Q: I have been with my husband for four and a half years. I am currently very frustrated. My husband cannot maintain an erection while performing oral sex on me. He manually stimulates himself while giving me oral sex. I feel rejected, because shouldn’t the act of giving pleasure to someone you love and find attractive be pleasurable for you as well?
He says he enjoys the oral and offers it almost every time we have sex, but I would just as soon take it out of the equation at this point. Instead of being a turn-on for me, I end up being turned off. He also spends a fairly significant amount of time looking at shoe- and foot-fetish sites on the Internet. If he put 10 percent of the effort into our sex life that he does into beating off to his form of porn, maybe I would feel better. —Frustrated Midwestern Breeder Chick
A. Before we begin, FMBC, you might want to brace yourself for a tongue-lashing — oh, and you can rest assured that I won’t be stroking myself while I give it to you.
Okay, here we go: Do you have any idea how many women would kill to be in your position? Do you have any idea how many letters I get every damn day from women whose husbands won’t eat them out at all, ever, stroking themselves or not, much less every time they have sex? And there you sit, with a husband who offers to eat your pussy every time you have sex, and you’re complaining about the fact that he likes to stroke himself while he eats you out? Are you out of your fucking mind?
So he strokes himself while he eats you out. So what?! As for why he strokes himself, well, there are three possible explanations. Since I can’t ask your husband which one applies — and you don’t want me talking to him, lady, because I might advise him to divorce your ass — let me walk you through all three:
1.) Yes, the act of giving pleasure to someone you love and find attractive should be pleasur-able, dope, but there are times when giving someone pleasure is work. And oral sex is one of those pleasure-giving activities that, while some enjoy performing it very much, others do it for the person on the receiving end. Even a guy who loves nothing better than sucking dick or eating pussy will sometimes find it slightly monotonous, even uncomfortable, but he hangs in there because he wants to make the person he’s going down on feel good. That doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to you. It doesn’t mean he’s not enjoying it. It just means he’s focused on your pleasure — which is not something you should bitch about. Lie back, enjoy his tongue, and stop worrying about his right hand.
2.) Has it occurred to you that maybe he’s stroking himself because he’s turned on? Men who are turned on tend to stroke themselves, you freaking dumb ass. When he looks at his Internet porn, he strokes himself because he’s turned on. He doesn’t sit in front of the computer and have spontaneous orgasms, does he?
3.) You seem pretty ignorant about male arousal, so here’s a primer: You’re a woman. You get aroused, you get wet, you stay wet. Your wetness isn’t the result of a constant flow — you’re not a turned-on tap. As your arousal level rises and falls, you may get more wet, but you can take it for granted that you’re going to stay pretty consistently wet, whatever the level of your arousal. Your husband’s a guy. As his arousal levels rise and fall, his dick does too, just as the amount of wetness you produce comes in wee waves. Most guys need constant stimulation to stay fully erect. The only way for his dick to get constant stim when he’s eating you out is for him to stroke himself. It doesn’t mean he’s not turned on! Christ!
Finally, on the subject of your husband’s fetishes: You can choose to resent his fetishes and complain about them, thereby making him regard you as an obstacle to his sexual fulfillment, FMBC, and not the source of his sexual fulfillment, a move that will drive a wedge into your sex life and potentially destroy your marriage. Or you can choose to turn his fetishes to your advantage, shitferbrains! If you want him to stay hard without touching himself while he eats your pussy, then plant one of your fucking feet in his crotch while he goes down on you. Better yet, put on a pair of high heels the next time he offers to go down on you and grind your heels into his balls and dick while he eats you out. I guarantee you his dick will stay hard the whole time.
Q: I recently made a kinky discovery with my wife of four years. I have long been intrigued by golden showers, but we’ve never acted on the fetish. But I discovered a new fetish: My wife allows me to lick her clean after she urinates. For some reason it turns me on like crazy. She let me try it a few times, and one night when I was licking it up it was very sweet. I asked her what she drank, because the last drops of her urine were as sweet as Kool-Aid. She said she had tea with Sweet’n Low. It turns out that the human body absorbs sugar for energy but Sweet’n Low passes right through your system. I’m not sure how many urine lickers there are out there, but I thought I would pass on the sweet news. —Sweet Pee in St. Louis
A: On behalf of the pee-lapping community, SPISL, thank you for sharing the good-to-the-last-drop news.
But I’m not running your letter for the small number of pee-lappers out there reading this. I’m running it to give hope to all the young, single people who read letters from unhappy, sexually frustrated married people in my column and then write to ask if there’s something about being married that destroys your sex life. No, kids, there isn’t. You can be married and enjoy an exciting, mutually pleasurable, wildly adventurous sex life — provided, of course, that you have the good sense (or the good luck) to marry someone who’s good, giving and game, and that you and your partner are both willing to be open and make compromises.
Reading between the lines of SPISL’s letter, it seems clear that his wife wasn’t comfortable pissing on him — he’s never had a golden shower — but he was open with her about his kink, and eventually they found a mutually agreeable way to indulge him: SPISL gets to lick his wife clean after she takes a piss, which turns SPISL on like crazy and led to his discovery about Sweet’n Low. (The results of SPISL’s experiments have yet to be verified, of course, but we’re working on it here at Savage Labs. I’ll give a full report when my intern returns from his holiday break and drinks the cup of piss I left on his desk.) While some may find the activity that SPISL and his wife are engaging in off-putting, surely everyone reading this can appreciate the uplifting moral to the story. Which is this: There are tons of happily married, sexually fulfilled couples out there. If that’s the kind of relationship you want, don’t settle for a partner who isn’t good, giving and game, and be a good, giving and game partner yourself.Contact Dan Savage at [email protected]