Bullet points

Jan 2, 2008 at 12:00 am

He really is "Terrible," part one

"Terrible" Ted Nugent may not exactly be a local rocker these days due to his move to Waco, Texas, four years ago. But the gun-toting dude — forever known as the Motor City Madman — got 2007 off to an appropriate neocon start when he appeared as the entertainment at Texas Gov. Rick Perry's inaugural ball. Ted showed up dressed in a Confederate flag shirt and reportedly made racist comments, as he slammed illegal immigrants while gripping two machine guns. The "Terrible" One then wrote an editorial for a Waco newspaper, denying the racism charges before stating that he "will intensify my fight for a united America by demanding all Americans speak English."

He really is "Terrible," part two

Toting two machine guns at L.A.'s House of Blues in August, "Terrible" Ted went into an unprovoked right-wing rant in which he threatened the lives of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Dressed in camouflage gear, Uncle Ted exclaimed, "Obama, he's a piece of shit. I told him to suck on my machine gun" (a statement that could be perceived as a little too homoerotic for some neocons). "Hey, Hillary," he continued. "You might want to ride one of these into the sunset, you worthless bitch!" The rocker then began screaming, "Freedom!" Ted defended himself in the Waco paper yet again, comparing his comments to the comedy of Richard Pryor and Sam Kinison, writing: "For more than seven years, I've been railing against the left-wing socialist Democrats." Defending himself to Fox News, he compared his statements to Alice Cooper's shock rock before announcing he'd soon be "taking a terminally ill girl hunting."

He really is "Terrible," part three

Appearing on like-minded Sean Hannity's Fox News program, "Terrible" Ted addressed a blogger who'd posted he had "dibs" on Rush Limbaugh if it ever became legal to shoot the fathead; others would be "welcome" to do the same to Uncle Ted. Said the Motor City Madman: "There's a lunatic fringe on the left that are literally trying to force us to comply to their outline of life. I find it just reprehensible that they would recommend violence, not to mention murder and shooting people. This is bizarre." Apparently, in Ted World, what's good for the goose isn't good for the gander ... unless it involves shooting the goose, that is.

H.R.I."T.," #4

During an interview with a French journalist and animal-rights activist in September, Nugent was asked what he believed the final thoughts of a deer might be right before Ted shoots it. Replied the Motor City Madman: "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away?' Actually, they are very much like the French." The interview ended at that point.

Again with the "Terrible," part five

"Terrible" Ted appealed his 2005 slander and libel lawsuit against the city of Muskegon's Summer Celebration, which canceled a performance by the Motor City Madman following racist slurs Nugent allegedly made in reference to African-Americans and Asians on a Denver, Colo., radio program a few weeks before the scheduled appearance. Although the court had awarded him $100,000 in damages for breach of contract and lost merchandise sales, the judge threw out the slander and libel. Nugent wanted the dropped claims reinstated, however, because, as he'd been arguing since January, he is not a racist. Apparently, he's never heard the cliché: "Where there's smoke, there's fire ..."

TERRIBLE, etc., part six

Following the Omaha mall tragedy in which a gunman killed eight people before shooting himself, "Terrible" Ted wrote yet another essay for the Waco newspaper (which has started to refer to Nugent as the "Texas Wildman" — perhaps we should let them have him!). Not to be outdone, however, The Detroit News ran the same article, in which Ted called on the government to get rid of all "gun-free zones" and for law-abiding citizens to "get a gun, learn to use it and do the right thing." This, the NRA advocate argued, would prevent future bloodbaths. Somewhere, we imagine, Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday and those other legends of the OK Corral were smiling.

Bill Holdship is the music editor for Metro Times. Send comments to [email protected]