All dreck, all the time

Mar 13, 2001 at 12:00 am

Best Local Media Merger Yet to Happen
Channels 2, 4 & 7

Seeing as Detroit’s local news programs are always jumping on programming bandwagons — what is the difference between the Fox 2 Problem Solvers, the WDIV Local Defenders and WXYZ’s “You Paid For It” anyway? — it seems inevitable that channels 2, 4 and 7 will soon be merging into one giant local superstation.

Channel 247 will feature a distillation of the most mediocre viewing each station now provides individually. No longer will there be three different — not to mention slightly inaccurate and conflicting — reports of the same news incident. Instead, there will be just one completely inaccurate report! Imagine the teasers during your favorite prime-time shows: “Armed madman on the loose in one metro Detroit neighborhood. Find out if it’s yours tonight at 11!”

Following this report (turns out the guy was actually in Oklahoma), there will be a big party on the 247 weather patio with Chris Edwards, Chuck Gaidica and Jerry Hodak. Maybe this committee can determine whether it’s going to snow tomorrow. They could also do some “Survivor”-style challenges to see who gets the most on-camera time. That’s entertainment!

Since all three channels claim to be on your side, the moral-outrage quotient of Scott Lewis, Bill Spencer and Kevin Dietz working side-by-side will go through the roof. We can envision a monthlong stakeout and series of reports on lazy city workers who embezzle government funds, distribute Ecstasy at raves and park in handicapped spaces. The indignity, the outrage, and “only Channel 247 could bring it to you.”