The Wonder Twins, D'Anne and Laura Witkowski, report from the trenches of the Blowout fest, Day One.
Laura: Blowout! Day ONE! This is your first ever Blowout and MY second! Though last year I dutifully volunteered, so I didn't get the FULL Blowout experience.
D'Anne: I am a Blowout virgin. I am happy to report that Blowout has been very gentle and understanding with me thus far.
L: Gross. Don't say, "gentle." Anyway — the Blowout marks ONE YEAR back in Detroit for me! And what a great way to celebrate what has turned out to be the best year ever.
D: Yeah. Your life is so much better now. No longer are you bursting into tears at the Ferndale Public Library. Or living in my spare room with your dog. Or snorting coke off of the tank of bar toilets.
L: Stop exaggerating - I always use the SEAT. But yes — Charlotte [North Carolina] gave me lemons, and I took 'em back to Detroit and made Motown lemonade. Let's get down to business already.
D: We kicked the evening off with hip-hop after donning our day-glo Blowout bracelets.
L: Fluent's set started out kind of weak — maybe because there were only a handful of people.
D: Yeah. He was just kind of messing around at first, I think. But he really started to get into it after a few numbers. I thought his chant of "ass, titties, ass, titties" was really inspired.
L: Once somebody starts a chant like that, I immediately feel at home.
D: Right. After that people were feeling it, I think. Overall, he had a great attitude for someone playing to a nearly empty theater.
L: And as we'll certainly be doing a lot of over the next couple of days, we cut out to see another set. Child Bite.
D: Amish beards! KISS face paint! Saxophone!
L: Seriously. A winning combo. And such sweet, sweet T-shirts. We should both get one and make it our official Wonder Twins costume.
D: I don't know about that. Bias and all. Plus I paid so much for this spandex unitard.
L: Oh. Right. Anyway - GREAT set and the place filled up super fast.
D: I had never really heard Child Bite before. We saw them at Rock City Fest for, like, a second. They're really tight, musically. They felt a little progy — kind of Minus the Bear meets Primus meets Sunset Rubdown.
L: That's pretty accurate.
D: I dug their new song. "Pussyfooting" something or other. I hope it ends up on their new album.
L: Agreed! As much as I was loving it, I wanted to make sure we saw some of this Gepetto Files stuff. I love puppets.
D: I can't believe you made us leave Child Bite to see them.
L: I am not apologizing - it was an experience, to say the least.
D: Yes. Getting the clap is also an experience.
L: The first thing I heard when I walked in was someone yell out, “This is terrible!” The overall concept had potential but... the funny wore off well before their songs ended.
D: I think the fact that the band dresses in black and shrouds their heads works well for them.
L: Yes — because it's less likely people will punch them in their faces when they're out in public.
D: You aren't referring to a certain member of "The Brown Streaks," are you? Or maybe a certain rapper named "Skittles?"
D: Octopus, not to be confused with Sh! The Octopus, was next on our agenda. They have a hot lady singer singing about her backside.
L: Yes. She has "quite the set of pipes" like the dirty old men like to say.
D: You are a dirty old man. Anyway, I totally thought the band would have eight members.
L: That's gimmicky. You're stupid.
D: No, gimmicky would be squirting ink into the audience via sucker-clad tentacles. Which I think Punk Fitness would have done if given more time.
L: Man, Punk Fitness! I think the people in the Majestic at that time got a real work out — by running to the edges of the room and avoiding eye contact with those demonstrating.
D: "Squeeze those cheeks!"
L: I have to say, though — it's a breath of fresh air to see that I'm not the ONLY person who feels most comfortable working out in fishnets and high heel patent leather boots.
D: Last time you were dressed up like that, the cops didn't exactly buy your "I was just exercising" story. Speaking of dress up, was the singer of the Wrong Numbers wearing a costume?
L: This is a valid question. I admit to being flummoxed by virtually everything about him.
D: Was that grease paint on his chest?
L: It was Sharpie marker. Two other people backed me up on this.
D: I still don't think so. That much Sharpie ink would kill you. Like the lady from Goldeneye.
L: Wow. It's Goldfinger, and that's an urban legend. You exhaust me with your foolishness.
D: Fine. I think he's in the witness protection program. Killer voice, though.
L: Yes, plus I have to hand it to any band with a big ass organ. You can't just strap that to your back and waltz into a venue with it. That shit is heavy and if you're lugging it around to shows, it proves your band means business.
D: Are you talking about penises?
D: The organ. I don't remember anything about a huge organ.
L: God. Never mind. Let's wrap this up — I'm late for my Punk Fitness class.
D: Don't forget your fishnet legwarmers.
L: And don't forget YOUR big girl pants the next few days — this madness is JUST getting started!