Songs of hawtness

Our very own A to Z list of ditties for the ultimate self/couple/group mashup!

Feb 9, 2011 at 12:00 am

A "All TheLovers"Kyle Minogue: Minogue has the butterflies under her skirt and they're wholly based on love not sex. Go figure.

B "Breakfast in Bed" Dusty Springfield: What a graceful, sultry way to honor the glory of the morning shtupp. Alternate: "Beat Your Heart Out" The Zeros: Called the teenaged Mexican Ramones in 1978, and this anthem is all pubescent self-sex singsong that the Ramones couldn't touch.

C "Candy Shop" Madonna "Come on into my store, I've got candy galore. Don't pretend you're not hungry ..." Alternate: "Caught With the Meat in Your Mouth"Dead Boys: "You fell asleep with the meat between your cavities/ And a case of water on the knees." Right.

D "Diirty" Christina Aquilera: Not exactly Dusty Springfield, is it? The two I's give it away, eh?

E "Erotica"Madonna: The whore as bitchy, hawt dom. Where the down boys go.

F "Flesh for Fantasy"Billy Idol: Idol's kinda creepy, and here he wants it his way, as usual. Sounds like he's too cheap to pull a Charlie (Sheen).

G "Give It to Me Right"Melanie Fiona: Just you wait if you don't give it to her right! Because, as Martin Crane would say, "Sex is something you do to someone else."

H "Harder You Get" Scissor Sisters: "Harder you get, caught in my sweat, never too wet to want it all." There's always a fine line between "harder" and "pleasure"!

I "If I'm in Luck I Might get Picked Up"Betty Davis: The lovely, call-it-like-it-is R&B shouter had more cojones than Rick James, and here she's kickin' it four on the floor. Didn't get much airplay in '72.

J "Jelly, Jelly" Billy Eckstine: As in "Jelly, jelly, jelly; jelly stays on my mind." As in, sultry Mr. B. was not singing about pastries in his 1946 hit.

K "Kinky Reggae" Bob Marley: Yes, the most famous Rasta of all "went downtown" and reported back that "Miss Brown ... had brown sugar ... all over her booga-wooga."

L "Lay Lady Lay"Bob Dylan: The L's just roll off the tongue. Same as in Donna Summers' "Love to Love You, Baby." Old Bob manages not to do the orgasm-gasp, thank goodness.

M "My Man Rocks Me (With One Steady Roll)"Trixie Smith: "Rock" and "roll" in a 1922 tune leaving no doubt as to their conjoined essence. Alternate: "Micky"Toni Basil: ... the "Anyway you want to do it, I'll take it like a man" in bubblegum pop no less.

N "Never Learn Not to Love"Beach Boys (by Dennis Wilson/Charles Manson): About submission in the sex-emotional sense, and the loveliest creepy pop song you'll likely ever hear. Alternate: "Nasty Girl"Vanity 6: Vanity claims she needs seven inches or more, and in her delivery alone it's no wonder this song gave myriad 14-year-old American boys wood for days.

O "Orgasm Addict" Buzzcocks: Genius polysexual song of jacking off. Just dig this line: "You're making out with school kids, winos and heads of state/ You even made it with the lady who puts the little plastic bobbins on the Christmas cake."

P "Pull Up to the Bumper Baby" Grace Jones: Someone we know initially thought this was about a parking lot attendant. What? He felt really dumb when he figured it out.

Q "Queer" Garbage: A proper song of tease and denial, sung from the vantage of a bossy dom.

R "Relax" Frankie Goes to Hollywood: We think that limiting this song to gay male milieu is reductivist. Hell, it belongs to any gender that squirts! Cum on!

S "S&M" — Rihanna: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me." Finally a new anthem for the bondage scene. Alternate: "Sit On My Face Stevie Nicks" The Rotters: A few vinyl collectors may own this rare 45, and a lucky few might remember Rodney playing it once or twice on KROQ in the El Lay punk days. Oh, the title doubles as the chorus! But don't bother looking on YouTube.

T "Teach Me Tonight" Jo Stafford, Al Jarreau, Frank Sinatra, Wanda Jackson, etc: Singers have been returning to this since 1954 because it so clearly implies the lesson plan is horizontal geometry not algebra.

U "U Got The Look" Prince/Sheena Easton: It's always nice when sex is whittled down to one word: "rammin'."

V "Vibe On" Dannii Minogue: So, the triple-XXX batteries are for the toy that goes in him, right?

W "World In My Eyes" Depeche Mode: Nature metaphors for non-virgin boys who love boys. It's nice, tender and honest.

X "Xandau" Olivia Newton-John: Old Olivia maybe never knew then that she was singing a LGBT anthem ("A place where nobody dared to go/ The love that we came to know." ) Alternate: Canadian trio Rush had a different song called "Xandau" in which they likely never knew they were singing an anthem to hot bisexual sex — maybe Coleridge didn't either! ("To break my fast on honey dew/ And drink the milk of paradise.")

Y "You're Makin' Me High" Toni Braxton: Braxton addresses a far-off lover in this ode to long-distance yearnings, and, as the lyrics show, she's put her finger on more than a feeling: "With just the thought of you, I can't help but touch myself." Nasty!

Z "Zing, Went the String of My Heart"Rufus WainWright, Judy Garland, etc.: Zing is the sensation of unsullied lust in the heart.