Down in the mouth

Hey Dan, about your response to HACB: I upset a few women before I realized I couldn’t get off from head alone, no matter how great it got or felt. When I figured it out and started to explain to women that head didn’t do it for me, most just tried harder. They wanted to be the one who finally managed to suck it out. Once in a while women will try too hard and I’ll have to speak up to prevent my skin from getting sucked off the shaft. —Orgasms Resonant Ass Loads

Good advice for HACB. I am a straight guy who has never had much of a thing for blow jobs. I found them sexy as hell and a nice warm-up for sex, but I’ve never been able to come from a blow job alone. The times I was able to come involved additional stimulation. In addition to trying different oral techniques, HACB could try mixing in hand stimulation and see if that helps. And if HACB can handle it, her guy might be able to get off if she lets him fuck her face. I let my girlfriend work her magic for a good 20 minutes or so, which gets me about 80 percent there. Then I fuck her face to completion, being careful not to go too deep. This may work for HACB’s guy if all else fails. —Difficult Blow Job Cummers Unite

I’m one of those guys. I’ve had good ones and I’ve had bad ones, but I’ve never felt even close to coming from a blow job alone. I’ve had girlfriends who put in serious work on that front, and some who loved to swallow, and that would start with them giving head, but end up with me finishing myself off and them latching on at the last moment to get it all. And I must say, it’s never been a disappointment! I still love being blown!

The difficult part was getting over my hang-ups about jacking it in front of a girl. I mean, we’re raised to feel shame about performing the act, so to deliberately perform it … and into or onto someone else? Scary! —The Happy Wanker

I’m writing in response to "Having A Cock Block," the woman who had trouble bringing her ex-boyfriend to orgasm orally.

Penises are like dogs: You can train them to do tricks (roll over, play dead, beg), but you can’t control them. All but one of the girls I have slept with hated giving blow jobs. One girl I was with would gag, cough and retch if even the smallest taste of semen hit her tongue. I was with her for eight years and my penis has been trained to not come by oral sex.

Luckily my wife loves blow jobs — and the taste of semen. She was patient with my disobedient penis and we managed to retrain it. So try not to be too upset at a penis that is not coming on demand and don’t take disobedience from a penis personally. Sometimes a penis needs a bit of retraining. —Be Patient With The Penises

I second your advice to the woman who dated Paul, the guy who went limp halfway through a 45-minute (!) blow job. As a 32-year-old straight male that has never come through being blown (or jerked off, for that matter, by anyone but myself), I had an ambivalent relationship to head. On one hand, I loved the sight and feel of a woman going down on me; on the other, I hated the feeling that by not getting off that way I was some kind of freak, that I wasn’t showing the proper "appreciation" for what she was doing. It was easy to feel like the lone anorgasmic freak in a sea of guys who blow loads at the first touch of lips to wang.

A few years ago, you ran some e-mails from men who can’t come through intercourse — they have to whack off to finish — and one of the best points you made was that the women’s movement has done a great job of explaining to the world how complicated female sexual responses are. Women are no longer considered abnormal if they don’t get off through vaginal intercourse alone. A woman may need other kinds of stimulation, she may need to do it herself, she may not come every time or at all, and so on. Yet there has not been a corresponding correction to the image of men’s sexuality, which is that we’re all premature ejaculators, as easy to pop as a squeeze bottle of ketchup.

Keep telling the people how it is: Male sexual response is not monolithic, and it shouldn’t be. It is not "sad" when a man cannot get his rocks off from being sucked. (I had a woman tell me that once — just before I dumped her.) A woman is not a freak because she can’t come from the same things that get another woman off. Everyone needs to learn that the same is true of men. —Can’t Understand Many Women’s Attitudes, Dude

A few years ago, I wrote to you regarding my inability to achieve orgasm by receiving oral sex. (I’m a straight male — not the getting-sucked-off-by-some-dude-on-the-side kind of straight male you sometimes take questions from, but the real, meat-and-potato, pussy-loving kind of straight male.) You were kind enough to respond to my query, saying some guys simply can’t, but that it might happen at some point in the future. Your assurances put my mind at ease, and made my inability to nut easier to express, in spite of the sometimes incredulous responses I got from women.

The bottom line is, some just can’t. And for those of us for whom it is nearly impossible to get off from a nice blow job, any imperfection in technique can be an absolute no-go. So tell HACB that she needs to communicate effectively, and that even if the guy can’t blow, he’s probably having a ball watching her go to town. Just put a time limit on it, so her jaw doesn’t fall off.

As for me, I am now in my early 30s, and just moved in with a woman I am going to marry. The sex is great, we are both GGG to the extreme, have a wonderful collection of his-and-hers sex toys, and a fantastic relationship outside of the sex, too. And, incidentally, she gave me a hummer when we started dating that blew my fucking mind, and caused my first-ever orally induced orgasm at age 30. So, there you go.

Thanks again for the laughs and advice. —A Faithful Reader

My long-term boyfriend is a 30-year-old straight guy who has never gotten off from a blow job — from me or anyone else. However, the other night I decided to try a little longer than usual. Well … he got really, really close. His body said he was close, he said he was close, and as I’m getting ready for the big moment when … he farted. Farted! Really loudly! He said he guessed it was just because he was so relaxed. I didn’t take it personally, but it was certainly weird. —Farted In My Face

Your observation that some men are not able to come from blow jobs needs an addendum: There are some women who cannot come from having their pussies eaten. I am one of them. It is not a matter of the eater’s skill. It is not a psychological hang-up on my part. I like having my pussy eaten as foreplay. But it just doesn’t get me off.

The only truly mind-blowing orgasms I’ve ever had were from sexual intercourse — and it has to be "just right." I’ve concluded that in my case the G-spot HAS to be stimulated either directly or indirectly, and that this simply doesn’t occur when my pussy is being eaten.

The persistence with which sexperts insist that cunnilingus somehow guarantees female orgasm bewilders me. I’m sure the guys who can’t get the physical stimulation they need to come from blow jobs feel the same way. —Favors Upright Cock Kindling My Embers Send letters to [email protected]

About The Author

Dan Savage

Dan Savage is a sex-advice columnist, podcaster, and author, and has appeared on numerous television shows. His sex advice column “Savage Love” first appeared in The Stranger, Seattle’s alternative weekly, in 1991. The column is now syndicated across the United States and Canada. He has published six books...
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