Pregnant pauses, problems

Jan 15, 2003 at 12:00 am

Q: Usually, I love your open, honest, thoughtful advice, but what you said to Momma Violates Poppa, the sexually frustrated pregnant woman whose husband won’t sleep with her, was as cruel as what her husband’s doing to her. Yes, it’s possible that her husband’s just plain not turned on. But no sex with the love of her life for nine months? I think that garners more than “Maybe you’re just too ugly for him right now, sweetie.” How about suggesting that they talk about it honestly and openly. Seeing as how they’ve been married for five years, who better for him to open up to than her? —Honesty On Tap

A: Your advice is nice in theory, HOT, but do you really think that MVP’s husband is in any position to tell her the truth? Can you picture it?

Mrs. MVP: “We need to talk about what’s going on in our sex life, honey. So, tell me, what’s going on?”

Mr. MVP: “Your pregnant body and/or the presence of our unborn child is/are a huge turnoff for me.”

I wouldn’t want to be trying to get any sleep in the apartment next door the night Mr. MVP opened up to Mrs. MVP. There are certain things straight men are not allowed to say to pregnant women (especially women they’ve impregnated), and “you don’t turn me on right now, honey” is at the top of the list.

Q: I’m complaining about your thoughtless reply to “Mama Violates Poppa.” If a man is so put off by the pregnant belly he helped make, then maybe he shouldn’t be making babies in the first place. Why not recommend that this couple speak to their OB/GYN to help settle any concerns that the husband might have about hurting the baby, or even a little couples counseling to work through this issue. —Talk It Out

A: So Mrs. MVP drags Mr. MVP to an OB/GYN and a shrink and they ... what? Order him to fuck her? Administer electric shocks until Mr. MVP can get it up? Sorry, TIO, but if Mr. MVP is simply and sincerely goobed-out by the thought of having vaginal intercourse with his wife while his unborn child floats around at the top of the vaginal canal, there’s very little his wife’s OB/GYN can do about it. Luckily for Mrs. MVP, no one is pregnant forever.

Q: It sounds like MVP needs to lay off with the maternity-sex PSAs and not try quite so hard. But Dan: “So tell your husband that nothing is expected of him over the next few months.” Come on! Look, I know you boys can’t force an erection. However, because he doesn’t immediately go sha-wing at the sight of her round belly does not mean that he cannot be aroused by her, by oral sex or by an adult video playing in the bedroom. And once he’s aroused, I’d say it’s more than likely that he can stay that way and have intercourse with her. —No Acronym

A: Do you honestly think all the women out there who want to cut my balls off for telling Mrs. MVP the truth would be smiling on me if I’d written, “Oh, gee, why not pop in an adult video so that your husband can look at that instead of your big, round belly and then maybe, just maybe, he’ll be able to keep it up long enough to fuck you”? I hardly think advising Mr. MVP to look at porn when his wife is in the room — you know, the same wife he’s obligated to find attractive — will be any better received than the infinitely more realistic advice I gave MVP. And remember, my advice to MVP did not rule out cuddling, mutual masturbation, or even oral sex. In fact, I think Mr. MVP is likelier to engage in those mutually pleasurable, no-spoogin’-on-junior activities if Mrs. MVP lets him know that vaginal intercourse isn’t expected of him just now.

Q: Call me a naive 21-year-old who has no kids, but I think MVP’s husband is a real asshole. Most men — real men! — find pregnant women sexy because they have respect for women and their bodies’ female processes. —Not Impressed With You

A: Yes, yes, NIWY: Some men do find pregnant women attractive, and God bless them, and I hope and pray that they’re the majority of men.

Q: My wife recently gave birth to our adorable baby daughter and I have something to say to the pregnant wife who can’t get any: Unfortunately, I think Dan might be right. A woman’s pregnant body is beautiful in concept, but beautiful in the way that a mountain gorilla or a panda bear is beautiful. As lovely as a pregnant woman is, it’s just not that hot to screw a panda bear. —Baby Maker, Baby Thinker

A: Thanks for sharing, you asshole.

Q: Thanks for your blunt answer to the pregnant woman. I just went through an identical experience. You were right: After the baby comes, sex goes back to its normal, wonderful self, if at different times of the day. —Sexually Sated New Mom

A: Thanks for sharing, SSNM, and I hope you’re getting nailed good and hard morning, noon and naptime.

Q: I’d like to add a bit to your response to MVP, the pregnant woman whose husband wouldn’t boff her. When I was pregnant with both of my kids, my husband readily admitted that the idea of having sex when his kid being inches away gave him the creeps. Unfortunately, part of the deal with pregnancy is hormonal changes that can make the woman much hornier than usual. I sure miss that part. I would advise MVP to enjoy the ride, and play with herself with wild abandon. Maybe she could find an accommodating guy with a kink for pregnant women. —Please Withhold Name

A: Thanks for sharing, PWN. But where would MVP find an accommodating guy with a kink for pregnant women? Why, right here in Savage Love of course...

Q: Plenty of guys like me think pregnant women are hot. But finding a beautiful preggo partner can be a challenge. Most traditional venues for hooking up (bars, clubs) don’t really cater to pregnant women. Here’s a solution: Next time MVP goes to the maternity store, she should introduce herself to any guy who comes into the store by himself. Why? Because guys who go to maternity stores alone are only there to check out the preggo babes. I guarantee that MVP will find a guy who will happily take care of her husband’s neglected duties. —Preggo Fan

A: I don’t know what’s creepier: The idea of men with pregnancy fetishes cruising maternity stores, the term “preggo” or you, Preggo Fan.

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