Detroit predictions and prayers for 2016, by local music scene regulars

Polishing the magic crystal ball

Jan 6, 2016 at 1:00 am

"Vice will buy an abandoned building, not rehab it, and call it 'a new urban work environment.'" –Michelle Birawer (Harsh Tokes)

"I hope to take over the world in 2016. Travel and spread the legend of Sheefy McFly and plant my royal seed on every continent. Dropping a ton of new art, music, starting a clothing line. Focusing on my techno alias 'Edward Elecktro' as well as strengthening the Sheefy brand." –Sheefy McFly

"Record store owner Wade Kergan will open his third store, 'Hello, Is It Me You're Looking For? Records.'" –Eric Love (Urinal Cake)

"Big things will be happening in the 2016 Detroit music scene... and just outside of it on the sidewalk will be a battery powered Caveman Woodman. In February, the Pretty Ghouls will be releasing a new record to grave reviews while their devilishly handsome drummer continues making horror-laden puns that will have your eyes rolling out of their sockets. The Hamtramck Music Festival will have everyone abuzz with nostalgia of how awesome Blowout used to be until Metro Times ruined it." –T.J. Ghoul (the Pretty Ghouls)

"Protomartyr will be booked as Taylor Swift's opening act on her next round of touring, and Joe Casey's words will lead much of her audience to thoughtfully re-examine many of their major life decisions. This will lead Ms. Swift to write a less-than-complimentary song about Mr. Casey." –Mark Deming

"I believe there will be a new group, the New Ruin Pornographers, who will be a combination of rappers, DJs, and graffiti artists who tag the performers with spray paint until they blend in with the music." –Rick Manore (Music Hall Center for the Performing Arts)

"No matter how many terribly thought-out reissues of mediocre soundtracks of yore clog up the pressing plants, in spite of these stratospherically priced duds, people will still be into vinyl." –Ben Blackwell (Third Man)

"Shinola will start making hand-crafted leather record bags for Third Man starting in Spring." –Jay Clark Reid (PJ's Lager House)

"Five prayers for peace in 2016:

1. Prayers for all the children poisoned by Governor Snyder's money-saving policies in Flint.

2. Prayers for all the children whose health has been put at risk without access to running water because of Governor Snyder's money-saving policies in Detroit.

3. Prayers for all the retired and elderly city workers who had their pensions reduced by Governor Snyder's cruel money-saving policies in Detroit.

4. Prayers for all the people in Michigan that Governor Snyder will be removed from office or step down before he can hurt more citizens and ruin more lives with his morally unjustifiable and undemocratic policy of money-saving emergency management.

5. Prayers for all the students in the Detroit school system overseen by Governor Snyder's appointed emergency manager, may this year be free from poisoning and other ghastly inhuman plans his money-saving plans might offer." —Warren Defever (His Name Is Alive)

"2016 will be the year we get LED lights in all the neighborhoods. No one will spell Bevlove wrong. Hipsters from all corners of the country will continue to move here and become 'new Detroiters' (a term that means 'my parents are close to cutting me off to only $500 a month allowance')." –Bevlove (whose name we've somehow totally misspelled before, sorry)

"Hazel Park will become the next Ferndale. It will be rebranded HazPa." –Michelle Birawer (Harsh Tokes)

"I predict that Mountains and Rainbows will be recording our third record before the first record comes out on Castle Face in 2016. I foresee a winter full of love, if you want to look at it that way. And Coca-Cola may still own Highland Park's water in 2016, but water will still be two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. And as basic as its makeup, as common as it is, it's what we are primarily made of. Water is meant to be free. Water always finds a way." –Ryan Harroun (Mountains and Rainbows)

"Hipsters who moved to Detroit in search of cheap rents and an 'urban pioneer' lifestyle discover their gentrification has raised the cost of living enough that they're forced to move. Many ponder relocating to the even cheaper environs of Flint, but ultimately blanche at the notion of trading a vague sense of menace for a town where their health and safety is actually threatened on a daily basis." –Mark Deming

"Marijuana dispensaries will begin to incorporate recording studios for inspired patients." –Jay Clark Reid (PJ's Lager House)

"As far as local rock venues go, hip, under-the-radar sites such as UFO Factory and Marble Bar may find themselves playing second fiddle to the newest diamond-in-the-rough venue, the basement of Michigan Central Station. The venue will be officially nameless, but will commonly be referred to as the Space Swamp, due to its frequent flooding and a staff comprised exclusively of BB-8 replicas." –Amy Oprean

"I think TM (trip metal) will continue to be 'popular,' but it will just become more of a transcendental meditation thing, with people doing yoga at noise shows. At least that is my hope for the new year anyway." –Michelle Birawer (Harsh Tokes)

"My hopes for the New Year: I have been accepted to Interlochen's singer-songwriter program for high school, but have no way to afford it so I am hoping to find a suitcase full of money or that someone reading this will take pity on me and pay my tuition so that I can get a rock 'n' roll education!" –Emma Islands

"In 2016, I expect more 8-tracks and smoke machines, and less banjos and beards. Personal aspirations include becoming more like Bon Scott. Our hopes for the Whiskey Charmers this year are more undergarments thrown onstage and less audience screaming during live performances. In all seriousness though, more undergarments and less screaming. Wishing everyone a very healthy and happy new year!" –Carrie Shepard (Whiskey Charmers)

"Everyone will be way too cool to admit their secret desires of Jack White turning up at their show with a Third Man contract. Finally, the Hentchmen will play two shows this year: The first one will be to remind everyone they're the best band in Detroit. The second one will be to rub it in our faces. Thankfully, the rest of us will continue to find comfort in the scene-circle-jerk where we all assure each other that everyone's band is just greeeeat!" –T.J. Ghoul (the Pretty Ghouls)

"There will be an artisan cheese shop in Midtown called Wholly Cow. Me and Sheefy will tour the country spreading the good word of rager haus. And I'll finally get a laptop." –Bevlove

"I want to become a massive representation of Detroit artistry. And make a million dollars." –Sheefy McFly

"In the new year, Dear Darkness will make lovers, in the Detroit music scene, of the ugly and/or those who can dance. We will detect what is false, so we may move beyond all pretenses. We will record an EP, with Matthew Smith, of wicked slow jams. We will drive our chariot straight-on a mini-tour through the South and East coasts. We will keep our eyes pointed toward the sky — but not whilst driving. Oh, we will be delicate with the destroyed. In 2016, we will raise our fists, hoorah, as we champion rock 'n' roll as a homeopathic remedy for all ails! We will lead the homely home and sing the songs of our experience! It will all rock!" –Dear Darkness (Stacey MacLeod and Samantha Linn)

"A supergroup of local female musicians who are known in other bands will form a group called Blonde Faith, play six gigs, and break up due to the drummer beating up the bassist with a selfie stick." –Rick Manore (Music Hall Center for the Performing Arts)

"Jack White will continue his public reconciliation with the city of Detroit by reforming his most important band, Two Star Tabernacle. They will record new material that will be pressed into vinyl configurations previously believed to be impossible, or at least wildly impractical, including one that can be folded into a swan and holds leftovers." –Mark Deming

"Predicting Urban Surf Media becomes the new Def Jam/Motown and Captwolf headlines Harpos in 2016. Also that Gilbertville secedes from the rest of the city, probably." –Swoozy (Captwolf)

"Continuing his path back into Detroit's good graces, Jack White will open Blunderbeet, a vegan/raw juice cafe that will feature only green and magenta food. He will make randomly scheduled monthly appearances at the store via lowering from the ceiling on a giant beet, wearing a green-and-magenta suit and top hat, and presenting a monthly vegetable reissue. The collector's item will include a tin rendering of the vegetable, booklet spanning the vegetable's entire career, a recipe book, and a mahogany display case.

The site will also feature a juicer booth where patrons can create a custom juice using vegetables of vintage lineages. Sessions will cost $30 for every two and a half minutes and include three 16-ounce bottles of juice, and patrons' very own self-styled labels. The booth itself will be built using only the wood from Meg White's old drumsticks." –Amy Oprean

"Kid Rock will say and do something embarrassing. Eventually he will either be persuaded to join Ted Nugent in Texas, where he may well belong, or start hanging out with the guy from Limp Bizkit who somehow ended up in the Motor City." –Mark Deming

"Trust the spirit in this new year. Guard yourself against the colonial mentality and material conquests running rampant across the globe and especially within this city. This (year three after Maya) will be one of great change, peace, and power — when the first seeds that sprout from the earth this spring will lift their heads and greet a purely Aquarian sun, this, the first year outside of the Pisces/Aquarian cusp. Make the change today. You have the strength to. Much love, awareness, and guidance from myself to you." –Richie Wohlfeil (Lo & Behold!)