Dude-band from Portland, renowned solely for their very stupid name about which they pretend to remain remarkably clueless, to play Small's May 11

On the first dreary, cold, and rainy morning in months (one of the reasons I left the Pacific Northwest after 16 years there), word comes of the imminent arrival in Detroit of the most heinous cultural export from Portland, Ore. since the suffix -andia. A rock and roll music band, five white dudes whose sole reason for existing appears to be their horrible name (Black Pussy), is performing at Small's on May 11. This is not a real band, anymore than that Sean O'Keef kid is a journalist. Or that Ann Coulter is a human person.


While the newly-minted and fully excellent Seraphine Collective has called for the show to be cancelled in several Facebook posts, I am calling for this show, and this band, to be utterly forgotten, not cared about, ignored and erased from memory. I hope you will join me in shouting "What were we even talking about, again!!!?" This will very hopefully be the first and last time we will write about them in Metro Times. Who wants to reward such blatant... lameness? Seriously, the only surprise to me was that these dudes actually left the confines of Portland in the first place. These asshats do not need to be made into fake controversial examplars of some misunderstanding of the concept of freedom of speech, anymore than they apparently already have. "Freedom under duress"? Holy shit, talk about white people problems.


To recap: This is not even a real thing, not even a crappy sort of metal band of long hairs on tour, playing shows. THESE DUDES ARE TROLLS. Everything they do and say is simply intended to blow up their scene on the Internet. We all know what to do with trolls — you either force them to jump off a bridge (just kidding), or ignore them. Or go back in time and revoke these kids' subscriptions to VICE magazine.

So! I hope you agree that there is absolutely no need to boycott Small's, threaten the venue (which has also already happened during this band's tour, which seems to have been kicked off by the waves of hate that these articles about them have generated), or harass the hapless booker. Just don't talk about this, don't go to this, don't listen to the shitty band. Take a deep breath and enjoy this short life and save outrage for things worthy of it, like bad coffee, systemic forces of oppression, and colored vinyl.