Feb 9, 2005 at 12:00 am

HAVE A HEART: Valentine’s Day is upon us once again, a holiday that will guarantee you a night in the doghouse if you don’t get your sweetie a card … or, at the very least, an e-card. But what if you’re one of the many bitter, single people who loathe this occasion? Or you recently had your heart trounced upon and deeply resent the mushy lovey-dovey couples who blatantly mock your pain with their every public display of affection? Or maybe you just think it’s a stupid commercialized holiday?

Boy, do we have a Web site for you! Stop over at and you’ll be sure to find an e-card that’s right up your embittered alley. How can one not love a Web site that offers the following logic: “Valentine’s Day is like herpes: just when you think its gone for good, it rears its ugly head once more. No wonder some people prefer to call it VD.” The site allows you to send e-cards with touching sentiments such as “You’ll do” and “Please don’t reproduce.” Even better: The site also offers similarly angsty T-shirts, paper cards, mugs and more — and a portion of the proceeds goes to tsunami relief efforts, so these folks aren’t totally heartless after all.

If you’d rather go the route of paper cards, Ann Arborite Tim Furstnau has a lovely selection of decidedly un-saccharine offerings at They include gems like: “Fuck holidays and fuck words on paper” and “Something always prevents me from killing you.”

Or, if you’re truly resentful, at you can order up a batch of custom-made candy hearts with the slogan of your choice (and it ain’t cheap). We’d suggest “BLOW ME” or “DIE BITCH,” but the site warns that it has the right to refuse “obscene or tasteless phrases.” Hmm, wonder if “I H8 U” would pass muster?

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