stack his 6-inch joystick up against a porn-stud Presto Log jumbo enough to accommodate a four-bedroom, two-bath tree house ... complete with helipad and four-car garage. Still, your sweetiecakes doesn't think you're pining for a professional penis any more than he wants to get down with a skanky porn queen who bought her breasts from some subsidiary of Exxon. A porn film probably is to him the same thing it is to you — a springboard into some good, dirty fun. Presumably, this guy is marrying you because he loves you and thinks you're a hottie, not because your daddy is giving him 25 goats and a refrigerator to take you off his hands. If you and your fiance keep your love and your love life fired up, he probably won't feel a need to paste some other woman's head and body over yours while you're having sex. Well, not very often, anyway. This brings us to the facts. Boys will be boys will be boys. Boys fantasize. Either accept this or find your inner lesbian and a girlfriend who loves her. Of course, not all men fantasize every moment of every day. Sometimes they pause for moment or two to think about other things, like whether they need extra catsup with their burger. Now, don't you and the rest of femalekind go joining hands and leaping to conclusions over this: "Waaah! He doesn't love me! Waaah! Our relationship is over!" A man who mentally wanders up another woman's dress merely confirms that he's a man — a hairy primate biologically programmed to want a sexual smorgasbord ... no matter how hot a dish he has waiting for him at home. Even supermodel beauty can't fence a man in. If Liz Hurley wasn't dazzling enough to keep Hugh Grant from seeking Divine bliss, who is? Banning the porn queen from your life won't stop your man's mind from meandering onto other women. But, become her in the bedroom and you might have a pretty good shot. Watch her to see how sexy it is when a woman seems to have confidence in her bod, instead of being squeamish about her "problem thighs." Play out porn roles and scenarios. Let your fiance know, verbally and nonverbally, that his mere touch turns you into a puddle. The quickest way to a man's heart (and other organs) is through his ego. Keeping a man up to his organs in fantasy is anti-grazing insurance no woman can afford to go without. Bringing the occasional porn film into the mix is like buying into a deluxe policy — allowing him to participate in the eternal straight male dream — having two women at once, one of whom happens to be trapped in the VCR at the time.

Q: A woman I met made me promise that we would only be friends ... no matter what. I agreed, and we went to dinner and had an awesome time. Since then, we've had more fun ... eating out, Rollerblading and so on. I have begun to fall for her. I am wondering if I should keep my promise and remain miserable or tell her how I feel about her. —Wavering

A: Another day, another deep moral dilemma. It is possible that asking this woman out will cause her to explode into flames and disintegrate into a pile of ashes, making it impossible for her to get to her office in one piece. It's more likely that she made you make this promise in lieu of telling you that she finds you almost as attractive as an aging parsnip on day-old rye, or because she's still sewing together the emotional shreds left behind by her previous parsnip. The choice is yours: Keep guessing, or put yourself in the running for crime of the century. Of course, you'll probably be something of a long shot for the latter, what with all the bad, bad people tearing the "do not remove under penalty of law" tags off their couch cushions. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail [email protected]