PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTThis document denotes a full and legally binding matrimonial contract between Jennifer L. Lopez of Hollywood, Calif. (hereinafter referred to as the TALENT) and Stephen A. Schneider of Winter Park, Fla. (hereinafter referred to as the HANGER-ON). The terms and conditions stipulated herein shall go into immediate effect should the TALENT win a summary judgment against previous signatory Benjamin G. Affleck (hereinafter referred to as the ONE WHO'S NOT DAMON) and instead elect to take the HANGER-ON's hand in marriage.
(1) Conjugal duties.
(a) The HANGER-ON shall have carnal knowledge of the TALENT a minimum of seven (7) times per week. There shall be no maximum. In the event that the TALENT and the HANGER-ON are unable to agree on the frequency, intensity and/or duration of intercourse, a licensed psychotherapist will be brought in to determine just how much wall-wrecking coitus is essential to buttress the TALENT's patently puny self-esteem. (The solicitation and payment of said mental-health professional shall be entirely at the discretion of the HANGER-ON.)
(b) The figure arrived at by the therapist shall in no way be construed as a cap or ceiling, with the TALENT entitled to increase the incidence of copulation proportionally as the years accrue, her physical attributes sag and her career options wither and die. Legal precedent for this provision may be found in Joan Collins v. State of California.
(c) To protect the TALENT's best interests, the sexual component of this contract shall be ironclad, with no leeway allowed for destructive second thoughts. The TALENT will not be entitled to dilute the agreement through the use of such phrases as "headache," "terrible mistake" or "bodily odor." Neither will she try to float the argument that she was whacked out on SKYY Blue during the period of contractual negotiation.
(d) Should the HANGER-ON at any time prove momentarily incapable of performing his appointed tasks - due to external factors including (but not limited to) physical fatigue and psychological stress - he shall be entitled to one exemption per week. He shall initiate this temporary grace period by presenting the TALENT with a specially created token to be known as the "Get out of J. Lo free" card.
(2) Marital assets.
The respective incomes of the TALENT and the HANGER-ON shall determine their expected levels of contribution to the family's financial affairs. Therefore, the TALENT shall be responsible for 99.999998 percent of all expenditures, while the HANGER-ON will be required to carefully monitor Target circulars for deep discounts on holiday whites. (See attached Addendum A, lyric sheet, "Love Don't Cost a Thing," Sony Music, 2001.) Should the TALENT suffer an unforeseen and dramatic reversal of her personal fortunes, the HANGER-ON will be obligated to pitch in by putting up for auction his extensive collection of pogs, which are really going to be worth something someday.
(3) Social obligations.
In order to maintain parity of publicity, the TALENT shall escort the HANGER-ON to the various and sundry social functions she is customarily called upon to attend, including the Academy Awards and the Grammys. The HANGER-ON, in turn, will squire the TALENT to the public assemblies that define his lifestyle, including weenie roasts, pet/owner costume contests and relatives' probation hearings. In all instances, the TALENT shall walk four steps ahead of the HANGER-ON, though both shall enjoy equal latitude to hurl expletives at paparazzi.
The TALENT agrees to clothe the HANGER-ON in the finest suits from Prada, offering the services of her personal seamstress whenever his waist measurement advances by yet another inch. As his own contribution to the family's sartorial security, the HANGER-ON promises to be sensitive in his critiques of the TALENT's eveningwear choices, refraining from passing any comments that begin, "I see London, I see France."
(5) The Cell.
For the sake of the matrimonial harmony, the HANGER-ON will pretend he never saw it.
Should the TALENT and the HANGER-ON ever join in the revelry at a Manhattan nightclub, and should said gathering turn into a melee when members of the HANGER-ON's posse open fire on belligerent patrons, the hailing of a getaway limousine shall fall to the TALENT. In return for said consideration, the HANGER-ON shall not compel the TALENT to hide a pistol in her underwear, though he may on occasion ask her to store a paintball gun in a Chock Full 'o Nuts can.
(a) Misstatements made by the HANGER-ON will be met with steep monetary punishment. The fines shall be: $1 million for a major lie; $500,000 for a deliberate falsehood; $100,000 for a misrepresentation; $50,000 for a little white lie; $10,000 for a half-truth; $1,000 for a sin of omission; and $49.95 for a creative exaggeration.
(b) Cheating, in contrast, shall incur losses of a wholly testicular nature.
(c) The TALENT may, at her discretion, combine the taxation and dismemberment options should the HANGER-ON engage in simultaneous lying and cheating. One hypothetical scenario: The HANGER-ON is caught making late-night calls to Mariah Carey, then attempts to convince the TALENT that said actress/vocalist is "going through a tough time" and "just needs a friend right now."
(8) Dissolution of the marriage.
Violation of any three (3) of the aforementioned terms shall entitle the TALENT to a swift severance of the marital bonds. She will also be awarded the sum of $25,000,000 for emotional distress and time served. In the unlikely event that the HANGER-ON is the wronged party, he will be given his pogs back. He will also retain the right to publish a tell-all book about the ill-fated marriage, provided that said tome is written entirely in Navajo.
Signed this 11th day of December in the year of our Lord 2002,Steve Schneider writes for the Orlando Weekly, where this feature first appeared. Send comments to [email protected]