Q: I have always wanted to have a girls-only sex party, but I'm not sure how I feel about actually organizing one. What's the etiquette if I do organize one myself? Do I need to provide the dildos for people's harnesses? Or just the condoms and lube? And how do I find people who want to attend? Do I just tweet out an invite? Is there a better way that makes me seem less sketchy? —No Snappy Acronym
A: What I know about hosting girls-only sex parties could fit inside what I know about the Marvel universe with room left over for what I know about the Higgs boson — and all of that could fit inside Lindsey Graham's chances of being president with room left over for Donald Trump's humanity.
But luckily for you, NSA, I know someone who knows quite a lot about both girl sex and sex parties.
"Hosting a play party is much like hosting any other party," said Allison Moon, a San Francisco–based writer and sex educator. "You want guests to feel welcome and comfortable — this means you provide lube, safer sex supplies, refreshments, and towels and/or puppy pads."
Moon is the author of two popular lesbian werewolf novels — more are hopefully on their way — and the really terrific memoir Bad Dyke: Salacious Stories from a Queer Life. Her most recent book is Girl Sex 101, a terrific sex-ed book "for ladies and lady-lovers of all genders and identities" that features girl-sex wisdom from an array of sex-positive superstars.
Moon has also hosted numerous sex parties, and says hosting a girls-only sex party does not obligate you to break open a piñata full of dildos as your guests arrive.
"Toys are the responsibility of guests," said Moon. "If NSA has a few sparkling-clean vibes and dildos that she doesn't mind using as party favors, by all means put them out. I have a couple of Magic Wands that are great for getting the party started, because there's always someone who's wanted to try one. But she doesn't have to spend a ton of cash outfitting her friends' crotches."
As for finding people who might want to attend your sex party, Moon and I both agree that putting an invite on Twitter — or Facebook or Instagram or Farmers Only or Yik Yak — is a very, very bad idea.
"NSA should stay away from social media to start," said Moon. "Instead, she should make a list of friends who might be down and give them a call to see if they have friends they'd want to bring. Bonus points if she has friends who are up for being used as 'ringers.' Lady parties are notorious for taking hours to warm up — someone has to be the first one in the pool, and a ringer can help get the party started. Or she could consider some ice-breaking games, like spin the bottle, as a goofy way to get the girls ready to grind on each other."
But let's say you don't have any friends who might want to come to your girls-only sex party — or you're too chicken to ask your friends — is there another way?
"If her slutty-friend pool is small, she could look at sites devoted to sex-positive folks, like FetLife or her local chapter of a leather women's group. But she should be super explicit about her women-only policy if she does post anywhere online, and she should also consider screening guests with a phone call. And I strongly recommend a closed-door policy, i.e., folks must arrive by a certain time or they can't come in. This keeps you from having to monitor the door all night so you can enjoy your own damn party."
Q: I'm an early-30s gay man who's never had much success with relationships. However, I'm writing about a female friend of mine. We've known each other since college, and she's generally wonderful but frequently pesters me with some variant of "So, when are you gonna settle down with a nice fella?" I try to deflect these comments without being too confrontational because I realize she wants me to be happy, but she never seems to get how annoying this is. I'd like some way to indicate, "You know relationships are not my forte and you're hurting my feelings," without having to risk hurting hers. —Friend's Annoying Question
A: So you've allowed a friend to hurt your feelings over and over again because you're worried that telling her to knock it the fuck off might hurt her feelings? Speak the fuck up already, FAQ: "I have no idea if I'm ever going to settle down with a fella, nice or otherwise, and it hurts my feelings when you ask about it. So stop asking." If she persists, then either your friend doesn't care that she's hurting your feelings (malice!) or she's too dense to realize this question hurts your feelings despite having been told it hurts your feelings (stupidity!). Then you'll have to ask yourself why you're wasting your time on someone who's malicious, stupid, or both.
Q: I've been my boyfriend's girlfriend for two years. We recently graduated high school and are heading off to different colleges in the fall. Is it stupid for us to stay together? We're in love, he's my best friend, and he's my family. But we haven't had sex yet. We've made some progress (oral, hand stuff, etc.), but we've never had penis-in-vagina sex. I asked for it once, and he informed me that he had a moral conflict with sex. That hardly seems plausible: We've done so much else, and he's not religious at all. Is he just not attracted to me? Is he gay? Sometimes I wonder if the difference we have libido-wise is a deal-breaker. I can picture a sexless yet emotionally happy marriage with him, but I'm not sure how to feel about that.—Confused, Unsexed, Naive Teen
A: First things first: Sometimes I create a sign-off that, once abbreviated, spells out something cute or funny or relevant. This is not one of those times: I did not come up with this letter writer's sign-off.
Okay, CUNT, it's entirely possible that your boyfriend is gay. Speaking from experience: It's easier for a closeted gay boy to pretend his girlfriend is his boyfriend during (non-recip) oral and hand stuff than it is during vaginal intercourse. He could be claiming to have a moral conflict with PIV (penis-in-vagina intercourse) when what he actually has is a strong preference for PIG (penis-in-guy intercourse).
It's also possible that your boyfriend isn't that into you, or he's terrified by the thought of impregnating you, or he actually does have some sort of moral qualm about vaginal penetration. Only your boyfriend knows what's up with him, but here's what we know for sure about you: You're 18 years old, you're headed to college, and you and your boyfriend don't click sexually. Break up. You can get back together in a few years if you're both still single, you're both still straight, and you're both still into each other.
But don't settle for someone whose libido and/or sexual interests don't come close to matching your own, CUNT, because a sexless marriage is only happy when sexless works for both spouses.
On the Lovecast, Dan chats with Matt Baume about heroes of the gay marriage fight: savagelovecast.com.