Q: I have to say I'm disappointed.Proposition 8 passed in California, as did anti-gay-marriage amendments in Florida and Arizona. Decency and compassion suffered a horrible blow, and I was hoping to hear a few words from you about it. Some inspiration before I took off from work to go and protest the Mormon church. Maybe you had your column written already, but couldn't you have pulled an all-nighter in order to write something more relevant? —A Loyal Reader
A: Sorry, ALR, but due to the vagaries of the dead-tree media, I file these columns roughly a week in advance, and it went to press on Tuesday morning, before any election returns were in. (Please note: At my house, "filing a column" doubles as a euphemism for taking a crap. Make of that what you will.)
But here's my election-night reax, a week late, for what it's worth: I voted for Obama, gave money to Obama, and cried when CNN called it for Obama. But the approval of the Mormon-bankrolled anti-gay-marriage amendment in California quickly snuffed my Obama buzz. I had expected anti-gay-marriage amendments in Arizona and Florida to pass, of course, but voters in California — particularly those who voted for Obama, against the rights of same-sex couples, and for the rights of farm animals — came close to ruining election night for me.
But let's look on the bright side of the anti-gay-marriage amendments, shall we? The openly Republican governor of Florida, Charlie Crist — who got engaged to a real live girl when he was in the running to be McCain's VP — won't have to marry a real live girl now. Because it's illegal for gays to get married now in Florida — right, Charlie? And even in California there's a little good news: Voters approved this year's anti-gay-marriage amendment by much smaller margins (52 to 48) than they approved an anti-gay-marriage law back in 2000 (61 to 38). So ... uh ... we're winning, even as we're losing.
But now, to honor Barack Obama's historic victory, I will answer questions that were e-mailed by readers on election night. While you were obsessing about election returns, there were people out there writing to me about ...
Q: I am a completely straight guy. I am madly in love with my girlfriend. One night, she was giving me oral and stuck a finger in my ass. I was uncomfortable at first, but I began to like it. I found it felt so good. Now my girlfriend asked if I wanted to try a butt plug. At first I said, "Yes!" But now, the more I think about it, I am starting to think it may be gay. My question: Is there something gay about using a butt plug? —Guy With Anal Interests
A: I've dedicated my life to reassuring panicky straight boys that a little anal stimulation won't make 'em gay. My oft-stated position: If a guy and a girl are doing it during sex — whatever it is, whatever it looks like — it's straight sex. And, yes, that includes a pair of straight girls making out to turn on a straight boy, as well as the far less common straight-boys-making-out-to-turn-on-a-straight-girl scenario.
But no more. From now on I intend to sow gay panic when and where I can. Maybe straight men, who voted in overwhelming numbers for the various anti-gay shit on their ballots, won't be so quick to strip gay people of their civil rights if they're worried that one false move — or one finger up the butt — can turn them gay. So for the record, breeder boys: A finger in the butt can make you gay, using a butt plug can make you gay, doing it doggy-style can make you gay, playing with your nipples can make you gay, fucking a woman in the ass can make you gay, wiping from front-to-back can make you gay, standing up to pee can make you gay, and watching dudes hump dudes on ESPN — Ultimate Fighting Championship — for sure makes you gay.
Q: I hope you can help. My boyfriend gets home from Afghanistan next week, and I want to surprise him with anal. I can't find anything online about preparing for it. I don't want to be messy. It's always clean in porn videos. Please advise. —Desperate
A: Careful there, Desperate, I'd hate to see your boyfriend turn gay. But if you want to risk it, get your hands on a copy of Tristan Taormino's The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. But don't blame me if he wants to gay marry you afterward.
Q: I'm a 21-year-old bi guy, and I was recently hanging out at my university's Queer Collective when the issue of the F-word came up. I argued that it was OK to use the word so long as it's not derogatory. The lesbians, however, thought that it was disgusting slang, almost like using the N-word to describe black people. What do I do, Dan? Is the F-word off limits? —Flabbergasted About Glossary
A: The F-word should only be used to describe voters in California, Florida, and Arizona who cast ballots for Obama and their state's anti-gay-marriage amendments.
We are talking about the word "fuckers," right?
Q: I have a question of a more medical nature for you. My husband and I have been married four months, both virgins at the time of marriage. We have sex three or four times a week and always use lube. The problem is that sex is very painful for me. On my back or from behind is uncomfortable, but tolerable. Me on top is unbearable. My husband is aware, and sensitive, to this issue. He makes sure I'm relaxed and will change positions or stop when I ask. Will it get any better? I want to have sex without any hesitation. —Painful Intercourse Needs To Stop
A: Here's an idea that might help, PINTS: Have more sex but less vaginal intercourse. Get some oral-sex sessions into the mix, along with some mutual-masturbation sessions; in other words, sex you can have without hesitation right now. Then go see a doc to make sure there isn't a medical issue here. If there isn't, slowly work vaginal intercourse back into the mix, experimenting with new positions and lubricants, without eliminating oral and mutual masturbation as stand-alone sex acts you can enjoy with the husband and sex acts you can transition to when vaginal intercourse isn't working for you.
Q: I'm a straight white boy of 25 who is very excited about Obama's victory and the landslide in Congress. Proposition 8 is still undecided, though, while they count votes. I wanted you to know that I'm rooting for you, my uncle, his partner — his husband, actually, as of last week — and every gay man and woman in California. —Stephen
A: Thanks for the note, Stephen, but Proposition 8 was decided by the time I got it. My condolences to your uncle and his husband.Download Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage