Don't rubber the wrong way

Q: My marriage of nearly 30 years is grinding to a slow and painful death. Since my wife had her tubes tied before I met her, I have never used a condom. When I am going to have sex with a woman, when do I put the condom on? Right before I put it in? Before we start having sex? Do I put one on before the date and leave it on all night, just in case? (Just kidding.) I'm sure many may laugh at that question, but I'll bet there are some who are going to be paying close attention to your answer. —Need to Know

A: According to leading condom experts, you put the condom on after your dick is hard but before you stick it in your sex partners. I hope that clears things up. I'd like to address the real issue at the bottom of your problem: You want me to tell you how and when to put the condom on because you're afraid of appearing inept. If you make a mistake putting on that first-ever condom, your partner will realize that this is the first time you have ever used a condom. Once she realizes you've never used a condom before, you worry that she'll point at your dick and laugh, get up and get dressed, then go home and call her girlfriends and tell them you're inept. Let me clue you in to something, NTK: No decent sex partner expects her lover to be an expert at something the first time he tries it. We're all inept and nervous the first time we, say, use a condom, eat pussy or release our bowels while squatting over Ann Coulter's face. First-time jitters are forgivable — but your partner can only forgive your first-time jitters if they know it’s your first time. If you lead your sex partner to believe that you're an expert at putting on condoms, eating pussy or defecating on Ann Coulter (DOAC for short), then they'll be annoyed when you turn out to be inept at putting on condoms, eating pussy or DOAC. Your partner will then be forced to conclude that you lied about being experienced or, worse yet, that you didn't lie. ("He's had years of practice using condoms/eating pussy/DOAC and he's still lousy at it! Christ!") So here's what you do: If it's your first time using condoms/eating pussy/DOAC, tell your partner. Promise to give it your best shot, then ask your partner for help, pointers and encouragement. That way, your partner will be rooting for you, forgiving your missteps and offering words of encouragement (or cups of coffee in Ann's case), instead of wondering why you're so friggin' inept.

Q: I am dating a Japanese girl who is so into keeping her pubic area hair-free that she actually plucks the hairs out. Previous girlfriends had trimmed a bit off the top, but none plucked themselves hairless! Since we got together, my girlfriend has asked me to do the plucking for her and I have happily obliged. This has been going on for about five months. Now the tables (or the tweezers) have been turned: She wants to pluck me. I'll admit it: I'm a wimp and I don't want to experience the pain of plucking. She claims that this is unfair since I pluck her. I've reminded her that she asks me to pluck her, not the other way around. Now she is growing out her bush to spite me, although our sex life remains passionate. Am I being a hypocrite? —Plucker Not Pluckee

A: No, you're not being a hypocrite. Let's say I enjoyed being hit in the face with a cream pie during sex. It would be within my rights to ask my boyfriend to indulge me, and it would be decent of him to indulge me in my passion for pies. But indulging me in my passion does not obligate my boyfriend to submit to being hit with a cream pie himself. So, yes, I believe your girlfriend should allow you to continue plucking her without demanding the same right in return. However, you have come to enjoy plucking your girlfriend and you prefer your girlfriend plucked. She would prefer you plucked — and your enjoyment of plucking/plucked gives her some leverage. Blackmail is an ugly business, PNP, but I'm afraid your girlfriend has the advantage. Just because she enjoys being plucked doesn't mean she has to allow you to pluck her. If she wants to remain unplucked so that you will endure a plucking to regain the right to pluck her, well, that's her right.

Q: I'm a male college student who's working to become a teacher. I really love kids a lot — for many reasons — but there's one problem: Even though I love kids because they're interesting, fun to work with and all-around great, I have a sexual attraction to them, mainly boys. I would never hurt one intentionally and have never hurt one, but the attraction is always there. Am I a pedophile? What can I do? I'm really ashamed of my feelings because I do love kids. —Scared And Depressed Because Of Youngsters

A: Are you a pedophile? Yes, you're a pedophile. Worse yet, you're a fucking clueless pedophile.

You are the last person on earth who should be going into teaching. You don't need a teaching certificate, SADBOY, you need a therapist, someone who can help you understand, control, and refrain from ever — ever! — acting on your desires. If you surround yourself with children for all your working life, one day a "special boy" is going to come along. Even if he tells you he's sexually attracted to you, and even if you dupe yourself into believing that he's mature enough to give his consent, it will still be rape. If the boy's parents find out, they'll call the police. Or if they don't find out, years later the boy you molested, now a man, may decide that what you did damaged him, and he'll call the police. And you? You will go to jail for the rest of your life — which may be short, since child molesters aren't the most popular people in prison. Get into therapy, SADBOY. You're going to have to police your desires for the rest of your life, and to do that you're going to need help. It will be easier to keep your hands off kids if you're not surrounded by them all day, every day, for the rest of your working life.

Q: In response to the man who wanted to know if there were people who loved big balls, yes! I love and admire big balls, whether men are trying to hide their baubles under their pants or swinging them in the shower room or putting them on display on the Internet. Balls are basic sexual equipment and deserve to be celebrated! Here is a Web site that does just that: —Tasty Enough Swing Them Enormous Spheres

A: Thanks for sharing, TESTES. Dan Savage's new book, Skipping Towards Gomorrah: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Pursuit of Happiness in America (Dutton), goes on sale October 10. Send your Savage Love questions to [email protected]

About The Author

Dan Savage

Dan Savage is a sex-advice columnist, podcaster, and author, and has appeared on numerous television shows. His sex advice column “Savage Love” first appeared in The Stranger, Seattle’s alternative weekly, in 1991. The column is now syndicated across the United States and Canada. He has published six books...
Scroll to read more Savage Love articles


Join Detroit Metro Times Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.