Stone Cold, Wrestlemania, and mystery enemies.

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I am transfixed by this photo. What is "Stone Cold" Steve Austin firing his submachine guns at? I think it's terrorism. Or maybe a hot air balloon full of grinning puppies. Or maybe the Arcade Fire. Do you have any suggestions? Put 'em in the comments.

Austin will be a guest referee at this weekend's main event, Wrestlemania 23. Ford Field's sold out, the city's alive with bronzed beasts and bulging veins, and I'm sure the Juggalos are amassing somewhere. Check out the next issue of Metro Times for my Wrestlemania recap.

But in the meantime, let's get back to Steve. (Maybe he's firing at Brian Bosworth, attacking from above in a Harrier AV-8B trainer with Nien Numb as his co-pilot, still pissed that Austin stole the name of his classic 1991 biker film for his wrestling nickname.) The Condemned, Austin’s new WWE-funded film, will have a special screening tonight at the Fox as part of Detroit’s big wrestling weekend. It sounds a little like Surviving the Game (F. Murray Abraham! Rutger Hauer! Look for it on TNT) crossed with Battle Royale crossed with, well, I don’t know, maybe something with Christopher Lambert from his late ‘90s lean years. Only you know, instead of a dude with an accent you can’t place, you get Stone Cold totally owning everything in sight.

Full report on this Blahg after the film. What’s he firing at? Who’s blood is that? At any point in the film, will he roll on the ground while firing his weapons? I hope so.

Stone Cold!


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