Cheeze and Crackers.

“The king of suburbia;” “ghetto revival;” “I’m not a rapper, I’m an entity” — John Brown definitely made the kookiest impression during last night’s premiere of The White Rapper Show, the reality show collabo from Ego Trip, VH1, and show host (and ousted JLB morning guy) MC Serch. Everything Brown said was cryptic and “bonk-hairs,” as Serch would say; he seemed defensive, but at the same time impossibly cocky.

I don’t know if that bodes well for his survival on the show, but it’s clear from Brown’s nearly unusable MySpace site (Flash! Audio! Video! Choatic formatting! Full-color booty shots! Ahhhhh!) that he has his supporters. Take it away, “Je$ta.”

“why u let that soft ass dude ran at u fam?..iiont give a fukk 100 thou or not i woulda rocked his ass and put ol' girls dildo in his mouf piece..feel me?..keep it 100!”

Yes. Well said, my friend. I think there was an Alexis de Tocqueville quote mixed up in there.

But, moving on. As Je$ta referenced, Brown was whipped in the face with what was, based on the radius of the digitized camouflage, a pretty fucking huge dildo. The dildo-wielder? Persia, another of the show’s burgeoning emcees who was levelheaded and maybe kinda talented when she was sober, but flew into a batshit crazy “I’m on a reality show and I’m gonna whip dildos in faces and stuff” rage when under the influence of a few Grey Gooses.

It was uproarious, stupid, and awesome, which is probably some sort of axiom for 2007 in general.

Other WRS contestants include a bunch of interchangeable skinny guys, a dude from Texas who looks like Bowling for Soup’s lead singer (BFS are also from Texas, which is weird), and Misfit, a British bird who spent most of the show fronting in cheezeball off-duty stripper gear and generally melting the butter of the aforementioned skinny interchangeables. Sample quote: “I want her; she knows I want her; and I know she knows I want her


When Misfit finally had a chance to rap during the elimination round, Serch correctly graded her lyrics and flow as spot-on, but her confidence as suspect.

Anyway, Serch seems genuinely interested in finding out whether any of these hopefuls can actually rap — his dismissal of rendered-mute Eminem devotee (and Toledo resident) Dasit was entertaining and genuine. But WRS is still primarily a reality show, from its editing to its look to its format, and that means that, by watching it, we’re the ones asking to be dildo-whipped. Its lead-in? I Love New York. Turn the other cheek, bitches!


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