Not with my wife, I don’t

Apr 2, 2003 at 12:00 am

Q: I just read your column devoted to people in sexless relationships. But you didn’t cover being in a sexless relationship while raising kids. My wife and I had two kids right off the bat. She doubled her weight and got depressed. That was eight years ago and we’ve probably had sex a dozen times since. I’ve kept myself in shape, but she has no interest. And of course she has not tried to keep herself in shape, so I don’t find her attractive. Getting divorced because I’m not getting any seems selfish, as the kids are innocent in this mess.

She won’t let me mess around; I’ve asked. I go back and forth between wanting to find a fuckbuddy on the side and telling myself “too bad” for 10 more years. I’d prefer that my wife drop half her weight and take the stick out of her ass. But I can’t force her to do those things. Any advice? —At Least I’m Fucked One Way

A: If you’re staying together for the kids — which I support — then do what you need to do to keep yourself sane enough to be a good father and a respectful, pleasant partner in the shared business of child-raising. And while you do what you need to do, you should let her think what she needs to think so that she can be a sane mother and a good partner in the kid biz. Just don’t get caught.

Q: Just a quick note to Bore Boy. If he wants to have sex with a bored woman, all he has to do is get married. Speaking from my experience, a wife is bored nine times out of 10 at the idea of sleeping with their husband, especially after the first couple kids. So, Bore Boy, get hitched and be fruitful, and I guarantee all your fantasies will come true. —Been There Often

A: Thanks for sharing, BTO.

Q: I am a 15-year-old kid who lacks self-esteem, self-confidence, and good looks. I’ve spent my entire life without a kiss from a girl; I even spent a year thinking I was in love with my sister. My right hand is in extreme pain from the amount of whacking I do. I’m looking for some advice on how to get off my ass and go get that girl. But girls just don’t seem to want me. I even have a hard time talking to girls. —Boy In Need Of Sex

A: There’s nothing remarkable about being 15, horny and hard-up. And don’t be such a whiner. You haven’t gone 15 years without a kiss from a girl. Before you hit puberty you probably weren’t even that interested in girls, so at most you’ve gone without for three years, not 15. If you can stop wallowing in self-pity you’ll have an easier time keeping your problem in perspective. Here’s a few more perspectives you may or may not find comforting: That crush on your sister? That sometimes happens to straight boys. You hit puberty, your sister hits puberty — and suddenly she’s a strange new animal, barely recognizable. Soon you’re thinking some mighty discomforting thoughts. But then the ol’ reliable incest taboo starts whispering in your ear — “She’s your fucking sister, you fucking pervert!” — and you snap out of it. If you didn’t get your sister pregnant or wind up with a creepy incest fetish, BINOS, you got through it fine. On to your real heartache: Girls don’t want you. That hurts. I remember what it was like when I was 15 years old and I wanted boys and boys didn’t want me. It sucks. But the sad fact is that most 15-year-old boys are repulsive — that is, most 15-year-old boys are awkward, half-formed works in progress. I certainly was at 15. The fact that girls mature physically more quickly than boys just compounds your misery. Most girls your age already look like young women and most are attracted to boys who look like young men — and there you are, aching for that first kiss but still looking like a short, hairless chimp that no girl will give a second look.

But take heart, BINOS, because your awkward/repulsive stage will pass, just like that crush on your sister. While you can’t hurry the process along, you can prepare. Here’s how: Worry less about getting your 15-year-old self laid and start thinking about getting your 18- or 20-year-old self laid. Join a gym and build yourself a body that girls will find irresistible; read a lot so that you’ll have something to say to the girls you do attract; get out of the house and do shit — political shit, social shit, low-stakes shit — so that you’ll meet different kinds of girls in different kinds of settings and you’ll get comfortable talking to them.

Get a decent haircut, use deodorant, floss your teeth, take regular showers and wear clean clothes. Use the Internet to learn about birth control, STDs — and learn enough about the clitoris so that you’ll be able to find one in the dark. Masturbate in moderation — no more than 10 times a day — and vary your routine. I can’t emphasize this last point enough. A vagina does not feel exactly like a clenched fist, BINOS, and neither does a mouth, an anus, tit-fucking or humping. If you don’t want to be sending me another pathetic letter in a few years, you’ll vary your routine now so that you’ll be able to respond to different kinds, levels and intensities of sexual stimulation once you do become sexually active. Good luck, kiddo.

Q: I don’t get mad when my boyfriend jerks off or looks at porn. But I’ve gotten progressively more jealous about his online activities. Can you tell me where, if anywhere, in this progression of events my boyfriend crossed the line? 1) Posting naked photos of himself on a Web site; 2) Exchanging explicit e-mails and photos with women; 3) Chatting with women for hours on end, including exchanging photos and viewing Web cams; 4) Receiving a phone call from a woman he chatted with. I think I’m being too nice, and he thinks I’m being jealous and paranoid. What do you think? —Pretty Please, Will You Print My Letter?

A: I’m all for understanding, indulgent girlfriends (and boyfriends) who allow their men to be men, i.e. allow their men to check out other people (even if they’re only sleeping with you); to jerk off without guilt or drama (because they’re going to do it anyway); and to “consume” pornography (because that can help a guy keep his natural, hard-wired must-fuck-other-people urges under control). However, PPWYPML, there’s a point at which being understanding and indulgent crosses the line, and you’re just being a doormat and a fool. You do sound nice — too nice — but your boyfriend sounds like an asshole and he clearly doesn’t deserve you. He’s cheating on you or about to, rubbing your nose in it, then accusing you of being jealous and paranoid when you object. Dump him already.

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