City Slang: American Idol is pure evil

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Yes, I know. No surprises there. It’s a bullshit TV show designed to find the next banal pop star for the masses to salivate all over. Personally, I hadn’t watched the thing in years, if at all (I’ve seen one of the TV talent shows before, I just can’t remember which one).

But on Wednesday night, I forced myself to sit and watch an hour or so of the show due to the fact that the auditions were in Detroit. “Surely, we’ll be able to find enough talent in this city to shake this thing up,” I thought to myself. Sadly, all manner of indenti-kit John Mayer and Whitney Houston tributes were dragged in from all over the nation.

But the real evil, the pure bile, was spilled out by the three judges. First of all, what the fuck is Jennifer Lopez doing judging a singing contest? Seeing Jenny from the Block sat there picking out the slightest off-key note reminded me of those fat people who judge the gymnastics. Lopez knows better than anyone the power of Pro Tools. I mean, for fuck’s sake.

When Liam Newberry, a young man from Cleveland, got up to sing a Sinatra tune, the judges could barely contain their laughter because, you know, he wore thick glasses and blue pants, and looked a bit nerdy. But he sang the song in tune and would surely benefit from some coaching further into the competition. But no, they cut him because Keith Urban said that he wasn’t sexy enough. KEITH URBAN! The grown man with emo hair. What a fucking tool.

Throughout the whole thing, Harry Connick Jr. tried to be funny but just came across like the class clown. Khrystian D’Avis arrived speaking in an Italian accent but then lost it after her rendition of Whitney’s “Saving all my Love for You.” The judges picked upon that, decided that her song was average, but let her through anyway. Apparently, she had the “mystery something.”

Xavier Cavillo from Dearborn Heights was sent packing after a frantic and interesting version of CCR’s “Have You Ever Seen the Rain” – must have been a little too interesting.

So Fuck you, American Idol. The show is designed to deaden the senses and push dull music onto people who should know better. Any bar show on any night in Metro Detroit is more entertaining than this brain-rot. I’m pissed with myself for watching it.

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